Joke Thread

[flo]

Originally Posted by MattHughesRocks

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

Well, you know what they say, stereotypes are based in truth...

[Buc Nasty]

What is it, American man-hating day or something?

So nobody is allowed to leave North Korea eh?
I'll get my wife a flight first thing tomorrow.

[flo]

Originally Posted by Buc Nasty

What is it, American man-hating day or something?

No, Buc, it's Global Man-Hating Day. Here are some more for your enjoyment.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

Make him wear shoes.


How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.


Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.


What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.


What's the smartest thing a man can say?

"My wife says...."

[County Mike]

I thought the female astronauts were there to nag and give the male astronauts a reason to go back home.

[Buc Nasty]

Originally Posted by County Mike

I thought the female astronauts were there to nag and give the male astronauts a reason to go back home.

Well we know that but....



My wife came in complaining that I never lift a finger around the house.

So I did.

The middle one.

[Buc Nasty]

I asked my jewish grandfather if I could borrow fifty quid.

"Forty quid?" he said...

''What do you need thirty quid for?"

[County Mike]

Originally Posted by Buc Nasty

I asked my jewish grandfather if I could borrow fifty quid.

"Forty quid?" he said...

''What do you need thirty quid for?"

I like that one. I need to start responding in similar fashion.

[VCURamFan]

A conversation between me & my iPhone:

VCU: *press voice dial button* Call "Dad"
Siri: Multiple matches
VCU:
Siri: Did you mean Matt Helms, Matt Hughes, Matt McDowell or Matt Painter?
VCU: No, "DAD"
Siri: Calling Matt Hughes.
VCU:

[Buc Nasty]

Me and my mate planned to go to a fancy dress party dressed as a pair of breasts.
He didn't turn up.

I looked like a right tit.
***********************
Porn has ruined my life.

My boiler has gone and I'm scared to call the plumber.

[preach]

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's nearly perfect.