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MattHughesRocks
01-24-2009, 05:22 AM
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing.You've already told her twice :laugh:


I never tire of that one

Bonnie
01-24-2009, 05:26 AM
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing.You've already told her twice :laugh:


I never tire of that one

Michelle, that was terrible. :blink:

Why couldn't it have been, "What do you tell a GUY..."?

Now, THAT, would have been funny! :laugh:

MattHughesRocks
01-24-2009, 05:40 AM
I just read it and laughed again Bonnie. It's funny! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

MattHughesRocks
01-24-2009, 05:40 AM
A married couple was
in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Bonnie
01-24-2009, 05:46 AM
:happy0198:

VCURamFan
01-24-2009, 07:41 AM
A married couple was
in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."Hahaha, now that's funny!!!!:laugh:

Josh
01-24-2009, 09:03 PM
A married couple was
in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
I love it!

matthughesfan21
01-24-2009, 09:06 PM
A married couple was
in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."hahaa awesome

matthughesfan21
01-24-2009, 09:10 PM
I got one sorta like Michelle's first.....


A trucker comes home from a long haul and when he gets to the kitchen his wife does not have dinner on the table. He asks her why she has not fixed him dinner and she replied that she didn't feel like it and she shouldn't be forced to do that...He then asked her "how would you like to not see me for three days?" She replied, "That would be wonderful"

The first day goes by and she doesn't see him, the second day she still does not see him...finally on the third day she can just barely see him out of her left eye

MattHughesRocks
01-24-2009, 09:19 PM
Yeah, start off blaming me right away:laugh:



I got one sorta like Michelle's first.....


A trucker comes home from a long haul and when he gets to the kitchen his wife does not have dinner on the table. He asks her why she has not fixed him dinner and she replied that she didn't feel like it and she shouldn't be forced to do that...He then asked her "how would you like to not see me for three days?" She replied, "That would be wonderful"

The first day goes by and she doesn't see him, the second day she still does not see him...finally on the third day she can just barely see him out of her left eye

MattHughesRocks
01-24-2009, 09:22 PM
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."


:laugh: :laugh: :happy0198:

matthughesfan21
01-24-2009, 09:34 PM
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."


:laugh: :laugh: :happy0198:occifer, please don't drunk me, i'm not arrested

matthughesfan21
01-24-2009, 09:40 PM
Yeah, start off blaming me right away:laugh:i didn't blame you, i just stated that my joke was along the lines of marital abuse as well....oh on that case


http://images.cafepress.com/image/10510023_125x125.jpg

and then

http://www.joshdeere.com/wpg/d/41-2/Dishes.jpg

MattHughesRocks
01-24-2009, 09:43 PM
Oh your going to do your daddy proud one day son :laugh:

matthughesfan21
01-24-2009, 09:45 PM
Oh your going to do your daddy proud one day son :laugh:
haha, you know i'd never do that..I'm just messing with you...you could be the exception though if you give me e-lip:punch: :rolleyes:

MattHughesRocks
01-26-2009, 06:43 AM
Legendarily naughty Little Johnny sat in class quietly as the students were composing a poem with their teacher. When she asked for an F-word that rhymed with "duck" he waved his hand feverishly.

The teacher frowned and passed him by. No kids, however, could offer her a solution. Finally she glared at Johnny and called on him.

Johnny put on his devlish grin and said, "An F-word that rhymes with duck is.... fluctuation."

The teacher blurted out, "No Johnny, that's sucks! I'm so sick of telling you what a little frigging asshole you are!"



:huh:





:laugh: :happy0198:

County Mike
01-26-2009, 12:52 PM
Oh your going to do your daddy proud one day son :laugh:

It's true. I am very proud of him. ;)

Here's an oldy but a goodie:

Teacher: Can anyone use the word "fascinate" in a sentence?

Little Johnny: My aunt has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.

jignpig
01-26-2009, 12:58 PM
what did the fish say when he swam into a wall?.....dam!

MattHughesRocks
02-04-2009, 04:59 AM
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes - caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you injured or disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Well, I was injured in Iraq but I'm not really disabled. An IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. Well, you've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day after that."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to come in until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that...."

Mac
02-04-2009, 05:05 AM
A baby seal walks into a club.

MattHughesRocks
02-04-2009, 05:30 AM
Haha :angry:
Hey Mac did you get my tunes today?


A baby seal walks into a club.

Mac
02-04-2009, 05:48 AM
Haha :angry:
Hey Mac did you get my tunes today?

