Joke Thread

NOTE Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don 't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow

[VCURamFan]

Originally Posted by Twinsmama

The Boss

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work so how would she know they went home early?


The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.


The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.


The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.


The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.


"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!

Originally Posted by Twinsmama

NOTE Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don 't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow

BOOM!!!!

[flo]

Tracy, LMAO!!!

WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
2. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine..

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head. (my kids are sure i have them too....thank goodness for all the reflective surfaces around my house i've got them fooled)

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

[VCURamFan]

Originally Posted by Twinsmama

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Zing!

[adamt]

heard this one yesterday at a seed corn meeting....

It was a sad day for the entire world. George W. Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all died suddenly within the same hour. The world was shocked.

George W. Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin awoke and to their dismay they found themselves in hell. As the three looked around they spied a red phone and they asked Satan what the phone was for. Satan told the three leaders that the red phone was for calling back to earth. Mr. Putin then asked if he could make a phone call to Russia. Satan handed him the phone and Putin talked to Russia for five minutes. When Putin handed the phone back to Satan, the devil informed him that the cost of the call was one million rubies. Mr. Putin, very unhappy, wrote Satan a check for the call.

Next, Queen Elizabeth asks if she could make a phone call to England. Satan obliges and hands the queen the phone. She talks for thirty minutes and then gives the phone back to the devil. Satan informs her that the cost of the call is five million pounds. Queen Elizabeth, very unnerved, writes a check and hands it to Satan.

After observing the other two make phone calls, George W. Bush then asks if he could make a call to the USA. Satan gladly hands W the phone and Bush talks to the USA for six hours. When Bush finished, Satan informed him that there would be no charge for the call and to feel free to call the USA anytime.

Upon hearing this, Putin and Queen Elizabeth were outraged. They asked Satan why Bush got to call the USA for free. The Devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[adamt]

while searching for the above joke so i wouldn't have to type it out i ran across these....

WHY I AM DEPRESSED
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel " pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the promised land! (Barrack is the same name of the Ass that Muhammed allegedly rode to Jerusalem)

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called Lifeline. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...




The USPS
The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it.
The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

I just read YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter are merging. The new social networking site will be YouTwitFace.com.