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Old 11-19-2010, 11:12 AM
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Episode 10:

Fade in to a SpikeTV producer in a dimly-lit room, leaning over an editor who is in turn leaning over an editing console and a pair of monitors.

"So we tried adding a drunken French kickboxer into the mix," says the producer. "That was good for maybe one and a half episodes. Then we added a convicted rapist. Then we added a 'medic', then some unknown high-ranking wrestler. What's left on the list of ratings boosters?"

The editor reaches for a clipboard on his desk, begins reading aloud from it. "Uh, we still have that actress who will come onto the set claiming to be Georges St. Pierre's secret wife. There's also that kid who will claim to be St. Pierre's illegitimate son. And there's still that kidnapping-and-ransom plot we can throw in, the hostage situation, and, uh, that whole rampaging escaped rhinoceros thing."

"Is that it?" asks the producer. "Nothing less… blatant?"

The editor stares at the clipboard some more. "Ah, yes. There's a boxing trainer. Freddie Roach. We have him down as guest training St. Pierre's team and accidentally killing one of them."

"Hmmm…" says the producer, considering the options. Then he snaps his finger and points at one of the monitors. "Okay, we'll use the boxing trainer, but no deaths. We need to inject some life into this thing yet nothing too over-the-top."

"Done," says the editor with a nod.

And so that's how another character is added to this emotionally-devoid season of "The Ultimate Boring". But first!

A quarterfinal match-up between Dr. Watson and Eye-run Wal-king Some looms. And by "looms", I mean, we see them saying "yeah, we're going to fight," and then boom, they're making their way to the Octagon before five minutes have elapsed in the episode.

"Don't get choked out," coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh advises his British ward. But Eye-run Wal-king Some has other ideas, and when the ref yells "fight!" the Brit promptly lies down on his stomach and lets Dr. Watson take his back. The ensuing rear naked choke is purely academic, the inevitable tap out a sad testament to how no one - not even the fighters themselves - is really giving a crap anymore.

"Damn," says Josh Kosh B'Gosh, apparently believing that a coach's role extends only as far as shouting last-second advice as your fighter steps into the cage.

There's one quarterfinal bout left, the eagerly-anticipated (okay, not really) hate-filled (well, not exactly) grudge (um, nah) match between Chris Rock on Steroids and Bruce Leroy.

Says Georges St. Mumble: "Dese guys, day real-ee 'ate each other, so nat-chur-lee, day must fight." Whatever.

Cut to the guest appearance of boxing trainer extraordinaire Freddie Roach, who coached Rocky Balboa to a gutsy win in his rematch against Ivan Drago, and who taught Cain how to swing a rock for his bout against Abel. Freddie Roach holds the pads for the alien Jonathan ("Good hand speed, but what the hell is this guy? A muppet?"), holds the pads for Chris Rock on Steroids and Bruce Leroy ("What does that cue card say? 'Boy, these guys really hate each other'?), and holds the pads for no one, standing there and telling an imaginary boxer that his jab is fast.

There's also some kind of faux-static with Josh Kosh B'Gosh somehow blaming the last quarterfinal match-up on Georges St. All Smiles No Discernible Words, like, the pairing is the fault of the Canadian's machinations. But we know better. This season has produced so much coach vs. coach heat that volcanoes are like, "Whoa, guys, chill out." This is just one more excuse for these two to hate each other passionately and tack on an extra 300,000 consumers for their future pay-per-view fight.

And then Chris Rock on Steroids and Bruce Leroy are fighting, Bruce Leroy in his yellow jumpsuit with his afro swaying to and fro, Chris Rock on Steroids talking about how awesome the "Rush Hour" films were and how he was supposed to star in the "Karate Kid" remake with Jackie Chan but that "Chinese son of a bitch screwed me." For all his flashy kicks and wild techniques, though, Bruce Leroy can't help but fall prey to his opponent's wrestling, and Chris Rock on Steroids picks him up and dumps onto the canvas over and over and over again. Though tired in Round 2, Chris Rock keeps up with the punishment. Bruce Leroy - unable to summon the mythical "Glow" - loses the decision.

"That fight sucked," Josh Kosh B'Gosh says angrily to Georges St. Has No Business Even Pretending He Can Speak English.

"Hey, go easy, man," says Mount Kilauea in Hawaii.

Post-fight and Dana White calls the coaches into his lair to determine the final two match-ups. There's no fanfare, there's no conflict (which is pretty much typical of this season). Both coaches and UFC president agree that Chris Rock on Steroids should face Banh Mi (which leaves Dr. Watson facing Jonathan). They in turn tell the remaining fighters.

Cut to the dimly-lit room. The SpikeTV producer is staring at the monitor. Slowly he begins shaking his head. "You know what?" he says.

"What?" says the editor.

"This sucks. Get the zoo on the phone. We're going to need that rhinoceros."