No , just a little red circle with a line through it that said NO something. Your message sending abilities rival that of mayonaise ha ha ha. The pic of the bank thermometer was on my way back through town , 15 minutes before that it said 1 degrees but it was on the wrong side of the road to get the pic , so i dropped boone off at school and when i came back by it was up to 4, the highest it got today i think was 9 but the 20 and 30 mile an hour wind kept it feeling well bellow zero.

Boomer
02-04-2009, 05:53 AM
:laugh: Its funny because its true ....

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes - caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you injured or disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Well, I was injured in Iraq but I'm not really disabled. An IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. Well, you've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day after that."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to come in until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that...."

MattHughesRocks
02-04-2009, 06:05 AM
I thought of you when I saw this and posted :laugh:

MattHughesRocks
02-04-2009, 06:07 AM
I was driving to the bank today and flipping through the radio channels. I came across A Country Boy Can Survive and video tapped the radio and sent it to you and NateR. Did you see it was something you needed to "play"?


No , just a little red circle with a line through it that said NO something. Your message sending abilities rival that of mayonaise ha ha ha. The pic of the bank thermometer was on my way back through town , 15 minutes before that it said 1 degrees but it was on the wrong side of the road to get the pic , so i dropped boone off at school and when i came back by it was up to 4, the highest it got today i think was 9 but the 20 and 30 mile an hour wind kept it feeling well bellow zero.

Mac
02-04-2009, 06:13 AM
Nope , just said the file was to large , My phone is a pile of crap anyways. I always bust them within the first few weeks and then try to make them last for the next 2 years. This one made it a month before i had the face held together with tape.

MattHughesRocks
02-04-2009, 06:24 AM
Well then find the damned song your self :laugh:

Nope , just said the file was to large , My phone is a pile of crap anyways. I always bust them within the first few weeks and then try to make them last for the next 2 years. This one made it a month before i had the face held together with tape.

Mac
02-04-2009, 06:30 AM
Well then find the damned song your self :laugh:


LOL . Me and Nater were actually in the truck the otherday and My phone rang , We got on the subject of that song and he said something about not using it as a ringtone so he wouldnt get tired of it , I said , " Nate , at the age of 6 or 7 i use to walk up to the library and listen to it on the record player because i didnt have a copy of it my self , im not going to get tired of that song" ha ha ha . I imagine in all it is on 10 or 12 different cds i have , plus i have a dvd of different Hank music videos that has it on there. I could sing that song in my sleep, and probably the rest of his song list.:scared0015: :laugh:

MattHughesRocks
02-04-2009, 06:31 AM
Poor Becky!:scared0011:

:laugh:


LOL . Me and Nater were actually in the truck the otherday and My phone rang , We got on the subject of that song and he said something about not using it as a ringtone so he wouldnt get tired of it , I said , " Nate , at the age of 6 or 7 i use to walk up to the library and listen to it on the record player because i didnt have a copy of it my self , im not going to get tired of that song" ha ha ha . I imagine in all it is on 10 or 12 different cds i have , plus i have a dvd of different Hank music videos that has it on there. I could sing that song in my sleep, and probably the rest of his song list.:scared0015: :laugh:

Mac
02-04-2009, 06:31 AM
Ohh yeah , I got Nate on a snowmobile for the first time the other day . Boom got one for you to ready for next year!!!!

Mac
02-04-2009, 06:34 AM
Poor Becky!:scared0011:

:laugh:


Ehh she knew i was like this when she married me.


Any of my cousins or even my brothers , my mom , my aunts ,. pretty much any woman who has come into contact with a Frederick man , will always complain and say " Ehh thats the damned Frederick in you" My cousin says it best , he says something along the lines of " Hey , you all are the dumb ones , we were born into this , we didnt have a choice, your the idiots that CHOSE it " lmao

MattHughesRocks
02-04-2009, 06:36 AM
:laugh:


Ehh she knew i was like this when she married me.


Any of my cousins or even my brothers , my mom , my aunts ,. pretty much any woman who has come into contact with a Frederick man , will always complain and say " Ehh thats the damned Frederick in you" My cousin says it best , he says something along the lines of " Hey , you all are the dumb ones , we were born into this , we didnt have a choice, your the idiots that CHOSE it " lmao

MattHughesRocks
02-05-2009, 06:57 AM
An Obituary printed in the London Times........ Interesting and sadly very true.

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

Common Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility and his son, Reason.


