03-03-2011, 07:06 PM
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Basketball Capital of the World
French Military History:
- Gallic Wars (mid-1st Century BC) - Lost
- In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at this time in history, a Roman -ed.]
- War with Spanish Moors (late 700s-early 800s) - Lost
- Even with Charlemagne leading them, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.
- Norse invasions (841-911) - Tied
- After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by French King Charles the Simple who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans become about the only positive military bonus in France's favor for the next 13 centuries.
- Third Crusade (1189-1192) - Lost
- Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.
- Albigenses Crusade (1208) - Won
- Due to the fact that the French massacred…more French. When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Gives us the Fourth Rule of French Warfare: “French are sweet when fighting unarmed men, women and children.”
- Seventh Crusade (1248-1253) - Lost
- St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed
- Eighth Crusade (1270) - Lost
- St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.
- Hundred Years War (1337-1453) - Mostly lost
- Saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." She was sainted.
- Italian Wars (1494-1559) - Lost
- France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Barbary Wars (Middle Ages-1830) - Tied
- Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kill them so they leave us alone ("the Shores of Tripoli").
- Thirty Years War (1618-1648) - Lost
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- Wars of Religion (2nd half of the 16th Century)- Lost
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Mexico (1863-1864) - Lost
- France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness after its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier. The only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen).
- The Dutch War (1672-1678) - Tied
- India (1673-1813) - Lost
- The British were far more charming than French. Makes the British well known for their tea and the French for their w(h)ine. Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England
- War of the Spanish Succession (1701-1714) - Lost
- The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- French and Indian War (1754-1763) - Lost
- Claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- Seven Year War (1756-1763) - Lost
- After getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. This war also saw France kicked out of Canada and India.
- American Revolution (1775-1783)
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- Haitian Revolution (1791-1804) - Lost
- French defeated after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Leads to the Third Rule of French Warfare [based loosely on the Second Rule -ed.]: “When in doubt, send an ally.”
- Quasi-War with U.S. (1798-1801) - Lost
- French privateers attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years and France eventually caves. Sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.
- The Napoleonic Wars (1799-1815) - Lost
- Temporary victories (remember the First Rule) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War (1870-1871) - Lost
- Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- Panama jungles (1881-1890) - Lost
- No one but nature to fight, France still loses. The canal is eventually built by the U.S.
- World War I (1914-1918) - Tied
- On the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II (1939-1945) - Lost
- Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France: entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.).
- War in Indochina (1946-1954) - Lost
- French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion (1954-1962) - Lost
- Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism (2000-____) - Losing
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
- St. Bartholomew Day Massacre (1572) - Won
- Once again, French-on-French slaughter.
- French Revolution (1789-1799) - Won
- Primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.