Joke Thread

I like that one.

[MattHughesRocks]

The dog one? I still LOL when I read it

Originally Posted by County Mike

I like that one.

[MattHughesRocks]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head...

In a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me
in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over
there anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges
for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the
Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several
natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could
possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that
I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge'?

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent , who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent ,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.


That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because of his obnoxiously loud snoring. So, they decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?” He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I didn’t sleep a wink, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next morning, after another guy took his turn with Bob, the end result was the same… came to breakfast, hair all standing up, eyes bloodshot and no sleep….

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, 'Man, that Bob snores so loud I swear I saw the roof shaking… I couldn’t sleep and sat up watching him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned muscular older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning when Fred show’d up for breakfast, he was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, whistling a tune and said, "Good morning! Everybody, how’d ya’ll sleep last night?!!"

Everyone was shocked, it got so quiet you could've heard a pin drop, no one could believe it and finally one guy speaks up and says, “Hey Man, what happened?"

Fred replied, "Well, when Bob and I got ready for bed, I went over, tucked Bob in, kissed him good night, patted him on the butt and said sleep well Partner... and ol’ Bob sat up and watched ME all night…."

Top 10 reasons a gun is
favored over a woman....

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when
you're on the road.

# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.

# 7 Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'

# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

[MattHughesRocks]

I'm getting a gun!

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy
felt
she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at
the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb
felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a
deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky
is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we
are married.'

She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant
size
winky.'

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,
teasing, and holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out
of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is .... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long.'