He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;


I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim


Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
--

VCURamFan
02-05-2009, 07:39 AM
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

VCURamFan
02-05-2009, 07:47 AM
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance: A dog, a donkey, a shovel, a fish & a Star of David.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left. Now, look again: it says, "HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"

bradwright
02-07-2009, 04:27 PM
A woman stands in front of her bedroom mirror completely naked and doesn't like what she see's,feeling a little down she say's to her husband,'i'm fat,ugly,and old,i really need you to pay me a compliment right now'

her husband replies 'well your eye sight is damn near perfect'.

County Mike
02-19-2009, 03:47 PM
Stop me if you've heard this one.


A college student needs money for books. His friend suggests donating sperm for a quick $50. He goes to the clinic, fills out the forms and takes a seat in the waiting room.

He sees an attractive young lady and sparks up a conversation. Turns out she's also in college and needs money for books. She's donating blood and expects to receive $10. She asks him what he's doing. He's a little embarrased but confesses that he's donating sperm. She asks how much they pay and he tells her $50. She's impressed that he gets so much for sperm.

The guy gets called to make his donation. When he returns to the waiting room, the pretty blonde is gone.

A couple weeks later, he finds himself needing money again and returns to the clinic. He sees the same pretty blonde in the waiting room and asks her "Are you here to donate blood again so soon?".

She just keeps her mouth closed, shakes her head and replies "mmm mmm".

VCURamFan
02-19-2009, 05:28 PM
Stop me if you've heard this one.


A college student needs money for books. His friend suggests donating sperm for a quick $50. He goes to the clinic, fills out the forms and takes a seat in the waiting room.

He sees an attractive young lady and sparks up a conversation. Turns out she's also in college and needs money for books. She's donating blood and expects to receive $10. She asks him what he's doing. He's a little embarrased but confesses that he's donating sperm. She asks how much they pay and he tells her $50. She's impressed that he gets so much for sperm.

The guy gets called to make his donation. When he returns to the waiting room, the pretty blonde is gone.

A couple weeks later, he finds himself needing money again and returns to the clinic. He sees the same pretty blonde in the waiting room and asks her "Are you here to donate blood again so soon?".

She just keeps her mouth closed, shakes her head and replies "mmm mmm".

Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

internationalharvester
02-23-2009, 05:37 AM
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

Put your ad here!

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

And the kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and then he went on to become the Governor of Illinois.

MattHughesRocks
02-23-2009, 05:43 AM
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

VCURamFan
02-23-2009, 07:59 AM
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

Put your ad here!

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

And the kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and then he went on to become the Governor of Illinois.:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

MattHughesRocks
02-25-2009, 07:02 AM
Never underestimate an Alabama Redneck.


A Redneck from Pohickey, Alabama walked into a bank in New
York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan
officer that he was going to Paris on an
international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to
borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.


The bank officer told him that the bank would need some
form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over
the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street
in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and
everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the
car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all
enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using
a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000
and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir,
we are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn
& Bradstreet and found that you are a highly
sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate
and financial interests all over the world. What puzzles us
is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The good 'ole Alabama boy replied, 'Where else in
New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only
$23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

His name was BUBBA...

VCURamFan
02-25-2009, 07:28 AM
Never underestimate an Alabama Redneck.


A Redneck from Pohickey, Alabama walked into a bank in New
York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan
officer that he was going to Paris on an
international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to
borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.


The bank officer told him that the bank would need some
form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over
the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street
in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and
everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the
car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all
enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using
a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000
and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir,
we are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn
& Bradstreet and found that you are a highly
sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate
and financial interests all over the world. What puzzles us
is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The good 'ole Alabama boy replied, 'Where else in
New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only
$23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

His name was BUBBA...WAR BUBBA!!!

Llamafighter
02-25-2009, 01:29 PM
Never underestimate an Alabama Redneck.


A Redneck from Pohickey, Alabama walked into a bank in New
York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan
officer that he was going to Paris on an
international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to
borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.


The bank officer told him that the bank would need some
form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over
the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street
in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and
everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the
car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all
enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using
a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000
and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir,
we are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn
& Bradstreet and found that you are a highly
sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate
and financial interests all over the world. What puzzles us
is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The good 'ole Alabama boy replied, 'Where else in
New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only
$23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

His name was BUBBA...

HAHAHAHA! AWESOME!!!

Mac
02-26-2009, 12:48 AM
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump
out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See,
by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

MattHughesRocks
03-03-2009, 05:51 AM
Resimay


To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond
to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.













http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e292/skysrock/Brainspellcheck.jpg








Dear Bryan,

It's ok honey, we've got spell check.

See you Monday.

Bonnie
03-03-2009, 06:42 AM
Resimay


To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond
to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.













http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e292/skysrock/Brainspellcheck.jpg








Dear Bryan,

It's ok honey, we've got spell check.

