Joke Thread

[MattHughesRocks]

A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asks the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."

[MattHughesRocks]

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Tyburn]

Farmer: "Isnt it wonderful how the little chicks get out of their shells?"
Visitor from the City " Indeed, But what gets me is how they get in theor in the first place..."

[Tyburn]

Funnies from Religious Education Exam papers

"Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unlevened bread, which is bread without any ingredients"

"The seventh Commandment is Thou Shalt not Admit Adultory"

"Solomon, one of Davids Sons had 300 wives and 700 porcupines"

"It was a mircale when Jesus rose from the dead, and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance"

"The people who followed the Lord were called "The Twelve Decibels""

[MattHughesRocks]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing.Youve already told her twice

(oh shut up)

[Bonnie]

Originally Posted by MattHughesRocks

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing.Youve already told her twice

(oh shut up)

Hmmm, why does this joke sound soooo familiar...

[MattHughesRocks]

It's the best one ever and I post it every few weeks?

Naaaah!

Originally Posted by Bonnie

Hmmm, why does this joke sound soooo familiar...

[MattHughesRocks]

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?" The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

[MattHughesRocks]

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."
Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit."
"I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve been complaining ever since you got here."

[MattHughesRocks]

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale."
Intrigued, he walks in.
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.
"I’ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"
The owner says, "Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!"