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Old 06-23-2010, 07:54 PM
BamaGrits84
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Default You Know What Makes Me So Mad?

Have all ever heard Earl Pitts on the radio? That where that title came from. Anyways, i was thinking you know how when someone passes we often hear people say "such and such won't have wanted that" or "do you think that is what such and such would want us to do"? Well I've decided it's over used. On November 15, 2009 I lost my sister to ARDS (look it up if you've never heard of it). She was 33 years old. I watched her everyday for 3 and a half weeks basically die. I litterally watched her dying. I saw a room full of people swarm her while a nurse practically sat on her pounding her chest. I had to tell a doctor from them to stop and just let her go. Now some of you may have dealt with similar situations and if you haven't I pray by the grace of God you never do. It was and continue to be the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. Well fast forward to current day. My brother-in-law is getting married on July just over 9 months after my sisters death. I'm not mad in the least bit but some other people have made comments about it. 1 I'm not mad because men tend to move on faster becasue they see the need to have a woman in the house to make a family whole. 2 a lot of stuff was going on between them that never once slowed him from being by her side ever time the icu dorrs opened. 3 the woman he is marrying is good to him & takes good care of my sister's 2 boys.

So I keep getting this "she (my sister) would have wanted"... what? me to be disrespectful to my brother-in-law and his wife to be to prove a point? Be rude to a woman that is good to my nephews? Show my butt like some white trash and beat her up in the yard? Althought knowing my sister well these are the things she might have done, it's not me. That's no how I am. I don't look at things like that. My thing is when someone passes why do people thing we have to continue to live as if they are here when they are not? They are gone. We are left to care for the children, or finances, or busniess, or whatever it may be that gets left behind. So doesn't it seem right that although we may not act in the manner the deceased would or even how they would want us to, we act in the manne that's best given the situation we are in? It's so easy for someone to say "well that's not what whoever would've want". When someone passes we should not be held captive in trying to make every decision based on how they would. No that's not fair. They are (hopefully) in a better place with eternal joy and we should be free to decide how to handle life without them as we see fit.
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Old 06-23-2010, 08:26 PM
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Originally Posted by BamaGrits84 View Post
Have all ever heard Earl Pitts on the radio? That where that title came from. Anyways, i was thinking you know how when someone passes we often hear people say "such and such won't have wanted that" or "do you think that is what such and such would want us to do"? Well I've decided it's over used. On November 15, 2009 I lost my sister to ARDS (look it up if you've never heard of it). She was 33 years old. I watched her everyday for 3 and a half weeks basically die. I litterally watched her dying. I saw a room full of people swarm her while a nurse practically sat on her pounding her chest. I had to tell a doctor from them to stop and just let her go. Now some of you may have dealt with similar situations and if you haven't I pray by the grace of God you never do. It was and continue to be the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. Well fast forward to current day. My brother-in-law is getting married on July just over 9 months after my sisters death. I'm not mad in the least bit but some other people have made comments about it. 1 I'm not mad because men tend to move on faster becasue they see the need to have a woman in the house to make a family whole. 2 a lot of stuff was going on between them that never once slowed him from being by her side ever time the icu dorrs opened. 3 the woman he is marrying is good to him & takes good care of my sister's 2 boys.

So I keep getting this "she (my sister) would have wanted"... what? me to be disrespectful to my brother-in-law and his wife to be to prove a point? Be rude to a woman that is good to my nephews? Show my butt like some white trash and beat her up in the yard? Althought knowing my sister well these are the things she might have done, it's not me. That's no how I am. I don't look at things like that. My thing is when someone passes why do people thing we have to continue to live as if they are here when they are not? They are gone. We are left to care for the children, or finances, or busniess, or whatever it may be that gets left behind. So doesn't it seem right that although we may not act in the manner the deceased would or even how they would want us to, we act in the manne that's best given the situation we are in? It's so easy for someone to say "well that's not what whoever would've want". When someone passes we should not be held captive in trying to make every decision based on how they would. No that's not fair. They are (hopefully) in a better place with eternal joy and we should be free to decide how to handle life without them as we see fit.
My thoughts are always along the lines of what would be best for those 2 boys. I don't care how it makes anyone else feel, those boys need someone to love them and if having this woman marry their father will help them heal and be emotionally whole after such a traumatic experience then that's what matters. Their mother is gone and if she was worth anything as a mom she would want her children to be loved and cared for.

