Joke Thread

[VCURamFan]

Originally Posted by BamaGrits84

I just read YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter are merging. The new social networking site will be YouTwitFace.com.

Classic!

[VCURamFan]

Boss: What time did this get here this morning?
Employee: Jesus!
Boss: Uh... What time is the exterminator going to be here tonight, and are you staying?
Employee: Jesus!
Boss: Why are you answering all my questions with "Jesus"?
Employee: A woman on the train this morning was holding a sign that said "Jesus is the only answer." I thought I'd try to prove that. From your response, I'm assuming that isn't true.

[rockdawg21]

Jesus! Hahaha!!!

[VCURamFan]

Rick Astley asked to borrow my Pixar collection. I said " Rick, you can have Toy Story, Cars & Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up.

Originally Posted by VCURamFan

Rick Astley asked to borrow my Pixar collection. I said " Rick, you can have Toy Story, Cars & Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up.

Groan!

[VCURamFan]

Got these from my sister:

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Spiritwalker]

A simple and hungry Zen monk walks into a busy pizza restaurant and places his order: "Make me one with everything."

[Spiritwalker]

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premoni...tion, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Earl and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Earl said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Earl taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Earl can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[flo]

Originally Posted by VCURamFan

Got these from my sister:

Those are the best groaners I've ever seen! My two favorites:

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Originally Posted by Spiritwalker

A simple and hungry Zen monk walks into a busy pizza restaurant and places his order: "Make me one with everything."

Another good groaner!

[flo]

Originally Posted by Spiritwalker

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premoni...tion, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Earl and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Earl said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Earl taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Earl can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

I couldn't imagine how that was going to come out!