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Old 10-14-2010, 09:28 PM
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Episode 5:

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Bad choices.* That's theme for this week's Ultimate Dudes Incarcerated in a House and Forced to Fight, and the theme manifests itself early and often.* Case in point: coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh, who is clearly stressing that his team has thus far lost three out of three meetings with the opposing Team Georges St. Pete.* "Our system works," he repeats, trying to convince us that his homeboys at American Kickboxing Academy have the secret to success and that if his wards would just follow the ten easy "mindless" steps they too would see victory.* But desperation breeds desperate decisions, and Josh Kosh B'Gosh brings in AKA mate Jon Fitch to work with everyone.

"I'm Jon Fitch," says Jon Fitch, with his disheveled hair showcasing this episode's first epic bad choice.* You see, it looks like passed out in a ravine the night before and woke up with a family of raccoons setting up a bed and breakfast in his bouffant.* Yup.* Tragic.

They all get their training on, and then we're back in the TUF House.* Uh-oh, trouble is a-brewing.* It seems Bruce Leroy has entered the prank stage a bit prematurely - too soon for anyone's liking because, hey, isn't the jizz-on-the-food stuff supposed to wait until week number 6?* Anyway, he pours bleach in the fabric softener, or dye in the detergent, or something else equally benign, and teammate Chris Rock on Steroids almost falls prey to the collateral damage.

"Everyone hates me," says Bruce Leroy with a smile, a knowing smile, for if he can generate enough negative emotion, then he can ensure himself a trip into the Octagon for reals regardless of if he wins or loses again on TUF (thanks Junie Browning!).

Back to the training center, where Georges St. Totally Does Not Talk Nor Display Personality manages to one-up prior bad choices with a doozy of a bad choice.** Remember how everyone was forced into the locker room with that convicted rapist last week?* Remember how no one got raped?* Well, that ain't too cool as far as coach Canada is concerned, so he brings in a drunk French Muay Thai stud named Jean-Claude Swarovsky to… to… what?* What benefit could a bunch of aspiring fighters sequestered for six weeks and forced to train and fight get from having to deal with a drunken French Muay Thai guy?* This is like the precursor to an episode of "Cops".

"He ees a ver-ee good Muay Thai fighter," says Georges St. Bad Choice.* "Pleeese show 'im respect."

Adds New Zealand jiu-jitsu sensation Jemaine Clement, "This could be the greatest experience of your life or the worst experience of your life.* We just don't know!* Also, don't look Jean-Claude Sikorsky in the eye, as he might take that as a threat.* And no sudden movements!"

Of course, what transpires next can best be described by the phrase "Man bullies children".* Or "Human squashes bugs".* Or "Poor judgment leads to drunkard beating on innocents".* There's a clip of Spuds McKenzie eating a knee to the gut and collapsing.* A clip of Bruce Leroy getting kicked in the afro.* A clip of Dr. Watson being doused with gasoline and lit ablaze by the Frenchman.* It would be funny but for all the senseless suffering.

Afterwards, the time for picking the next match-up is upon us, and as Georges St. Kill His Team is in control, the mean Canadian makes bad choice number whatever: Spencer the Page versus Banh Mi.* You see, a page is the first job a boy takes on the road to becoming a knight, but in between that job and the end goal is running a lot of errands and doing menial tasks, then becoming a squire and learning how to fight.* It's a three-stage process - and Spencer's still at the "hold on, sire, while I go get your chamber pot" stage.* In other words, Spencer the Page is in trouble.

Cut to Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh's training session, which is interrupted by a visit from none other than the amazingly punch-drunk Chuck Liddell.*** "Okay Dana, I'm ready to coach," says the Mohawked One to a nearby water cooler.* "But we have to do this quick, because I have to get back to 'Dancing with the Stars'."* Grabbing a broom, Liddell begins to tango.

At first everyone seems elated to see him, but that elation fades into discomfort, and soon they all slowly return to their workouts.* Liddell is none the wiser.

More training, and we see Ban Mi jogging around the TUFF House lawn.* Before coming to the Ultimate Fighter show Ban Mi was a student at the School of Visual Arts who dropped out to sell Ecstasy to club kids on weekends, and all that running - from nightclub to nightclub and dance floor to dance floor - has been a hard habit to break.

"Maybe I should train," says Spencer the Page from a lawnchair.* "Um, naah."* Again, bad choice.