I am divorced. My ex husband is dating a woman who is getting to know my kids. I want her to be a nice person and to be good to them. I don't get jealous of their relationship with her because them liking her means she is good to them and that's way more important than my feelings. I am also in a serious relationship with someone who I have been with for over a year now. My ex husband feels the same way about him as I do about his girlfriend. I know it's not the same but it's the closest parallel I have. Being a parent means you put aside anything you have to in order to make your kids healthy whether it is emotionally, spiritually, or physically healthy.

It sounds like there is a lot of prayer needed for your family. I'm sorry it's hurting you.

~Amy
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Old 06-23-2010, 08:40 PM
BamaGrits84
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Someone actually had the never to basically say me not throwing a fit over the wedding showed a lack of my love for my sister. It was very upsetting because I've been through hell over losing my sister. It was a slap in the face for someone to actually question my love for my sister regardless of why. I have to make calls all the time about how to handle things within out family and I do consider what my sister would do but I don't let it determine what I actually do. I have to decide what's best to do now that's she gone. Not what should be done were she still here.
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Old 06-23-2010, 08:41 PM
Miss Foxy
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Sorry to hear about this. I can understand why your mad. I will keep you and your family in my prayers..
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Old 06-27-2010, 05:21 AM
lyndsey823
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Originally Posted by BamaGrits84 View Post
Someone actually had the never to basically say me not throwing a fit over the wedding showed a lack of my love for my sister. It was very upsetting because I've been through hell over losing my sister. It was a slap in the face for someone to actually question my love for my sister regardless of why. I have to make calls all the time about how to handle things within out family and I do consider what my sister would do but I don't let it determine what I actually do. I have to decide what's best to do now that's she gone. Not what should be done were she still here.
The people that are questioning your love for your sister are the ones who really need to take a look at themselves. If your sister truly loved her husband, which I am gathering from what you've said she did, then she would want this for him and her 2 children. For her husband to have someone love him and take care of him like she would have, and for her children to be looked after and loved like she would have. No one can replace their mother, but it sounds as if this woman is making a great effort to help them along this hard journey.

No one walks in your shoes, only you know your love for you sister and in the end, that is all that matters. I'm a firm believer in the belief that I can only be mad at someone if they did something that directly affects me. If family is fighting, I refuse to choose sides. I can't dislike or disagree with someone or something just because the masses are doing it. You are doing what is best, being a supportive Aunt to those children and supporting a man who was someone your sister loved with her last breath. If it feels right in your heart, that is all that matters. People are always going to talk, it's up to you if you choose to listen.
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Old 06-27-2010, 05:30 AM
lyndsey823
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Originally Posted by TexasRN View Post
My thoughts are always along the lines of what would be best for those 2 boys. I don't care how it makes anyone else feel, those boys need someone to love them and if having this woman marry their father will help them heal and be emotionally whole after such a traumatic experience then that's what matters. Their mother is gone and if she was worth anything as a mom she would want her children to be loved and cared for.

I am divorced. My ex husband is dating a woman who is getting to know my kids. I want her to be a nice person and to be good to them. I don't get jealous of their relationship with her because them liking her means she is good to them and that's way more important than my feelings. I am also in a serious relationship with someone who I have been with for over a year now. My ex husband feels the same way about him as I do about his girlfriend. I know it's not the same but it's the closest parallel I have. Being a parent means you put aside anything you have to in order to make your kids healthy whether it is emotionally, spiritually, or physically healthy.

It sounds like there is a lot of prayer needed for your family. I'm sorry it's hurting you.

~Amy
Amy I am glad to hear that you and your ex are mature enough to realize what is best for you kids. Most divorced couples these days have no regard for the kids. Being the product of a broken home, I am very blessed that my parents have stayed best friends for over 20 years and my Dad accepts my half brother and sister as his own almost. He said that they are an extention of us, and he could never hate anything that came from the woman who gave him my brother and myself. They even call him Uncle John. My Dad just never wanted us to feel like we were different, like there was a division between us. There are no "half siblings" terms used around here, lol. The 4 of us kids go over to my Dad's on Christmas morning and other holidays and spend it with him. We just went over to his place after we took my stepdad to lunch for Father's Day. My Dad even says he has 4 kids lol. Most people think it's weird. I think it shows what an amazing man my father is. We call it our dysfunctional functional family, lol. It makes me happy when I can hear other families are dedicated to their children like you 2 are. Trust me, it helps your kids grow up a lot easier when your parents can be respectful and civil to each other. Divorce is hard enough on a child. From what I get from you though I wouldn't expect anything less. You're a great woman and sound like a wonderful mom!!!
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