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  #31  
Old 10-25-2010, 03:48 PM
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I love these.
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  #32  
Old 10-25-2010, 04:03 PM
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It's always great to be reminded of just how ridiculous this show is. Mitch always makes me giggle.
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  #33  
Old 10-29-2010, 04:03 PM
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Grrrrrrrrr . . . he's late posting again!
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  #34  
Old 11-07-2010, 02:16 PM
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Not wanting to step on toes, but...

Quote:
Mitch the Intern's TUF 12 Recap: Episode 7
*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Often, when there's no inherent drama in a situation - like when a supposed villain isn't that bad at all or when a Canadian doesn't know enough English to merit a speaking role - a SpikeTV producer must inject something into the scene to add spice. Sometimes it means the cast stumbles upon a cache of automatic weapons or a suitcase full of mob money. Sometimes it means telling cast members that their relatives have died (whether they have or not is irrelevant). And sometimes it means adding characters. But first!

There's one semifinal match-up left, and by the process of elimination we can surmise that it's going to be Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh's Armenian Fighter Wannabe # 34 vs. Joe Native American. Everyone agrees that Joe Native American sucks, from Dana White to Georges St. Pierre to Joe Native American to the janitor, and they voice their opinions in candid one-on-ones with the camera.

"Native American versus Armenian? No contest," says Dana White.

"I meed sure 'is fight was last bee-cuz 'ee sucks as a figh-terr," says the welterweight champ.

"Oh man, I suck," says Joe Native American.

"Jesus Christ," says the janitor, mop in hand. "Spencer the Page break the damn toilet bowl - again!"

The scene switches to the obligatory training montage. Joe Native American has pretty much gotten no screen time in the prior six episodes, which leads us to believe he's got zero personality and nothing about him worth talking about, so drunken French Muay Thai master Jean-Claude Van Hairy is thrust into the spotlight. You know, to add spice.

Says Jean-Claude Van Hairy after drinking a six-pack of Zima and half a bottle of Gordon's Gin: "Ah, oui…" There's retching sounds and then vomiting, and the kicboxer wipes off his chin. "Oui. Bien sur."

Meanwhile, in the Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34's life, there's talk of gunshot wounds, gangs and sweaters knitted out of the copious body hair an Armenian female generates in a year. There's also judo in there, studied since week nine in the womb, and we're led to believe that Joe Native American is in trouble. Grave trouble.

Unfortunately, none of this is moving the needle in the "Interesting-O-Meter", so a SpikeTV producer gets central casting on the phone.

Central casting: "Hello?"

SpikeTV producer: "Yeah, I need someone menacing. Someone not really a fighter, but who you'd think would be capable of fighting. But nothing too obvious - no prison escapees, no assassins, no crazies. What do you got?"

Central casting: "Hmmm… Menacing? Fighter but not a fighter? And nothing too obvious? How about a big black guy who works in the medical industry?"

SpikeTV: "Fantastic! Send him down."

And so there you have it, the reason why a heretofore unseen character is thrust into the cauldron of conflict, the reason why Josh Kosh B'Gosh walks into the TUF Training Center and starts beefing with the opposing team's "medic".

"So, you're the, uh, 'medic'?" says Josh Kosh B'Gosh, taking cues from someone off-screen. Someone probably the producer.

"Yes, I am the medic," says the new guy, his voice a monotone as he reads his lines from an index card in his palm. "And I will take no crap from you, Mr. Josh B'Kosha… K'Boshi…Kosh-Kosh-"

"Josh Kosh B'Gosh!" comes an urgent whisper from off-camera.

"Mr. Josh Kosh B'Gosh," says the new guy.