See you Monday.

Michelle, something seems to be wrong with "my picture"...I'm only seeing half of him. :Whistle:

MattHughesRocks
03-03-2009, 07:04 AM
I'm keeping that half for myself ;0

:laugh:



Michelle, something seems to be wrong with "my picture"...I'm only seeing half of him. :Whistle:

VCURamFan
03-03-2009, 07:15 AM
I'm keeping that half for myself ;0

:laugh:Man, Goat's gonna be pissed that you put his picture out where Dave can find it!!:ninja:

Ricky
03-08-2009, 04:57 PM
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

TheConcretekid
03-10-2009, 05:52 PM
An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Colombian village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large Yellow Fin Tuna. The American complimented the Colombian on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Colombian replied, "Only a little while."

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish.

The Colombian said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Colombian fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats; eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Bogota, then LA and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Colombian fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15 - 20 years."

"But what then?" asked the Colombian.

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions!"

"Millions - then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

MattHughesRocks
03-10-2009, 08:59 PM
What I Want In A Man!
§ Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover


§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week





§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car...J
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends








§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5.. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends








§
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8.. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend








§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

County Mike
03-10-2009, 09:11 PM
Damn! That guy in your "I want" list seems way older than the woman wanting him. "Good enough shape to stand up by himself" at the age of 62? Sounds more like 82 or 92 to me.

Preach
03-10-2009, 10:10 PM
Serra

MattHughesRocks
03-10-2009, 10:20 PM
Well, it's not really "my" list I just copied and pasted from an email :laugh: "My" list would end at the age 52 mark O think. Anything after that forget it, I'd rather stay single :laugh:


Damn! That guy in your "I want" list seems way older than the woman wanting him. "Good enough shape to stand up by himself" at the age of 62? Sounds more like 82 or 92 to me.

Bonnie
03-10-2009, 11:01 PM
Well, it's not really "my" list I just copied and pasted from an email :laugh: "My" list would end at the age 52 mark O think. Anything after that forget it, I'd rather stay single :laugh:

It's a crap shoot for sure! :laugh:

My philosophy is there are worse things than being single! :wink:

MattHughesRocks
03-10-2009, 11:28 PM
Like being stuck with some boring old man that you werent attracted to . I'd rather die :w00t:
:laugh:


It's a crap shoot for sure! :laugh:

My philosophy is there are worse things than being single! :wink:

bradwright
03-11-2009, 12:07 AM
Like being stuck with some boring old man that you werent attracted to . I'd rather die :w00t:
:laugh:
well if you really do look like Forrest then i dont see where you have a lot of options anyway.:laugh:

MattHughesRocks
03-11-2009, 12:14 AM
HEY! Forrest is hot! :w00t:


well if you really do look like Forrest then i dont see where you have a lot of options anyway.:laugh:

bradwright
03-11-2009, 12:15 AM
HEY! Forrest is hot! :w00t:
too you maybe,(ugh)

MattHughesRocks
03-11-2009, 12:17 AM
HEY! Don't say that! I love him! :angry:


too you maybe,(ugh)

Primadawn
03-11-2009, 03:20 AM
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

MattHughesRocks
03-11-2009, 03:29 AM
http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t282/supitssyd/1551046175_l.jpg
I'd hit it.


:laugh: i get it now,this is the joke thread,:laugh:
right?:) some times it takes me a while to catch on,:)
Michelle,:unsure-1: your just joking,Right?:huh:






(UGH)

Primadawn
03-11-2009, 03:32 AM
http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t282/supitssyd/1551046175_l.jpg
I'd hit it.

Smack it up, flip it...rub it down...:laugh:

Bonnie
03-11-2009, 08:15 AM
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

:laugh:

Bonnie
03-11-2009, 08:20 AM
http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t282/supitssyd/1551046175_l.jpg
I'd hit it.

You posted the perfect picture of him, Michelle. It captured that "little boy" self-deprecating look that just "does it"! :wink:

I don't think the men "get it", but the women sure do! :laugh:

Primadawn
03-13-2009, 07:42 PM
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad
news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into
the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't
well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually
approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to
what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end,
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a
hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and
whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and
you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do
that?'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In
Order.'

County Mike
03-13-2009, 07:58 PM
THAT was a good one!

Chuck
03-14-2009, 05:30 AM
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

I think I'd make an excellent stamp collector... :wink:

mikthehick
03-14-2009, 05:38 AM
Dawn you had some great jokes there :)

And what an adorable picture of Forrest!

