You know, I could sit here and listen to the bollox that people like you speak about me and Jens, and I could let it get to me. In the past I would have, I'd have been sitting here crying because of your meaness. But do you know something...The only reason why I'm unhappy is because I let people like you upset me.
I've learned a few things across this season of my life. I've learned that true contentment comes from within yourself...so does conflict, saddness, turmoil. For years I would blame other people, like you for making me feel this way. I would say that I couldnt help my reaction to shyte said deliberatly to make me feel bad. I'm well aware thats what it is, because of how you've taken his past losses and what you've said to me afterwards, so you can lie to youself, but you dont fool me one little bit.
Anyhooo, I was completely restrained by the flow of power in such circumstances, everyone was always so much better, and so much more valuable then myself. Therefore I was always wrong, and I let that upset me and dictate my worth to myself. I'd then need trusted individuals to pick me back up and convince me that I was alright before I could go on.
But do you know what? I'm human also. I was made in the image of GOD and even if you all hate me and want to harm and hurt me, GOD promises to love me. I have intrinsic value, and I refuse to play a victim anymore. I dont need to cling on to friends anymore, so I have self worth. I dont have to put myself out for edjits who dont really value me, and who are not going to treat me properly...to continue to do so is to disrepect myself as much as they do.
I will always be honnest and open, and will always be emotional, but I think i've just had another growth spurt in my own progression as a person. The final acknowledgement that I'm alright, that nothing anyone can say or do can upset me unless I permit it, that no matter what circumstances I find myself in, I always have a choice how to respond, and there is always hope. I am a unique individual, idiosyncratic and devoid of social lables and stereotypes, I treat everyone with the dignity and respect I feel they deserve, but I dont need them to exist, I dont need them anymore to be socially stable, to be content. I have no high expectations or wants from people beyond that which I feel duly entitled to.
I wasnt like this yesterday and I let what happened get to me and upset me, I wont allow this to continue anymore...niether will I chase after anyone who wants to mess me around. I am not a bloody poodle...and I am not a bloody victim.