And then it's time for the coaches' challenge. That's right, that special time when the two opposing MMA fighters at the helm of each team must compete in some activity so inane and unrelated that the word "comedy" doesn't even come close to describing it (usually "tragedy" is more accurate). Once BJ Penn and Jens Pulver had to ride a bucking bronco (together - same bull). Another time Ken Shamrock and Tito Ortiz had to perform open-heart surgery (both patients died). Well, this time Georges St. Pierre and Josh Kosh B'Gosh must hit baseballs. Oh the insanity! The hijinks! Ah, who am I kidding, it's lame. Georges St. Pierre doesn't speak a lick of English and he's never seen a baseball bat in his life, so of course Josh Kosh B'Gosh kicks his butt. There's a stack of money involved and it goes to the American, but if any of that is meant to add additional spice to the proceeds… um, fail.

Fight time, and Joe Native American and Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34 mix it up against the cage for most of their bout, Joe Native American trying for a guillotine and somehow, someway using dark magick to avoid the perils of the Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34's alleged judo prowess. He still gets beat on, just not as badly.

"Wow, Joe Native American's not getting his ass kicked," says Dana White from his perch cageside. "As 'not getting your ass kicked' is a part of the judging criteria, he may actually win this!"

But it's not, and he doesn't, and Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34 takes the decision after two rounds.

Afterwards, Dana White gathers the two coaches in his lair. With clipboards in hand, they discuss which fighters should get a second chance and compete in the wildcard match-up. Both coaches agree that Brit Eye-run Wal-king Some deserves another shot (despite him being pretty battered and bruised from his scrap with Chris Rock on Steroids). But for slot number two Josh Kosh B'Gosh thinks Marky-Marc and the Funky Bunch should be the man; Georges St. Pierre wants Joe Native American. "Sum-times I do tings dat dee-fy logic an' ree-son," says the Canadian. "For een-stance, I agreed to coach when I do not speak En-glish so well."

Dana White shakes his head.

"See what I have to work with?" Josh Kosh B'Gosh says in exasperation.

So Eye-run Wal-king Some and Marky-Marc it is!
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  #35  
Old 11-07-2010, 02:20 PM
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And part 8...

Quote:
Mitch the Intern's TUF 12 Recap: Episode 8 -
*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

The wildcard match-up! The wildcard match-up! It's all about the wildcard match-up! Does Marky-Mark and the Funky Bunch deserve a second chance after crapping the bed in his first semifinal bout? Should it have been Joe Native American in his place instead? No one disagrees with Brit Eye-run Wal-king Some being there, because he does make an effort to speak the language, but was no one else beside Marky-Mark worthy? Andy My Main Man thinks he was worthy, and he says so from a throne erected in the living room of the TUF House.

"I was worthy," he says, a diamond-studded cane in one hand and a scantily-clad brunette reclining on a purple pillow at his feet.

"My main man!" shouts P. Diddy as he cruises by the house in the back of a white stretch HUMVEE limousine.

"I was worthy too," adds Jeffrey Livingston Lentz.

"I like pickles," says Jonathan, who could very well be an alien or some sort of human-muppet hybrid. "Or maybe I like cucumbers."

But fight Marky-Mark and Eye-run Wal-king Some will, so they continue to train, side-by-side as usual and even going so far as to braid each other's hair and hold hands on the treadmill. "We'll always be friends forever," says the fox. "Yeah, friends forever," says the hound.

However, not "friends forever" is Josh Kosh B'Gosh and the "medic", who was added to the cast last week because the coach vs. coach dynamic has generated so much heat a snowflake would say, "Jesus, it's cold in here." And that's not good television.

"You are a male nurse," says Josh Kosh B'Gosh to the medic when both are back at the locker rooms.

The medic puffs out his chest, opens his mouth, but seemingly forgets what he was supposed to say. He pauses to glance at the index card in his palm. "Uh, no. I am not," he retorts in a monotone. Someone off-screen hands him a waste paper basket and gives Josh Kosh B'Gosh a plunger. "And now, we will fight," says the medic.

The two spar comically for a bit, and when it's time for the wildcard fight weigh-in, their battle spills out into the main training room, where Josh Kosh B'Gosh manages to pull the medic's shorts down.