Fade to black.
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Old 11-19-2010, 02:10 PM
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Hahaha, good stuff!!! Thanks for picking up my slack . . . Again!
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Old 12-03-2010, 08:00 PM
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Episode 11:

And so we come to the end, the final double episode where all loose ends are tied up and all targeted demographics that were overlooked get their time in the sun. For the alien viewers, we're treated to Na'vi/Muppet hybrid Jonathan skulking in the foliage of the TUF House backyard. For the gays, we're treated to Banh Mi spanking it in the shower and a half dozen dudes watching and giggling like girls. For the subscribers of "Facial Hair Weekly", we're treated to Dr. Watson going from a full beard to a goatee to a clean-shaven mug in the span of six narrated sentences. But first!

Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh, who - aside from Banh Mi - all got their asses kicked and are now just killing time and stealing anything not nailed down, are having a group therapy session, venting about what they feel was substandard training. You see, coach Georges St. Christ I Can't Understand Him brought in an assortment of guest coaches, like convicted rapist Mike Tyson, Crazy Drunk French Muay Thai Guy, some wrestler, a jazz pianist and a rabbi who specializes in cooking kosher food. Meanwhile, they were stuck with the staff from American Kickboxing Academy, and what the hell does a kickboxing school know about mixed martial arts?

To accentuate the team's dissatisfaction, Marky-Marc begins doing impressions of Josh Kosh B'Gosh. This includes him spraying Chris Leben with a hose, getting knocked out by Paulo Thiago, and winning 13 out of 17 UFC fights. In true comedic fashion, Josh Kosh B'Gosh walks in at the end of the routine, but one can only assume he approves, as he steps behind the bar and starts pouring everyone shots.

Meanwhile, nestled among the branches of a large tree out back, Jonathan talks of being humble, and never losing sight of who he is and who he wants to be. Also, these damn humans are annoying with their cars and pollution and microwave ovens.
"Damn humans," Jonathan hisses while dangling upside down, his tail twitching to and fro.

Back in the TUF House and everyone is conspiring. You see, they suspect Banh Mi has been beating his meat in the shower, and as roughly forty percent of the show's advertising sales comes from gay-targeted products, something "fabulous" must be done.

"I say we throw a party with streamers and a karaoke machine that plays only show tunes," says Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34.

"No, no, no," says Bruce Leroy. "We should all dress up as our favorite female performers and have a dance-off. I'll be Diana Ross."

Eye-run Wal-king Some snaps his fingers. "I've got it! Let's run into the bathroom while he's taking a shower!"

And so they do, and the camera dutifully follows them in so we can see a naked Banh Mi looking dismayed as he reaches for a towel.

At the gym and Dr. Watson is preparing. First, by doing some light exercises, then by changing his facial hairstyle from "mountain man" to "Old West villain" to "hipster" to "young dude going out on his first date". While this transformation is going on, Dr. Watson is narrating, something about fighting and ditching his girlfriend and his dogs and how he learned to be a master of disguise to keep his girlfriend and dogs from ever finding him.

Thankfully, it's time for Jonathan and Dr. Watson to fight, and once they start mixing it up, it becomes apparent that Jonathan won't have as easy a time as he did in his earlier bouts. That is to say, in the first couple minutes Dr. Watson manages to pop him a few times in the chops with his fists. But then it's all Jonathan until the final bell of the third round, the alien creature throwing Dr. Watson around and battering him with punches nonstop. Jonathan takes the unanimous decision, thereby earning himself a berth in the finals.

Next up is Banh Mi and Chris Rock on Steroids, and for being a dude who takes showers naked and may or may not be touching himself, Banh Mi is ostracized and ridiculed and made to wear a scarlet "A" on his TUF jersey. Even Jonathan, who strives to keep himself apart from "those filthy Earthlings", notices how completely alone Banh Mi is.

"Humans. Damn," says Jonathan from his hiding place in the hollowed-out insides of a stump.

And then it's time for Banh Mi and Chris Rock on Steroids to fight. True to form, the Vietnamese Ecstasy dealer lets himself get beat on throughout the first round, though when taken down he does dish some right back in the form of elbows to the head. Still, despite landing some hellacious body shots in Round 2, Banh Mi continues to take punishment, with Chris Rock on Steroids throwing wildly and landing about a third of the time. Both men are exhausted in the final round, but neither gives up, and up until the end they're throwing hard. The split decision goes to Chris Rock on Steroids.

And there you have it, the final TUF 12 match-up between Jonathan the alien/Muppet/God-knows-what thingy versus Chris Rock on Steroids. But if there's anything to take away from this season, any pertinent fact to file away and keep in mind for future use, it's: GEORGES ST. PIERRE CAN'T SPEAK COHERENT ENGLISH. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MORE SPEAKING ROLES.
The end.

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