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Old 03-03-2009, 12:59 AM
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Default How to Defeat a Hijacker

http://rhinoden.rangerup.com/how-to-defeat-a-hijacker/

Very funny article. Not to be read by those who will cry or whine about it. Minor language in article for those who like to skip bad language....


How to Defeat a Hijacker
Posted on 27 February 2009
Tags: fighting advice, hijacker, how to
You’ve never hated flying so much as when someone yells, “Allah Akbar” and runs toward the cockpit with a knife in hand. If you weren’t an aerophobe before, you certainly would be IF you ever overcome the post-traumatic stress disorder that accompanies the drama of a hijacking. But in this situation there’s actually hope. Anyone stupid enough to commandeer a plane is at an immediate disadvantage because they have less maneuver space than Star Jones in a Mini Cooper. Plus the possibility that a hijacker snuck a firearm onto the plane is remote. As incompetent as you might think airport security is, even that Kukla, Fran, and Ollie show have effective ways of keeping guns from getting on planes. If he has any weapon, it’s probably a knife of some sort…Still dangerous, but at least manageable.

Before you spring into action, look around the cabin for an Air Marshall (hint-he’s usually in a suit, has a close haircut, and got on the plane before everyone else). If he’s there he’ll whip out his Barretta and blast the poor bastard. If not, time for you to get your hero on. The U.S. Department of Homeland Security advises you to reach a non-violent, peaceful end to the standoff. But let’s be honest, if you’re reading this then you’re not exactly the “peaceful resolution” type are you?

Step 1 – Corner the ****er. Hijackers usually head to the front of a plane to take over the cockpit (duh), which greatly limits his mobility and does half of your job for you. Trap him against the front door and don’t let him get away.

Step 2 – Get backup. No matter how many weights Hous bin Farteen has lifted, he’s no match for three pissed off cornfed Nebraska boys forced to ride in coach. Hell, even four first class martini drinkers have enough body weight to overwhelm the mightiest rice-eating Afghani. Count to three (in English so he doesn’t understand you) and rush his ass. Disarm and sit on him until a kinky stewardess can use her dominatrix skills to tie him up.

Contingency Plan – Should asshole hijacker take a hostage, be cool. Your best bet is to wait him out and be long winded. Discuss all the things you hate about America and try to be convincing, which is easy if you’re a liberal. As long as he has all of his attention on you and his hostage, then he’s not hijacking the plane and the pilot will put it down safely. Then bum rush his ass. If he stabs the hostage, oh well. At least the other two hundred and something people are saved. Just look at it as Darwinism in action. The herd will be stronger.

Emergency Backup Plan – In the completely likely event that you can’t muster enough Americans to back you up, find an Israeli. They usually have experience with this ****. No Israeli on board? Whip out the Krav Maga knife disarming move. Thrust one hand into the hijackers throat while simultaneously blocking his slashing move. This will impact his breathing enough for follow-on strikes while protecting your vital organs from his knife.

Bonus Points – After you’ve subdued Grabir Boob’e, get some booze from the plane’s galley and pour it in his mouth, thus violating the Koran and eliminating any chance he might have had of entering heaven and getting his 72 vestial virgins. Band one of the stewardesses just to rub it in.


~Amy
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Old 03-03-2009, 01:07 AM
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Also, go through everyone's carry to find a football (pigskin) and force it into his hands.
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Old 03-03-2009, 01:17 AM
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Also, go through everyone's carry to find a football (pigskin) and force it into his hands.

And then make him lick it. Even better would be to rub a piece of crisply cooked bacon on his tongue, he'll crave it after that and hate himself for being so weak.....


~Amy
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Old 03-03-2009, 01:22 AM
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And then make him lick it. Even better would be to rub a piece of crisply cooked bacon on his tongue, he'll crave it after that and hate himself for being so weak.....


~Amy
Just shove Bacon Bits up his nose!
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Old 03-03-2009, 01:25 AM
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Just shove Bacon Bits up his nose!

Then when he goes to sleep in the prison cell, the rats will come and chew his nose off. Awesome.


~Amy
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Old 03-03-2009, 01:28 AM
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Then when he goes to sleep in the prison cell, the rats will come and chew his nose off. Awesome.


~Amy
Haha, sweet!!
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Old 03-03-2009, 01:28 AM
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Oh, and let's get the American govt to hire Dave to make speeches on youtube telling exactly why Jihad is wrong and he can delve all into the muslim faith and they are required to write responses to any questions Dave asks them. He'll get in their heads, have fun doing it, and get to be an American. And they will never figure Dave out so that's a form of torture all on it's own.


~Amy
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Old 03-03-2009, 05:05 PM
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I love this thread. Last night in my Psych(o) class my teacher started crying telling us about Abu Graib detainees having to stand naked. I wonder if I should email her this thread.
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Old 03-03-2009, 05:26 PM
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I love this thread. Last night in my Psych(o) class my teacher started crying telling us about Abu Graib detainees having to stand naked. I wonder if I should email her this thread.
Yes do that.

And Yes I approve of this thread.
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Old 03-03-2009, 10:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Josh
I love this thread. Last night in my Psych(o) class my teacher started crying telling us about Abu Graib detainees having to stand naked. I wonder if I should email her this thread.
Ha that's hilarious.....Maybe you should ask your teacher what the hell do we have to do with Abu Graib these days?...thats been turned over to the iraqi Gov. a couple years ago....and yes the military may have a few bad apples and of coarse thats all were going to here about on the news....but i have NO sympathy for terrorist, we could have killed them instead of taking prisoners...but that would make them a Martyr.....Oh and FYI....i saw last week on yahoo news they changed the name to Baghdad Central Prison or something like that
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