Joke Thread

[Mark]

Originally Posted by Primadawn

Mac pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed his friend where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Mac recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said his friend.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

Funny.
The tree was in my pasture!

[Llamafighter]

a farmer was milking his cow one day when a fly flew into the barn, right past his nose and directly into the cows ear. The farmer didn't think which of it until a few moments later when the same fly suddenly shot out of the teet and into the milk pail.
"Huh" said the farmer.
"that went in one ear and out the udder"

[Bonnie]

Okay, this one has a "little" bad language, but still funny:

WHEN TO START CUSSING

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in the bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nodded his approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say somethin with hell and you say somethin with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair and tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs cry'n his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit slappin his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

[Bonnie]

This is one I think the ladies will appreciate. I've "edited" for strong language.

After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks in to a house to look for money and guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up and goes into the bathroom. The husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to have sex with you, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You."

The wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I LOVE YOU TOO!!!

[Mark]

Both are good one's.

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room reading the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know),
"'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Hahaha. Poor daddy. I'll have to remember that if my soon-to-be daughter ever brings me a cup of "tea".

[Neezar]

> >
> > HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE
> > AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS
> > ONE;
> >
> >
> >
> > MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR
> > MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
> >
> > I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL
> > NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE
> > SAME
> > NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
> >
> > COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY
> > BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH
> > THOUGHT.
> > THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD
> > TO
> > HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
> >
> > AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED
> > MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
> >
> > 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
> >
> > 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
> >
> > HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
> >
> > 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
> >
> > HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD,
> > WRINKLED
> > FACED, FAT, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, MAN ASKED,
> >
> > 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???'
> >
> >

A hahahahahaahha.

Other people my age do look older to me. I guess they think the same when they look at me. We all want to think of ourselves as much younger.

[Mark]

Originally Posted by Neezar

> >
> > HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE
> > AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS
> > ONE;
> >
> >
> >
> > MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR
> > MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
> >
> > I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL
> > NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE
> > SAME
> > NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
> >
> > COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY
> > BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH
> > THOUGHT.
> > THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD
> > TO
> > HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
> >
> > AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED
> > MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
> >
> > 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
> >
> > 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
> >
> > HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
> >
> > 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
> >
> > HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD,
> > WRINKLED
> > FACED, FAT, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, MAN ASKED,
> >
> > 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???'
> >
> >

Funny haha