And then it's fight time.* Things go well for Spencer the Page for the first half of Round 1, as he manages to land hard and heavy on his ever-approaching Vietnamese sandwich foe.* But countless evenings spent in front of blaring dance floor speakers and staring down cruel bouncers has made Ban Mi tough, and soon he has Spencer the Page on his back and is raining down strikes.* The round ends with Ban Mi cranking a kimura.*

"I think I don't know how to fight," says Spencer the Page to coach Georges St. Heartless in between rounds.* "I think I don't learn fighting techniques until the squire stage."

"Do not worr-ee about eet," says the welterweight champ, choosing to ignore his fighter's plight.

Round 2 commences and it's just more raw beating.* When the final bell sounds, it's clear Banh Mi has earned himself the decision and his team their first win.

Afterwards, Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh celebrates by pounding on the walls.* Another bad choice?* Well, the building doesn't come crashing down.* But we'll see…

Fade to black.
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  #22  
Old 10-15-2010, 11:31 AM
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Sounds pretty accurate to me.
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  #23  
Old 10-15-2010, 01:14 PM
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My favorite bit from this episode:

Quote:
Cut to Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh's training session, which is interrupted by a visit from none other than the amazingly punch-drunk Chuck Liddell.*** "Okay Dana, I'm ready to coach," says the Mohawked One to a nearby water cooler.* "But we have to do this quick, because I have to get back to 'Dancing with the Stars'."* Grabbing a broom, Liddell begins to tango.
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Old 10-15-2010, 03:01 PM
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Originally Posted by VCURamFan View Post
My favorite bit from this episode:
One of mine from a previous:

Quote:
Training time, and Team Canadian No Speak English brings in Frodo Baggins to show the kids a thing or two about fighting little people. Apparently, back in Middle Earth, Frodo is some kind of badass wrestler, and coach Georges St. Pierre wants his wards to know what it's like to face a Hobbit. Hijinks ensue. Dr. Watson is unable to cope with Frodo's giant hairy feet and tumbles to the mat. Spuds McKenzie gets blazed smoking Hobbit Leaf and falls asleep curled up in a corner. Bruce Leroy gets stuck in the doorway of a Hobbit hole, his bottom half jutting out comically from a hillside.
"Eet ees troo-ly ah-musing to see dem get beaten up," says Georges St. Pierre. I think.
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Old 10-15-2010, 03:13 PM
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Quote:
Adds New Zealand jiu-jitsu sensation Jemaine Clement, "This could be the greatest experience of your life or the worst experience of your life.* We just don't know!* Also, don't look Jean-Claude Sikorsky in the eye, as he might take that as a threat.* And no sudden movements!"

Of course, what transpires next can best be described by the phrase "Man bullies children".* Or "Human squashes bugs".* Or "Poor judgment leads to drunkard beating on innocents".* There's a clip of Spuds McKenzie eating a knee to the gut and collapsing.* A clip of Bruce Leroy getting kicked in the afro.* A clip of Dr. Watson being doused with gasoline and lit ablaze by the Frenchman.* It would be funny but for all the senseless suffering.
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Old 10-15-2010, 04:16 PM
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Quote:
Of course, what transpires next can best be described by the phrase "Man bullies children".* Or "Human squashes bugs".* Or "Poor judgment leads to drunkard beating on innocents".* There's a clip of Spuds McKenzie eating a knee to the gut and collapsing.* A clip of Bruce Leroy getting kicked in the afro.* A clip of Dr. Watson being doused with gasoline and lit ablaze by the Frenchman.* It would be funny but for all the senseless suffering.
That's pretty damn accurate.
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  #27  
Old 10-22-2010, 11:29 AM
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Where's the latest?
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  #28  
Old 10-22-2010, 01:12 PM
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Originally Posted by County Mike View Post
Where's the latest?
I dunno, I haven't seen it pop up in my Google Reader feed yet. Let me go do some hunting & see if I can find it.

EDIT: Ok, I checked on their website & it hasn't been posted. The guy who runs the site was live-blogging the Bellator event last night, so maybe he hasn't had time to post it yet . . .
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  #29  
Old 10-24-2010, 03:52 PM
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Finally got posted. Here is Episode 6:

Quote:
*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Thanks to the spirited performance of former School of Visual Arts student and Ecstasy dealer Banh Mi, Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh finally has a win to call their own, so they celebrate. There's champagne spraying everywhere, there's strippers, and at one point an assistant coach dons pagan robes and sacrifices a goat to Cthulhu. Is it excessive? Hey, anytime there's a sacrifice to Cthulhu and the sky is not torn open and giant tentacles do not emerge from the rift to lay waste to the Earth, well, I'd say hey, that's cool and no, it's not excessive. But some members of Team Georges St. What The Hell Is He Saying take great umbrage over it.

