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  #111  
Old 06-09-2009, 03:16 PM
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FAIL!





Quote:
Originally Posted by Primadawn
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy
felt
she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at
the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb
felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a
deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky
is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we
are married.'

She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant
size
winky.'


Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,
teasing, and holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out
of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is .... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long.'
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  #112  
Old 06-21-2009, 04:49 AM
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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


Attention female readers
: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers
: Please scroll down.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.


.
.The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife









Moral of the story
: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show












PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!



















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  #113  
Old 06-21-2009, 04:52 AM
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OldTimer Sex


This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!




The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind this very village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you..'





Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'



OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'



Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'



A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.



The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.



The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..



Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.



Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.



The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.



After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.



So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'



Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

















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  #114  
Old 06-28-2009, 08:53 PM
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What do Kermit The Frog and John The Baptist have in common?















- Their middle name.
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  #115  
Old 06-28-2009, 09:12 PM
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Rejected Children's Book titles:

1. Juggling Knives is Easy
2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven
3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want
5. "Whatcha' Doin'" the Wonderful Phrase
6. 101 Games to Play in the Road
7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher
8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork
9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games
10. Arthur Gets Hunted
11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
12. Monsters Killed Grandpa
13. The hit sequel to "Elvis is your real dad" Mrs.Clause is your real Mom
14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul
15. All Guns Squirt Water
16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
20. 101 recipies to make with Dog
21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree
22. The New Boy is Bad
23. Your Nightmares are real
24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs
25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis
26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender
27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious.....
28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption
29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower
31. Grampa Gets A Casket
32. Dad's New Wife Robert
33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator

My favorites are 9, 16, 18, 19, 28 & 32!
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  #116  
Old 07-15-2009, 08:46 PM
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Did you hear about the blond who heard that 90% of all accidents happen within one mile of the home?........She moved
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  #117  
Old 07-15-2009, 09:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by surveyorshawn
Did you hear about the blond who heard that 90% of all accidents happen within one mile of the home?........She moved
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  #118  
Old 07-16-2009, 05:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by surveyorshawn
Did you hear about the blond who heard that 90% of all accidents happen within one mile of the home?........She moved
Michelle does tend to re-locate a lot...
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  #119  
Old 07-16-2009, 05:51 AM
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Twice a year or so...can't be too safe

Quote:
Originally Posted by VCURamFan
Michelle does tend to re-locate a lot...
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  #120  
Old 07-16-2009, 07:02 AM
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An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise?"

The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!
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