Moose
03-14-2009, 05:40 AM
So a woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre, so I gave it to her.

Bonnie
03-14-2009, 06:41 AM
I think I'd make an excellent stamp collector... :wink:

You guys make it sooo hard to be good on this forum. :laugh:

MattHughesRocks
04-04-2009, 07:43 AM
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

:laugh:

Bonnie
04-05-2009, 01:15 AM
Maybe she should have rolled him over with his face in the pillow while he was still in the coma....to help end his "bad" luck. :unsure-1:

:laugh:

Chuck
04-05-2009, 01:39 AM
You guys make it sooo hard to be good on this forum. :laugh:

Well posts like that don't help any that's for sure!!!! :tongue0011:

Miss Foxy
04-14-2009, 04:04 PM
California when.....
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2.The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3.The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4.You know how to eat an artichoke.
5.You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6.Someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is...
New York when......
1. You say the "city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.
3. You can get into a 4hr argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4.You think Central Park is nature.
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
Alaska when......
1. You have only 4 spices salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than 1 recipe for Moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than 8 buttons.
5. The 4 seasons are winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
Deep South when.....
1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya"ll" is plural.
3. After 15yrs you still hear , "you aint from around here, are ya?"
4."He needed killin" is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names.
Midwest when.....
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from heat to AC in the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place you say "it was different!"

mikthehick
04-14-2009, 04:42 PM
You know you are from Virginia/North Carolina when
1. 50 degrees is considered a 'bit chilly'
2. BBQ is made pulled and is the BEST BBQ ever made, no matter what those people from Texas say
3. You know what a pig pickin' is, you've been to a few in your life, AND you want to have one at your wedding.
4. You know that there are over 300 uses for peanuts and a corn field or a pasture full of cows is nothing new.
5. You can run to the Walmart to pick up something and run into people who have mullets from the 80s, as well as tourists who aren't sure just where they are.
6. You know all the backroads like the back of your hand, and you know 15 ways to get to the same destination (THIS IS MY SPECIALTY!!!)

J.B.
04-14-2009, 04:42 PM
So a woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre, so I gave it to her.

Oooh Moose, your sexual innuendo is priceless.
http://www.popgoesthelibrary.com/uploaded_images/mooninites-776380.jpg

mikthehick
04-14-2009, 04:58 PM
The full version


This is for ya'll North Carolinians at heart...

You know you're from NC if:

