Joke Thread

[MattHughesRocks]

Originally Posted by Neezar

[MattHughesRocks]

BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the server, "Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you're blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blond girl.

3. I'm a 6 f oot tall, 175 lb. blond woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do y ou still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head,and mutters,

"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A dog walks into a bar and says..."I'm looking for the man that shot my Paw"!!

[MattHughesRocks]

Putting Your Affairs in Order!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've
got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best
put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself
and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been
waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are
good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this
case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to
the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less
somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They
were eventually approached by some of the woman's old
friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking
to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The
friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and
beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned
over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were
dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were
dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping
with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting
Your Affairs In Order.'

[Neezar]

A Police officer approached a blond stopped in the middle of the road before the river overpass holding up traffic. The officer noticed the driver jotting on a notebook frantically. He asked the blond, what in the world are you doing? She replied, "The sign says Draw Bridge".

This IM chat just happened.....

-----
Mike: I'm waiting for a download

Andrew: Okay

...

Mike: ok. We can meet by 6 probably.
download started (rapidshare)

Andrew: Sound's good
and I was wondering, what's with conspiracy theorists and bad web design?

Mike: lol
which one this time? xxxxxxx.xxx?

Andrew: yes
Not the worst I've ever seen, but it's pretty bad.
-----

[Spiritwalker]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California
When suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust..

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you
Give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility inHamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.


Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."


"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.


He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.


Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"


The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"


"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"


"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and You don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ....

Now give me back my dog..

Originally Posted by Spiritwalker

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California
When suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust..

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you
Give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility inHamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.


Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."


"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.


He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.


Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"


The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"


"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"


"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and You don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ....

Now give me back my dog..

I love it. That one is great.

Originally Posted by Spiritwalker

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California
When suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.........

We should give the Cowboy the Nobel Peace Prize....

[Neezar]

From Dave in another thread

Originally Posted by Tyburn

Works are about Earth. They are possibly about earning rewards in Heaven if thats what motivates you. But I personally have no desperate need to be rewarded at all in Heaven, just being their with GOD is quite sufficient for me...and besides...you dont know what works equate to what crowns GOD may give you in the Spiritual Realm.

Reward for goodness

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"