"Man, Josh Kosh B'Gosh and his team sucks," says Chris Rock on Steroids after being denied free healthcare in the locker room. "If this were Canada I'd be getting all the backrubs I want," he says, and it's then that we know he's gone completely over to the Canadian Side.

Back at the TUF House and Chris Rock on Steroids and his teammates are out back, barbecuing up some mope with a side of grilled glum. Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh is inside, still partying like it's 1999 (Banh Mi is dancing around wearing a raspberry beret - the kind you buy in a second-hand store). They're soon joined by their coaches, and together they go out to the deck to rub Team Canadia's face in their Satanic rituals and belief in Norse mythology.

"Man, you suck," says Chris Rock on Steroids to the opposing coach.

"Maybe I do," says Josh Kosh B'Gosh with a mischievous grin. "But at least I have personality and people can understand me when I talk."

"I'm a one-trick pony," interjects Spuds McKenzie, his low, plodding voice betraying either years of Oxycontin abuse or Down Syndrome. "I can do a guillotine."

Everyone stares at Spuds McKenzie blankly - even his own teammates. Eventually Josh Kosh B'Gosh nods his head and says "okay".

Thanks to Banh Mi, picking the next match-up is the responsibility of Josh Kosh B'Gosh. He chooses his best guy, Marky-Marc and the Funky Bunch, to face Spuds McKenzie. The two fighters square off for the staredown, and though Marky-Marc bears a confident smirk, his opponent bows his head and makes a face that looks like a combination of a grimace and a desperate need to use the toilet. When the staredown is over, Spuds McKenzie puts his finger to Josh Kosh B'Gosh's nose and implores him to smell it.

"Dude," says Josh Kosh B'Gosh.

And now it's time for a life lesson from Mr. Incomprehensible, Georges St. Huh? Today's topic: Christ, I don't know. Dealing with bullies? Absorbing insults? Given the welterweight champ's absolute disdain for speaking in a language American viewers can understand, it's difficult to say. But there's lots of "eets" and "ree-speck" and other mauled words in there, plus he gets up and gesticulates wildly. One has to wonder if the man actually understands himself.

Time for a little training montage and personal insight into the two competitors. Marky-Marc kicks a heavybag and mentions his love of K.D. Lang music; Spuds McKenzie says that he sucks at everything related to MMA but he knows that guillotine. As if to accentuate the obvious, Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh assistant coach Dave Chameleon instructs Marky-Marc to "avoid that guillotine. Avoid it. It."

Then it's fight time, and the Spuds McKenzie runs across the cage waving his arms and kicking his legs out like a bug having an epileptic seizure. Out of reflex Marky-Marc ducks his head and shoots in for the takedown - and Spuds McKenzie sinks in the guillotine. Marky-Marc is asleep before 20 seconds have elapsed.

Cageside, Josh Kosh B'Gosh looks stunned. He turns to the camera, stares, and says matter-of-factly, "my tummy hurts."

But wait, there's more.

As Spuds McKenzie and Marky-Marc's saga lasted only half an episode, there's time enough for another match-up.

On the Muppet Show everyone knew that Kermit the Frog was a frog, Miss Piggy was a pig, and the Swedish Chef was Swedish. But what the heck was Gonzo? According to later films (which are considered Muppet canon), Gonzo was some kind of alien. Well, this season of TUF has it's very own alien, a wrestler and jiu-jitsu guy named Jonathan with long blond hair, green skin, antlers, dreadlocks, scales and a tail.

As coach Georges St. Pierre now has the baton, he chooses his ward, Jonathan, to take on the Armenian Wonder.

Cue 30-second montage: Jonathan, meditating. Doing yoga. Picking flowers. Practicing calligraphy with a brush and a small bottle of ink. Meanwhile, the Armenian Wonder is smashing television sets with a baseball bat. Setting fire to a kennel. Going to expensive hotel rooms at the Bellagio and dumping a jar of bedbugs out onto the carpet.

And then they're fighting, and Jonathan - scales, antlers, green skin, tail and all - leaps onto the Armenian Wonder's back and chokes him out.

Boy, it sure does suck to be on Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh, eh?

The end.
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  #30  
Old 10-25-2010, 10:44 AM
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Perfect recap.
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