1. You've gotten used to the smell of cow manure on a car trip to Raleigh.

2. Saying "y'all" isn't just a cute expression; it actually means something.

3. There are big labrador retrievers in the back of every truck.

4. You give directions using KFC and Waffle House as landmarks.

5. You still see Dale Earnhardt tributes on cars.

6. You can't imagine life without Bojangles' sweet tea.

7. Your annual church fundraiser always deals with BBQ and potato salad.

8. You have a sunburn from May to October.

9. Your 'heavy winter clothing' consists of some turtleneck sweaters, a fuzzy jacket, and your daddy's boots.

10. Your family has fried chicken once a week.

11. You can tell the difference between cotton fields and tobacco fields while driving.

12. One of your neighbors has a confederate flag hanging on their front porch.

13. Those "damn yankees" are taking over your school/church/workplace/neighborhood...

14. You've been "properly raised", and yankees love it when they hear you say "ma'am" and "sir".

15. You get your carbs from biscuits, rolls, pancakes, and grits.

16. You know the difference between a "redneck" and a "hick".

17. You own at least one t-shirt from Bert's Surf Shop, AB Surf Shop, or The Sanitary Fishmarket.

18. No matter what those people in Ohio say, we are still "first in flight".

19. The Coca-Cola 600 is as big as the Super Bowl.

20. You prefer Chick-fil-a to KFC.

21. You know pastry is a chicken stew, not a dessert item.

22. Every time you visit someone you’re offered something to eat and a glass of tea.

23. Your granddaddy always wore overalls and your grandma always wore an apron.

24. In summer you have home-grown tomatoes with every meal.

25 When it rains and the creek rises, everyone gathers to see how high it rose.

26. You know that "chunk" the ball means to throw it.

27. You've had a burger "all the way" - chili and slaw on it.

28. You can recognize a copperhead and your heart drops when you see one.

29. You have at least one relative that raises collards.

30. You know Krispy Kreme makes the best doughnut.

31. You have an opinion about UNC. You went there and loved it, or you hate everyone who did.

32. You know the difference between eastern BBQ and western BBQ (see number 85).

33. You would rather eat at Bojangles than McDonald's.

34. You have actually uttered the phrase "It's too hot to go to the pool".

35. You faithfully drink Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Sundrop or Cheerwine everyday of your life.

36. You have your own secret BBQ sauce.

37. You or your neighbors have more hunting dogs than you have family members.

38. You know Pepsi originated in New Bern, Cheerwine in Salisbury, Mountain Dew in Lumberton, and Sundrop in Gastonia.

39. You know Coke tastes better in the little bottles and that peanuts make Coke taste even better.

40. Your folks have taken trips to the mountains to look at leaves.

41. Your school took a field trip to the State Fair in Raleigh.

42. You would elect Richard Petty or Ric Flair for governor if either ever ran.

43. You watched as Dale Earnhardt was the only man who ever lived who could go 200 mph, spin somebody out, call them a you-know-what, and win the race, all in the last lap.

44. You skipped school or work to go to Dale Earnhardt’s memorial service.

45. A tobaggan to you means a knit cap, not a sled.

46. You sold Krispy Kreme doughnuts for a school or church fundraiser before those glazed doughnuts went global.

47. When you're traveling out of state, people ask if you're from Mayberry.

48. You remember watching the ACC Tournament on television at school.

49. The local newspaper covers state, national and international news in one page, but sports requires six pages.

50. Most men in town consider the first day of deer season a national holiday.

51. Fifty degrees Fahrenheit is “a little chilly."

52. You have no problem spelling or pronouncing “Conetoe", “Topsail", or “Beaufort."

53. You know it’s pronounced APPALACHIAN and not “App-a-lay-shun."

54. Your school classes were cancelled because of cold.

55. Your school classes were cancelled because of a chance of snow.

56. Your school classes were cancelled because of heat.

57. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waitin’ to pass a tractor on the highway.

58. Your school classes were cancelled because of a hurricane.

59. Your school classes were cancelled because of hunting season.

60. Your school classes were cancelled because of a livestock show.

61. You’ve ridden the school bus for an hour...each way.

62. You know more about ACC basketball than professional basketball.

63. You know the Carolina League is the greatest baseball league in the country.

63. You know that "Carolina" refers to UNC-Chapel Hill, while "State" refers to NC State.

64. You think South Carolina was dead weight well shed.

65. You know tea is served sweet unless you specifically ask for unsweetened.

66. You’ve ever had to switch from “Heat" to “A/C" in the same day.

67. You think ethanol makes your truck run a lot better.

68. Stores don’t have bags...they have sacks and are called Piggly Wigglys.

69. You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals.

70. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

71. Most of the festivals around the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, tobacco, or seafood: Seafood Festival (Morehead), Mullet festival (Swansboro)...

72. Priming was your first job...and you know what it means.

73. Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and comes with cole slaw on top.

74. You say catty-wampus, yunto, ill-ass and ah-ite.

75. You know the difference between a deer dog, a bear dog and a coon dog by the way they bark.

76. You put security lights on your house and your garage and leave both of them unlocked.

77. Your four seasons are almost summer, summer, still summer, and highway construction.

78. You can tell if another North Carolinian is from Eastern or Western North Carolina as soon as he opens his mouth.

79. You can spell words such as Ocracoke, Fuquay-Varina and Chocowinity.

80. When asked how your trip to any foreign, exotic place was you say, “It was different."

81. Hyde County is considered a foreign or exotic place.

82. In the Piedmont, you see all the grown-ups go out and play in the snow.

83. Schools and churches hold barbecue fundraisers with banana puddin’ as the dessert.

84. After church you either stay for the barbeque lunch or the pig pickin'.

85. You know that barbeque is a food, not an occasion, and it applies to pork, not hamburgers or hotdogs. You also know that the best of any version, whether chopped or pulled, vinegar or tomato, can be found somewhere in NC.

86. You know what a "pig pickin" is and you can't wait to go.

87. You consider being a “Pork Queen" an honor.

88. You carry jumper cables in your car.

89. You know what “cow tipping" is.

90. You've driven with "Carolina Hurricanes" flags on your car because WE WON THE STANLEY CUP!!

91. You dip.

92. You've seen One Tree Hill and/or Dawson's Creek being filmed in Wilmington.

93. Pop refers a lot of things, not including soda.

94. You learned ALL about The Lost Colony in 4th grade...(and you know where Blackbeard's treasure really is ; )

95. You listen to beach music and you can shag.

96. You can pay the mechanic who worked on your truck with a quart of moonshine in return.

97. Your school was declared a "Tobacco Free Zone", but there are tobacco fields right outside.

98. You constantly see signs for tractor pulls and turkey shoots while driving through eastern NC.

99. You mash buttons and eat creamed potatoes.

100. You show this to some Carolina friends ‘cuz ya know it’s true, darlin'!

County Mike
04-14-2009, 05:44 PM
I like North Carolina. Maybe I'll move there someday.

