Joke Thread

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....



' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

Later.

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”

The bartender says, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”

Later.

[VCURamFan]

Originally Posted by billwilliams70

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”

The bartender says, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”

Later.

Hahahahahahaha!!!!

3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do




Don't be mean to me I really don't think Jesus is a woman

[Mark]

Booooooooooooooooo
Booooooooooooooooo
You get Boooooooooooood off the stage!

Originally Posted by Mark

Booooooooooooooooo
Booooooooooooooooo
You get Boooooooooooood off the stage!

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[VCURamFan]

Originally Posted by Silverback

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

THis man walks into a bar with his monkey and takes a seat.

While the man is drinking his beer , the monkey jumps up , runs over to the pool table where a game is in progress.

The monkey jumps up on the table , grabs the cue ball and swallows it down .

The bartender is fuming and hollers at the guy " Hey your monkey just ate the cue ball , get him out of here and dont come back until he has learned better"

about a week later here comes the guy and his Monkey , Fella sits down at the bar and starts drinking his beer.

The bartender is watching the monkey very close . About this time , the monkey runs down the bar , grabs a cherry out of this girls drink , sticks it up his butt and then pulls it back out and eats it.

Again , the bartender is fuming , he hollers at the man " Hey i thought i told you not to bring him back until he had learned better , he just stuck a cherry in his butt and then ate it "

They guy calmly looks at the bartender and says " He did learn better , After he had tp crap that cue ball he learned to gauge things first"