"Stop, I am naked," says the medic, and he shuffles around with his shorts around his ankles and then does a poorly-staged pratfall on his face. When the medic rises a questionable scuffle ensues - Josh Kosh B'Gosh shouting "male nurse!" and the medic fumbling for his index card and his scripted response - and from his post near the scale Nevada State Athletic Commission Grand Poobah Keith Kizer yells, "Hey, cut it out, Nevada ain't sanctioning no works." But before the "fight" can get broken up, Joe Native American takes an errant pompom in the face and storms off angry.

Both Georges St. Pierre and Josh Kosh B'Gosh follow him, and corner him in the hallway.

"You do not 'ave to, er, get so up-set, Joseph Nay-tif Ameri-cain. It ees all just a ploy to git bet-terr ray-teens," says the Canadian in Canada-Speak.

"I can't understand you!" Joe Native American shouts in exasperation. "No one can!"

Meanwhile, back at the TUF House Bruce Leroy and Chris Rock on Steroids don't get along. They're aren't urinating on each other's comforters, scrapping on the patio or threatening each other with bodily harm, but there's at least a moderate dislike. In the background a SpikeTV producer can be heard cackling with glee, and their "feud" is given camera time.

"Yeah, if I had to, I would fight him," says Chris Rock on Steroids. Oh, the tension as the two UFC aspirants tuck each other into bed!

It's almost fight time, but before that joy a producer hands Eye-run Wal-king Some a telephone. On the other end is someone purporting to be the Brit's mom. "Eye-run? Your Nana is dead."

Eye-run Wal-king Some squints. "Uh, ma? She died years ago."

"Yes. But she's still dead."

And then it's fight time, and Marky-Mark is large and in charge throughout Round 1, looking like a true number-one TUF draft pick. He gets his opponent down easily and demonstrates a variety of jiu-jitsu techniques, including the "almost armbar" and the "almost triangle". Unfortunately, Eye-run Wal-king Some knows how to do that complicated move known as the "guillotine", and in Round 2 Marky-Mark is caught in it. He taps out.

"I guess I need to learn how to defend against the guillotine," Marky-Mark says to the camera at the Post-Fight Tree Confessional.

With the wildcard bout all taken care of, Dana White calls the two coaches into his Den of Sin. Why? Because it's time to make the quarterfinal match-ups, and he usually likes hear what the coaches have to say about the matter. Sadly, the language problem rears its ugly head.

"Eet would be an een-terr-est-ting fight, er, if a lion and a ti-gerr fought with-in the cage, I tink," says Georges St. What? "Wid dat in mind, perhaps pair-ring up Chris Rock on de Stair-oyds and may-bee Bruce Lee-roy would, er, make for…"

"Oh my God, please stop talking," says Dana White.

And with that, he shoos them out and makes the match-ups on his own. His choices, which he announces to the remaining fighters assembled in the TUF Gym: Jonathan vs. Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34, Spuds McKenzie vs. Banh Mi, Dr. Watson vs. Eye-run Wal-king Some, and Chris Rock on Steroids vs. Bruce Leroy.

The end.
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  #36  
Old 11-09-2010, 04:05 PM
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Thanks, wave, I appreciate you picking up my slack. I've trying to help out my buddy, Alex (just lost his dad), so other things have kinda fallen by the wayside.
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  #37  
Old 11-12-2010, 04:01 PM
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Episode 9:

Quote:
The quarterfinal match-ups are upon us, and by now, after so many weeks in the TUF House and so many training sessions and so many fights, everyone knows everything about everyone else. For instance, it's no secret Dr. Watson likes to solve crimes. And all are well aware that Jeremiah Johnson Lentz is running a meth lab in the backroom of the TUF Gym and that Andy My Main Man is a part-time pimp. Also not a secret: Jonathan is some kind of non-human creature (a white-ish Na'vi?) who favors the rear naked choke, and Armenians are a sucker for a good rear naked choke.
Which is problematic for Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34, who must face Jonathan in unarmed combat.

