Joke Thread

[MattHughesRocks]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

Originally Posted by MattHughesRocks

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

occifer, please don't drunk me, i'm not arrested

Originally Posted by MattHughesRocks

Yeah, start off blaming me right away

i didn't blame you, i just stated that my joke was along the lines of marital abuse as well....oh on that case




and then

[MattHughesRocks]

Oh your going to do your daddy proud one day son

Originally Posted by MattHughesRocks

Oh your going to do your daddy proud one day son

haha, you know i'd never do that..I'm just messing with you...you could be the exception though if you give me e-lip

[MattHughesRocks]

Legendarily naughty Little Johnny sat in class quietly as the students were composing a poem with their teacher. When she asked for an F-word that rhymed with "duck" he waved his hand feverishly.

The teacher frowned and passed him by. No kids, however, could offer her a solution. Finally she glared at Johnny and called on him.

Johnny put on his devlish grin and said, "An F-word that rhymes with duck is.... fluctuation."

The teacher blurted out, "No Johnny, that's sucks! I'm so sick of telling you what a little frigging asshole you are!"

Originally Posted by MattHughesRocks

Oh your going to do your daddy proud one day son

It's true. I am very proud of him. ;)

Here's an oldy but a goodie:

Teacher: Can anyone use the word "fascinate" in a sentence?

Little Johnny: My aunt has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.

what did the fish say when he swam into a wall?.....dam!

[MattHughesRocks]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes - caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you injured or disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Well, I was injured in Iraq but I'm not really disabled. An IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. Well, you've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day after that."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to come in until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that...."

A baby seal walks into a club.