Joke Thread

[VCURamFan]

Originally Posted by MattHughesRocks

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other

people's carts when they weren't looking.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

I literally laughed out loud at these, which especially dangerous, considering everyone around here is asleep right now!!

[MattHughesRocks]

An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.

She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her host to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years , you still call your husband all those loving pet names'.

The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'

[MattHughesRocks]

[FONT="Courier New"]Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one
chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch butt
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get
good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house
should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [/FONT]

Originally Posted by MattHughesRocks

[FONT="Courier New"]Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [/FONT]

those are my favorites

[Tyburn]

Originally Posted by MattHughesRocks

[FONT="Courier New"]Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one
chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch butt
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get
good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house
should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [/FONT]

thats sooo my sense of humour

[Mark]

From A Mother With Love
Dear Mac,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Mark was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Boomer and Nate were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

you cant help but laugh at that..

One day, a Jewish man became frustrated with his son, so he talked with the young man and told him, “I’m going to send you to the Holy Land, so you’ll come back a good Jew.” The young men went off and came back a few years later a Christian. The older man was surprised and didn’t know what to do, so he went to his friend and told him. His friend said, “funny you should mention that. I had the same problem with my son and the same thing happened.” They didn’t know what to do, so they went to a Rabbi and they explained the situation to the Rabbi, the Rabbi responded with, “funny you should mention that. I had the same thing happen with my son and he came back a Christian as well, what can we do?”

So, all three men went before God in prayer, they prayed together, “Lord, years ago, we sent our sons to the Holy Land to become better Jews and they came back Christians, what do we do?” The Lord replied, “funny you should mention that….”

Later.

[NateR]

Originally Posted by Mark

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

I lol'd.

[MattHughesRocks]

Originally Posted by billwilliams70

One day, a Jewish man became frustrated with his son, so he talked with the young man and told him, “I’m going to send you to the Holy Land, so you’ll come back a good Jew.” The young men went off and came back a few years later a Christian. The older man was surprised and didn’t know what to do, so he went to his friend and told him. His friend said, “funny you should mention that. I had the same problem with my son and the same thing happened.” They didn’t know what to do, so they went to a Rabbi and they explained the situation to the Rabbi, the Rabbi responded with, “funny you should mention that. I had the same thing happen with my son and he came back a Christian as well, what can we do?”

So, all three men went before God in prayer, they prayed together, “Lord, years ago, we sent our sons to the Holy Land to become better Jews and they came back Christians, what do we do?” The Lord replied, “funny you should mention that….”

Later.