Bonnie
04-14-2009, 06:15 PM
You know you are from Virginia/North Carolina when
1. 50 degrees is considered a 'bit chilly'
2. BBQ is made pulled and is the BEST BBQ ever made, no matter what those people from Texas say
3. You know what a pig pickin' is, you've been to a few in your life, AND you want to have one at your wedding.
4. You know that there are over 300 uses for peanuts and a corn field or a pasture full of cows is nothing new.
5. You can run to the Walmart to pick up something and run into people who have mullets from the 80s, as well as tourists who aren't sure just where they are.
6. You know all the backroads like the back of your hand, and you know 15 ways to get to the same destination (THIS IS MY SPECIALTY!!!)

I say, I say, that's blasphemy, woman, blashphemy! :laugh:

Primadawn
04-14-2009, 08:08 PM
I match the southern AND the midwestern one! :laugh:

mikthehick
04-14-2009, 08:54 PM
I say, I say, that's blasphemy, woman, blashphemy! :laugh:

oops, looks like ya made an error :wink:

TexasRN
04-15-2009, 01:11 AM
I say, I say, that's blasphemy, woman, blashphemy! :laugh:


I haven't tried NC BBQ yet so I can't give an opinion on that. I guess I need to try it. But what if I like it? What if it *is* better? :unsure:


~Amy

mikthehick
04-15-2009, 03:07 AM
I haven't tried NC BBQ yet so I can't give an opinion on that. I guess I need to try it. But what if I like it? What if it *is* better? :unsure:


~Amy


It is ;) Trust me. Brisquet is good, but doesn't at all compare to NC BBQ. Amy, do you have a Smithfield's around where you live? They are a fast food place that specializes in BBq.

MattHughesRocks
04-18-2009, 07:37 AM
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot." :laugh:


Yes folks, I'm going to be here all night!:w00t:

MattHughesRocks
04-18-2009, 07:39 AM
Legendarily naughty Little Johnny sat in class quietly as the students were composing a poem with their teacher. When she asked for an F-word that rhymed with "duck" he waved his hand feverishly.

The teacher frowned and passed him by. No kids, however, could offer her a solution. Finally she glared at Johnny and called on him.

Johnny put on his devlish grin and said, "An F-word that rhymes with duck is.... fluctuation."

The teacher blurted out, "No Johnny, that's sucks! I'm so sick of telling you what a little frigging asshole you are!" :w00t:

Bonnie
04-19-2009, 08:19 PM
I haven't tried NC BBQ yet so I can't give an opinion on that. I guess I need to try it. But what if I like it? What if it *is* better? :unsure:


~Amy

:blink:

Well, if that should happen, I guess we'll be meeting somewhere other than Texas after your *WANTED* poster goes up in the post office. It's either that or a burka over your head. :laugh:

TexasRN
04-19-2009, 10:13 PM
:blink:

Well, if that should happen, I guess we'll be meeting somewhere other than Texas after your *WANTED* poster goes up in the post office. It's either that or a burka over your head. :laugh:


Texas will still love me, I'm kind of awesome that way. :biggrin-1:


~Amy

MattHughesRocks
04-30-2009, 11:41 PM
WHO IS JACK SCHITT

For some time many of us have wondered, just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

MattHughesRocks
04-30-2009, 11:46 PM
A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asks the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."

MattHughesRocks
04-30-2009, 11:50 PM
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Tyburn
05-03-2009, 03:29 PM
Farmer: "Isnt it wonderful how the little chicks get out of their shells?"
Visitor from the City " Indeed, But what gets me is how they get in theor in the first place..."

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Tyburn
05-03-2009, 03:39 PM
Funnies from Religious Education Exam papers

"Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unlevened bread, which is bread without any ingredients"

"The seventh Commandment is Thou Shalt not Admit Adultory"

"Solomon, one of Davids Sons had 300 wives and 700 porcupines"

"It was a mircale when Jesus rose from the dead, and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance"

"The people who followed the Lord were called "The Twelve Decibels""

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

MattHughesRocks
05-15-2009, 04:38 AM
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing.Youve already told her twice :laugh: :happy0198:

(oh shut up)

Bonnie
05-15-2009, 04:54 AM
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing.Youve already told her twice :laugh: :happy0198:

(oh shut up)

Hmmm, why does this joke sound soooo familiar... :laugh:

MattHughesRocks
05-15-2009, 05:01 AM
It's the best one ever and I post it every few weeks?:unsure-1:

Naaaah! :laugh:

Hmmm, why does this joke sound soooo familiar... :laugh:

MattHughesRocks
05-27-2009, 06:21 AM
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?" The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment." :w00t:

MattHughesRocks
05-27-2009, 06:22 AM
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."
Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit."
"I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve been complaining ever since you got here."

