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  #591  
Old 05-17-2012, 12:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VCURamFan View Post
A conversation between me & my iPhone:

VCU: *press voice dial button* Call "Dad"
Siri: Multiple matches
VCU:
Siri: Did you mean Matt Helms, Matt Hughes, Matt McDowell or Matt Painter?
VCU: No, "DAD"
Siri: Calling Matt Hughes.
VCU:


Quote:
Originally Posted by Buc Nasty View Post

Porn has ruined my life.

My boiler has gone and I'm scared to call the plumber.
I don't get it.
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Rejoice ever more. 1 Thessalonians 5:16
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  #592  
Old 05-17-2012, 10:46 AM
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Really? Lol
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  #593  
Old 05-17-2012, 06:47 PM
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County Mike County Mike is offline
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Originally Posted by flo View Post
I don't get it.
In pornos, if you call the plumber, you're likely to get your pipes snaked out.


If you know what I mean.
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  #594  
Old 05-17-2012, 07:00 PM
Bonnie Bonnie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VCURamFan View Post
A conversation between me & my iPhone:

VCU: *press voice dial button* Call "Dad"
Siri: Multiple matches
VCU:
Siri: Did you mean Matt Helms, Matt Hughes, Matt McDowell or Matt Painter?
VCU: No, "DAD"
Siri: Calling Matt Hughes.
VCU:
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  #595  
Old 05-17-2012, 07:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by flo View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bonnie View Post
I hung up & then manually dialed my dad & told him the story, he couldn't stop laughing! I told him if he didn't get a Father's Day present from me, he'd know where to look!
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  #596  
Old 05-17-2012, 07:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by County Mike View Post
In pornos, if you call the plumber, you're likely to get your pipes snaked out.


If you know what I mean.
Oh, ok, thanks.
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  #597  
Old 05-18-2012, 02:41 AM
Bonnie Bonnie is offline
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Originally Posted by VCURamFan View Post
I hung up & then manually dialed my dad & told him the story, he couldn't stop laughing! I told him if he didn't get a Father's Day present from me, he'd know where to look!


You know, you could have had some fun with your mom on this one...if she didn't kill you!
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  #598  
Old 05-18-2012, 02:46 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VCURamFan View Post
A conversation between me & my iPhone:

VCU: *press voice dial button* Call "Dad"
Siri: Multiple matches
VCU:
Siri: Did you mean Matt Helms, Matt Hughes, Matt McDowell or Matt Painter?
VCU: No, "DAD"
Siri: Calling Matt Hughes.
VCU:
This reminds me of a joke. lol

Quote:
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing
new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor
pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of
it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even
10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to
go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was
still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and
was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel
quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the
husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had
experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.
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  #599  
Old 05-18-2012, 04:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neezar View Post
This reminds me of a joke. lol
LMAO!!! I wasn't expecting that!
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  #600  
Old 06-01-2012, 01:32 AM
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This is not a joke but I thought it was a good read.




Do you like to read a good murder mystery?

Not even Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess.

This is an unbelievable twist of fate!!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, (AAFS)
President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal
complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story:


On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.

Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a10-story building intending to
commit suicide.

He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun
blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been
installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building
workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the
way he had planned.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was
occupied by an elderly man and his wife.

They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun!

The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed
his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt,
one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'

When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both
adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded..

The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with
the unloaded shotgun.

He had no intention to murder her.

Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is,
assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's
son loading the shotgun about 6 weeks prior to the fatal accident.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support
and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun
threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his
mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder
even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of
Ronald Opus.
Now for the exquisite twist...

Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.

He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to
engineer his mother's murder.

This led him to jump off the 10 story building on March 23rd, only to be
killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.

The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself.

So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
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