Forrest Griffin wants to know: "Are you a man?"
This is an excerpt from the intro to Forrest's book & it's hysterical. Anyone who subscribes to FIGHT! Magazine has already read this, but I felt like sharing here, too.
Originally Posted by Forrest Griffin (edited for language)
take this test before
reading my book.
All the really cool roller coasters of the world require you to be a certain height to experience their awesomeness. In no way is my book as cool as a roller coaster, but nevertheless, I have implemented a restriction for those of you who are attempting to read it. I don't give a crap about how tall you are or how much you weigh. I don't even care if you're into really weird crap like burning your nipples and stuff. All I care about is your manliness. I mean, how would it make me look if a bunch of sissies were reading my book in-between their pillow fights? Not too good, that's how. So before I fill that empty brain of yours with all sorts of smart things, I'm going to give you a test, much like the tests Cosmo gives to women. And shut the frack up about how I know such tests exist. It's called research, dumbarse. So anyway, instead of testing whether or not your lover is worthy, I'm going to test your testosterone levels. If you're a woman, I don't want to hear your sniveling. There are a lot of women out there who are manly, so you best sprout a hairy sac in a hurry. This book is about guy crap.
Now, if you score forty points or above on the test, feel free to walk tall, brother. You are indeed a real man, and I have no problem with you absorbing the knowledge on the coming pages. If you score between thirty & forty points, you've got some chest hair to grow. I'll still let you read my book, but it must be done in the privacy of your own home. If someone asks you if you read my book, you must say, "No, I tried, but it is far too manly for me to comprehend." If you score below twenty points, put my book down immediately & back away from it slowly. As a matter of fact, you might as well slip into a pair of panties, slap on some lipstick, & learn how to become a really bad driver, because there is no hope for you ever becoming a man. No one is watching you take this test, sister, so you won't be doing anyone any favors by cheating. Just so you know, chicks cheat on these kinds of tets all the time. When asked if their man's love-stick is large enough, they always check "no". Lying witches. The reason I bring this up is that a real man never follows in the footsteps of a woman, so if you cheat, you are not only unmanly, you are also going to Hell. Seriously.
- 1) You wake up one morning to find a really fat chick lying next to you in bed. How do you react?
- a) You somehow convince the Wooly-Mammoth to squeeze out your bedroom window so no one sees her leave, remove the wiry hair from between your teeth, & never tell a living soul about what you have done.
- b) Have her leave through the front door, but make up a bunch of excuses about how you were too drunk to get it up when your buddies start busting your balls.
- c) Take her out for breakfast & nod "what's up" to your friends when they give you funny looks. You don't go so far as to lick the syrup off her lips at the end of the meal, but you smile & treat her with respect.
- d) Thank her for taking your V-Card & nervously ask her for her phone number.
- e) Do not wake her up. Just leave your home & never come back.
- 2) Which do you shave more, your face or your genitals?
- a) Face.
- b) Genitals.
- c) Never shave either
- d) Shave both equally & at the same time.
- 1) Face & then balls.
- 2) Balls & then face.
- 3) How much does your favorite pair of jeans cost?
- a) $200 or more.
- b) Between $100 & $200.
- c) Between $50 & $100.
- d) Under $50.
- 4) Your friends take you out to an all-you-can-eat buffet for your thirteenth birthday, and then surprise you afterwards by taking you to Dollywood for a little bungee jumping. You're just a kid, so don't see how bungee jumping after an all-you-can-eat buffet can go terribly wrong. You think you might throw up, but instead you crap yourself. Remember, you're just a kid. How do you handle the situation. Seriously, I want to know.
- a) Jump in the nearest public pool.
- b) Pretend nothing has happened & go about your day.
- c) Go to the public rest room, remove your crap soaked boxers, & throw them in the trash can. Next, remove your socks, dampen them in the sink, and then clean up everything your boxers didn't catch. Once you're done, dispose of your socks. When you get home & your mother asks what happened to your socks, tell that nosey witch to mind her own business. Afterwards, go upstairs & cry yourself to sleep.
- 5) You go on a first date with a respectable, attractrive woman. How do you handle it?
- a) You pay for everything, open doors, and kiss her goodnight instead of trying to get into her pants.
- b) You tell her that she can order the most expensive thing on the menu and that you're picking up the check.
- 1) The most expensive thing on the menu is a $60 steak.
- 2) The most expensive thing on the menu is a Big Mac.
- c) You focus on how broke you are during the dinner conversation & talk her into paying the bill.
- d) The moment yuo pick her up, you ask for gas money.
- 6) You just got KTFOed. Joe Rogan comes over & asks you what happened. What do you say?
- a) You immediately begin making excuses. Tell everyone how your hand was hurt going in, your wife left you, you got the flu. Just rattle off every bull-hockey reason you can think of.
- b) You don't say anything because you are too busy crying.
- c) You say, "Everything was going good, and then I just got KTFOed."
- 7) In a raffle you recently won a gigantic douche-mobile, such as a Range Rover, Hummer, or some kind of lifted truck. What do you do with it?
- a) Go off-roading without worrying abuot scratching the paint or acquiring a few dents.
- b) Donate the piece of crap to charity.
- c) Trick it out by purchasing fancy rims that turns it into an on-road vehicle only.
- d) Use it to haul tools & lumber back & forth to work.
OK, so let's see how manly the MHF is. Simply respond with your answers, 1-7. If you pick d) for #2 or b) for #5, then you must also include which of the two options you would follow (e.g. d)2 & b)1). I will then post your score & PM you what Forrest has to say about your responses.