"Bro, don't let that alien thing choke you out," says teammate and ethnic brethren the Armenian Wonder.

"That's sound advice," says coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh later on. "Seriously, just avoid giving up your back altogether. In fact, if you can somehow keep your back pressed up against the cage - like, immediately, the second the referee says "go" - you should be able to stay out of trouble."

Jonathan, meanwhile, likes to sit out in the yard and commune with nature. Or stay away from humans. Who knows.

"Everyone in the house thinks they're in the UFC," he says, his tail twitching behind him. "But we're not. They are on Terra, which is what you homo sapiens call Earth."

It's almost fight time, but before then, we're treated to Georges St. What The Heck Is He Saying? talking about either a) new coaching methodologies; b) giraffes; c) gibberish and how it's an effective way of speaking. Either way, we get to see him dance around, gesticulate like a lunatic and maul English words like a rabid pitbull that chomps on Schoolhouse Rock cartoon characters. At this stage in the game, you can't hold it against the Canadian for subjecting us to his incoherent diatribes. You can only resent the SpikeTV execs for putting the man before the camera in the first place.

And then Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34 and Jonathan are in the Octagon mixing it up. Actually, they're not mixing up so much as they're re-enacting Jonathan's other TUF 12 bout with the Armenian Wonder. Takedown, back-control, rear naked choke, tap. Seriously, when it comes to falling for that submission, it has to be a genetic predisposition or something.

Next up, Banh Mi versus Spuds McKenzie - a match-up that pits a laid-back and kindly Vietnamese kid who used to sell Ecstasy against a weird dude who talks like he's mentally disabled. Spuds McKenzie has won 50 or so fights via guillotine (including one over Marky-Marc), so like with Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34, the advice just keeps rolling in.

"Don't let him guillotine you," says coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh to Banh Mi.

Banh Mi nods.

"Guillotine. Don't let him," says teammate Jethro Lentz.

Banh Mi nods.

"For 40 dollars, I can get you a lady who will let you guillotine her," says Andy My Main Man. "For 80, you can heelhook her."

Banh Mi wrinkles his brow, perhaps considering the offer.

Later, in the TUF House kitchen, Banh Mi and Spuds McKenzie are talking, cordially discussing things like how they usually fight and how they win.

"I usually win via guillotine," says Spuds McKenzie.

"Really?" says Banh Mi. "I think I might have heard something about that."

And bang, it's fight time again. Spuds McKenzie does not go for the guillotine, as at no time does Banh Mi duck his head and shoot for a takedown; instead, the taller fighter presses the Vietnamese kid against the fence and punishes him. Though widely renown as an inferior fighter, Spuds McKenzie takes the round. However, all those quick wins via submission did his cardio no favors, and he has nothing in his tank for Round 2. Banh Mi promptly punches him in the gut and TKOs him.

Afterwards, Spuds McKenzie is despondent about tasting loss for the first time in his career.

Coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh, though, is stoked. Like, ticker tape parade-level stoked. Like, jumping around the cage banging a tambourine-level stoked. In other words, he's happy.

Fade to black.
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  #38  
Old 11-12-2010, 05:21 PM
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I always look forward to these write ups.
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  #39  
Old 11-12-2010, 07:50 PM
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I must be some special kind of idiot for ignoring this thread for so long! Oh my goodness!
I've been sitting in my office laughing like a half-wit this afternoon. Or at least I WAS until the unfortunate York Peppermint Patty choking incident. (It burns! IT BURRRRRNS!!!)
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  #40  
Old 11-13-2010, 11:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Primadawn View Post
I must be some special kind of idiot for ignoring this thread for so long! Oh my goodness!
I've been sitting in my office laughing like a half-wit this afternoon. Or at least I WAS until the unfortunate York Peppermint Patty choking incident. (It burns! IT BURRRRRNS!!!)
Hahahahahahahaha

Did it feel like the top of a mountain was stuck in your throat?
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