MattHughesRocks
05-27-2009, 06:23 AM
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale."
Intrigued, he walks in.
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.
"I’ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"
The owner says, "Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!"

County Mike
05-27-2009, 01:45 PM
I like that one.

MattHughesRocks
05-27-2009, 04:42 PM
The dog one? I still LOL when I read it :laugh:


I like that one.

MattHughesRocks
06-07-2009, 06:21 AM
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head...

In a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me
in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over
there anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges
for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the
Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several
natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could
possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that
I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge'?

Primadawn
06-07-2009, 01:16 PM
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Mac
06-09-2009, 05:21 AM
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent , who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent ,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.


That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

Mac
06-09-2009, 05:26 AM
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because of his obnoxiously loud snoring. So, they decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?” He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I didn’t sleep a wink, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next morning, after another guy took his turn with Bob, the end result was the same… came to breakfast, hair all standing up, eyes bloodshot and no sleep….

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, 'Man, that Bob snores so loud I swear I saw the roof shaking… I couldn’t sleep and sat up watching him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned muscular older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning when Fred show’d up for breakfast, he was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, whistling a tune and said, "Good morning! Everybody, how’d ya’ll sleep last night?!!"

Everyone was shocked, it got so quiet you could've heard a pin drop, no one could believe it and finally one guy speaks up and says, “Hey Man, what happened?"

Fred replied, "Well, when Bob and I got ready for bed, I went over, tucked Bob in, kissed him good night, patted him on the butt and said sleep well Partner... and ol’ Bob sat up and watched ME all night…."

Mac
06-09-2009, 05:26 AM
Top 10 reasons a gun is
favored over a woman....

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when
you're on the road.

# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.

# 7 Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'

# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

MattHughesRocks
06-09-2009, 05:44 AM
:laugh:

County Mike
06-09-2009, 12:46 PM
I'm getting a gun!

Primadawn
06-09-2009, 02:50 PM
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy
felt
she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at
the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb
felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a
deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky
is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we
are married.'

She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant
size
winky.'

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,
teasing, and holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out
of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is .... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long.'

MattHughesRocks
06-09-2009, 03:16 PM
FAIL!

:happy0198:



Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy
felt
she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at
the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb
felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a
deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky
is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we
are married.'

She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant
size
winky.'

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,
teasing, and holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out
of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is .... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long.'

Neezar
06-21-2009, 04:49 AM
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.


.
.The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife








Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show












PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Neezar
06-21-2009, 04:52 AM
OldTimer Sex


This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!




The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind this very village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you..'





Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'



OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'



Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'



A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.



The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.



The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..



Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.



Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.



The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.



After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.



So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'



Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Neezar
06-28-2009, 08:53 PM
What do Kermit The Frog and John The Baptist have in common?















- Their middle name.

VCURamFan
06-28-2009, 09:12 PM
Rejected Children's Book titles:

1. Juggling Knives is Easy
2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven
3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want
5. "Whatcha' Doin'" the Wonderful Phrase
6. 101 Games to Play in the Road
7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher
8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork
9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games
10. Arthur Gets Hunted
11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
12. Monsters Killed Grandpa
13. The hit sequel to "Elvis is your real dad" Mrs.Clause is your real Mom
14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul
15. All Guns Squirt Water
16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
20. 101 recipies to make with Dog
21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree
22. The New Boy is Bad
23. Your Nightmares are real
24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs
25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis
26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender
27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious.....
28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption
29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower
31. Grampa Gets A Casket
32. Dad's New Wife Robert
33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator

My favorites are 9, 16, 18, 19, 28 & 32! :laugh:

surveyorshawn
07-15-2009, 08:46 PM
Did you hear about the blond who heard that 90% of all accidents happen within one mile of the home?........She moved

Llamafighter
07-15-2009, 09:09 PM
Did you hear about the blond who heard that 90% of all accidents happen within one mile of the home?........She moved

:laugh: :laugh:

VCURamFan
07-16-2009, 05:20 AM
Did you hear about the blond who heard that 90% of all accidents happen within one mile of the home?........She movedMichelle does tend to re-locate a lot...:