Joke Thread

[VCURamFan]

Originally Posted by Buc Nasty

Making love to my wife is a bit like the state of English football. I rarely get to a semi.

Ouch.

[Buc Nasty]

Just been stopped by the police because i was driving the wrong way down a one way street, the copper said

"Didn't you see the arrows?"

I said

"Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians."

[preach]

An officer pulled over a young guy for speeding. Upon getting to the car the cop said I have been waiting here all day for you. The kid in the car said well I got here as fast as I could

[Buc Nasty]

Just got home and found a note on top of the TV from my girlfriend.
"Sorry, but I don't think this will ever work, I'm leaving."
So I plugged it in, switched it on and there's nothing wrong with it.

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What are the first 3 words in the Mexican cookbook?
Steal a chicken.

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There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk.
Up.

[Neezar]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair
in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not

choke on his response;
I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot.
I was just wondering if you might be my kid."

[Buc Nasty]

After Andy Murray's speech, my tearful girlfriend said to me, "Why cant you be more like HIM?".

"What", I said. "Be more sensitive and cry?"

"No", She said. "Come second".

[VCURamFan]

My dog's stomach wasn't feeling well, so I put him in the car & took him to the vet. On the way there, I hit a cat.

My animal rights activist girlfriend broke up with me after she caught me eating veal wrapped in pita bread.

I also got her pregnant on my sterile uncle's pull-out couch.

[MattHughesRocks]

I'm confused

Originally Posted by VCURamFan

My dog's stomach wasn't feeling well, so I put him in the car & took him to the vet. On the way there, I hit a cat.

My animal rights activist girlfriend broke up with me after she caught me eating veal wrapped in pita bread.

I also got her pregnant on my sterile uncle's pull-out couch.

[MattHughesRocks]

Originally Posted by Buc Nasty

Just been stopped by the police because i was driving the wrong way down a one way street, the copper said

"Didn't you see the arrows?"

I said

"Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians."

[Buc Nasty]

My wife and I were in the car, not speaking to each other for hours after a huge fight in the morning.
We passed by a farm, she saw a few pigs and asked me 'Hey, is that your family?'

'Yeah', I replied, 'in law...'

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Women are always saying how men judge a girl based on looks. That's actually true.

Since all women are effing crazy you might as well go for the fit ones.