Joke Thread

This one might get deleted. Read it while you can.


A man celebrates his 70th birthday by getting some Viagra. He's so excited about finding his long lost buddy so he decides to get wild and TF his wife.
He gets into it for a bit and is feeling super until he realizes he was TF'ing his own balls.

Heard it on "Funny People".

Originally Posted by VCURamFan

(in honor of Michelle)

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's already been told twice!!

my dad always says him and my mom got in a fight once and he didn't see her for a week....that's when his eye started to open up a little

[VCURamFan]

Originally Posted by Twinsmama

my dad always says him and my mom got in a fight once and he didn't see her for a week....that's when his eye started to open up a little

Hahaha, Momma's got a mean right hook!

A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was
pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK,
you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

I was going to write a joke about my piece, but changed my mind. It's too long.

[Neezar]

i got an email that had a couple cute stories.


While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.





Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

It's just farts!

[Bonnie]

Kids are so great!

The Boss

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work so how would she know they went home early?


The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.


The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.


The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.


The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.


"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!