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  #161  
Old 10-23-2009, 03:38 PM
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FISHING TRIP WITH JACK DANIELS

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.


Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth,
I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
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  #162  
Old 10-23-2009, 03:39 PM
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female
neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again,
opened it, slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than
ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"


My stupid computer keeps saying, " YOU'VE GOT MAIL! "


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  #163  
Old 10-23-2009, 03:40 PM
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Subject: Blonde Journal


January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels.....Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4
years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit
into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers
cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I
weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh"..... there's no "eleven" Button on the stupid
phone!!!
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  #164  
Old 10-23-2009, 03:54 PM
Mac
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neezar View Post
Subject: Blonde Journal


January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels.....Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4
years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit
into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers
cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I
weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh"..... there's no "eleven" Button on the stupid
phone!!!
What color is your hair ???????????

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  #165  
Old 10-23-2009, 03:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mac View Post
What color is your hair ???????????





My real color? I don't know anymore.
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  #166  
Old 10-26-2009, 06:12 AM
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What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing.Youve already told her twice
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  #167  
Old 10-26-2009, 06:30 AM
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Quote:
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4
years!"
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  #168  
Old 11-02-2009, 01:38 AM
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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men &women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do" FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get
a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.
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  #169  
Old 11-02-2009, 01:57 AM
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That is the best joke ever.
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  #170  
Old 11-02-2009, 02:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark View Post
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men &women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do" FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get
a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.
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