Joke Thread

[Neezar]

Al & THE BLONDE:



Al
walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.


The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.



The blonde looked at Aland said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"

Al said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."


The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."


Al placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"




Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.


The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Al. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."




Al replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."


The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."


Al took the money.

[Neezar]

Subject: Fwd: The Proposal


A young girl came home from a date looking sad.



She told her mother, “Charles proposed to me a few minutes

ago.”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

“Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom, he

doesn’t believe there’s hell!”

Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of

us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

[Neezar]

> > While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
> condom all the time he is there.
> A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find
> his penis covered with bright purple spots.
> Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
> The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests
> and
> tells the man to return in two days for the results.
> The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad
> news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
> unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.."
> The man looks a little perplexed and says,
> "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
> The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to
> have to amputate your penis."
> The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"
> The doctor replies, "Well, that's your choice. Go ahead, if you want,
> but surgery is your only option."
> The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
> know more about the disease.
> The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian
> VD. Vewy ware disease."
> The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can
> we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
> The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
> "Stupid American docttah,always want opawate. Make more money dat
> way. No need amputate!"
> Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
> Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "Wait two week ... Faw off by itself!"

Originally Posted by Neezar

> > While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
> condom all the time he is there.
> A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find
> his penis covered with bright purple spots.
> Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
> The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests
> and
> tells the man to return in two days for the results.
> The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad
> news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
> unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.."
> The man looks a little perplexed and says,
> "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
> The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to
> have to amputate your penis."
> The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"
> The doctor replies, "Well, that's your choice. Go ahead, if you want,
> but surgery is your only option."
> The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
> know more about the disease.
> The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian
> VD. Vewy ware disease."
> The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can
> we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
> The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
> "Stupid American docttah,always want opawate. Make more money dat
> way. No need amputate!"
> Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
> Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "Wait two week ... Faw off by itself!"

reminds me of a great joke i heard on The Sopranos (told by Junior)

A man goes to his Chinese eye doctor because he is having trouble with his sight;
After a few minutes of looking him over the doctor says, "I know what the problem is, you have a cataract";
The man says "What are you talking about, I drive a Lincoln"

[Neezar]

New way to lose weight. I love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEH4Y...layer_embedded

[MattHughesRocks]

Originally Posted by Neezar

New way to lose weight. I love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEH4Y...layer_embedded

[flo]

Originally Posted by Neezar

New way to lose weight. I love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEH4Y...layer_embedded

Nice find, loved it!!

[Tyburn]

I was going to offer Georges Saint Pierre a sandwhich....


...But I just knew he wouldnt be able to finish it

[VCURamFan]

Originally Posted by Neezar

New way to lose weight. I love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEH4Y...layer_embedded

Hahahaha, love it!

[VCURamFan]

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?