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  #611  
Old 06-27-2012, 02:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Buc Nasty View Post
Making love to my wife is a bit like the state of English football. I rarely get to a semi.
Ouch.
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  #612  
Old 06-28-2012, 09:47 AM
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Just been stopped by the police because i was driving the wrong way down a one way street, the copper said

"Didn't you see the arrows?"

I said

"Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians."
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  #613  
Old 06-28-2012, 06:41 PM
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An officer pulled over a young guy for speeding. Upon getting to the car the cop said I have been waiting here all day for you. The kid in the car said well I got here as fast as I could
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  #614  
Old 07-07-2012, 09:42 AM
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Just got home and found a note on top of the TV from my girlfriend.
"Sorry, but I don't think this will ever work, I'm leaving."
So I plugged it in, switched it on and there's nothing wrong with it.

-------------------------------------------------------

What are the first 3 words in the Mexican cookbook?
Steal a chicken.

-------------------------------------------------------

There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk.
Up.
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  #615  
Old 07-07-2012, 05:32 PM
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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair
in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not

choke on his response;
I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot.
I was just wondering if you might be my kid."
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  #616  
Old 07-09-2012, 11:22 AM
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After Andy Murray's speech, my tearful girlfriend said to me, "Why cant you be more like HIM?".

"What", I said. "Be more sensitive and cry?"

"No", She said. "Come second".
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  #617  
Old 07-10-2012, 08:53 PM
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My dog's stomach wasn't feeling well, so I put him in the car & took him to the vet. On the way there, I hit a cat.

My animal rights activist girlfriend broke up with me after she caught me eating veal wrapped in pita bread.

I also got her pregnant on my sterile uncle's pull-out couch.
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  #618  
Old 07-11-2012, 05:56 AM
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I'm confused

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Originally Posted by VCURamFan View Post
My dog's stomach wasn't feeling well, so I put him in the car & took him to the vet. On the way there, I hit a cat.

My animal rights activist girlfriend broke up with me after she caught me eating veal wrapped in pita bread.

I also got her pregnant on my sterile uncle's pull-out couch.
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  #619  
Old 07-11-2012, 05:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Buc Nasty View Post
Just been stopped by the police because i was driving the wrong way down a one way street, the copper said

"Didn't you see the arrows?"

I said

"Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians."
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  #620  
Old 07-11-2012, 07:02 AM
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My wife and I were in the car, not speaking to each other for hours after a huge fight in the morning.
We passed by a farm, she saw a few pigs and asked me 'Hey, is that your family?'

'Yeah', I replied, 'in law...'

-----------------------------------------------

Women are always saying how men judge a girl based on looks. That's actually true.

Since all women are effing crazy you might as well go for the fit ones.
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