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  #211  
Old 01-26-2010, 04:16 PM
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Mark Mark is offline
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A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Mac, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Mac, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.

So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.

Mac was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Mac showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mac announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her.

Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mac, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
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  #212  
Old 01-26-2010, 04:25 PM
billwilliams70
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^Oh my, that's funny!

Later.
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  #213  
Old 01-26-2010, 05:11 PM
Mac
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Marks Driver's Application

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.


Last name: ___Hughes_____________

First name:
[x_] Mark [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: _eleventeen___ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_X]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: __10__ Left _8.5___ Right
Occupation:
[X_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: _______Rachel___________________
2nd Spouse's Name: ___Jennifer_______________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _____Holly_____________________
Lover's Name: _________Blake_________________
2nd Lover's Name: _______Jeffrey___________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_X] Sister [_X] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: _8__
Number of children living in shed: __3_
Number of children that are yours: _0__

Mother's Name: ___________Flo____________
Father's Name: ____________Uncle Dad___________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_X] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [X_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
__22_ Total number of vehicles you own
_3__ Number of vehicles that still crank
__9_ Number of vehicles in front yard
__8_ Number of vehicles in back yard
__5_ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin __6____ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_x] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
__x__ truck __x__ kitchen
__x__ bedroom ___x_ bathroom/outhouse
__x__ shed __x__ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: ___ford______ 1942_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_x] No; If no, please explain: Boy needed it for his big wheel

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_x] Bassmasters

__36_ Number of times you've seen a UFO
_48__ Number of times you've seen Elvis
__13_ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_x] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? depends on if its my week to wear em
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[x_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[x_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_x] whats a paved road
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  #214  
Old 01-26-2010, 05:40 PM
Oddtodd76
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hahahahahaahha! I am stealing that one!
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  #215  
Old 01-26-2010, 07:43 PM
Twinsmama
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"
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  #216  
Old 01-26-2010, 07:47 PM
Twinsmama
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark View Post
From A Mother With Love

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
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  #217  
Old 01-26-2010, 08:00 PM
County Mike
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Twinsmama View Post
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Hahahahahahahahah
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  #218  
Old 01-26-2010, 08:03 PM
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NateR NateR is offline
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Posts: 5,742
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Twinsmama View Post
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"
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  #219  
Old 01-26-2010, 11:04 PM
Silverback
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Mac its not nice to pick on Mark, you know how quirky he is, and you must not forget how many times he was droped on his head, now take all them bad things you said back!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mac View Post
Marks Driver's Application

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.


Last name: ___Hughes_____________

First name:
[x_] Mark [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: _eleventeen___ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_X]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: __10__ Left _8.5___ Right
Occupation:
[X_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: _______Rachel___________________
2nd Spouse's Name: ___Jennifer_______________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _____Holly_____________________
Lover's Name: _________Blake_________________
2nd Lover's Name: _______Jeffrey___________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_X] Sister [_X] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: _8__
Number of children living in shed: __3_
Number of children that are yours: _0__

Mother's Name: ___________Flo____________
Father's Name: ____________Uncle Dad___________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_X] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [X_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
__22_ Total number of vehicles you own
_3__ Number of vehicles that still crank
__9_ Number of vehicles in front yard
__8_ Number of vehicles in back yard
__5_ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin __6____ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_x] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
__x__ truck __x__ kitchen
__x__ bedroom ___x_ bathroom/outhouse
__x__ shed __x__ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: ___ford______ 1942_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_x] No; If no, please explain: Boy needed it for his big wheel

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_x] Bassmasters

__36_ Number of times you've seen a UFO
_48__ Number of times you've seen Elvis
__13_ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_x] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? depends on if its my week to wear em
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[x_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[x_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_x] whats a paved road
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  #220  
Old 01-27-2010, 04:37 AM
Silverback
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Mark and Mac if you two don't start getting along I am turning the truck around and we will be going back home, so whats it going to be??
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark View Post
A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Mac, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Mac, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.

So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.

Mac was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Mac showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mac announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her.

Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mac, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
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