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  #41  
Old 02-23-2009, 06:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by internationalharvester
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

Put your ad here!

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

And the kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and then he went on to become the Governor of Illinois.
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  #42  
Old 02-25-2009, 06:02 AM
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Never underestimate an Alabama Redneck.


A Redneck from Pohickey, Alabama walked into a bank in New
York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan
officer that he was going to Paris on an
international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to
borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.


The bank officer told him that the bank would need some
form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over
the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street
in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and
everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the
car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all
enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using
a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000
and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir,
we are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn
& Bradstreet and found that you are a highly
sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate
and financial interests all over the world. What puzzles us
is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The good 'ole Alabama boy replied, 'Where else in
New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only
$23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

His name was BUBBA...
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  #43  
Old 02-25-2009, 06:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MattHughesRocks
Never underestimate an Alabama Redneck.


A Redneck from Pohickey, Alabama walked into a bank in New
York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan
officer that he was going to Paris on an
international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to
borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.


The bank officer told him that the bank would need some
form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over
the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street
in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and
everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the
car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all
enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using
a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000
and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir,
we are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn
& Bradstreet and found that you are a highly
sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate
and financial interests all over the world. What puzzles us
is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The good 'ole Alabama boy replied, 'Where else in
New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only
$23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

His name was BUBBA...
WAR BUBBA!!!
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  #44  
Old 02-25-2009, 12:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MattHughesRocks
Never underestimate an Alabama Redneck.


A Redneck from Pohickey, Alabama walked into a bank in New
York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan
officer that he was going to Paris on an
international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to
borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.


The bank officer told him that the bank would need some
form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over
the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street
in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and
everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the
car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all
enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using
a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000
and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir,
we are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn
& Bradstreet and found that you are a highly
sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate
and financial interests all over the world. What puzzles us
is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The good 'ole Alabama boy replied, 'Where else in
New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only
$23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

His name was BUBBA...
HAHAHAHA! AWESOME!!!
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  #45  
Old 02-25-2009, 11:48 PM
Mac
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Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump
out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See,
by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.
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  #46  
Old 03-03-2009, 04:51 AM
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Resimay


To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond
to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.






















Dear Bryan,

It's ok honey, we've got spell check.

See you Monday.
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  #47  
Old 03-03-2009, 05:42 AM
Bonnie Bonnie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MattHughesRocks
Resimay


To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond
to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.






















Dear Bryan,

It's ok honey, we've got spell check.

See you Monday.
Michelle, something seems to be wrong with "my picture"...I'm only seeing half of him.
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  #48  
Old 03-03-2009, 06:04 AM
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MattHughesRocks MattHughesRocks is offline
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I'm keeping that half for myself ;0





Quote:
Originally Posted by Bonnie
Michelle, something seems to be wrong with "my picture"...I'm only seeing half of him.
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  #49  
Old 03-03-2009, 06:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MattHughesRocks
I'm keeping that half for myself ;0

Man, Goat's gonna be pissed that you put his picture out where Dave can find it!!
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  #50  
Old 03-08-2009, 03:57 PM
Ricky
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A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'
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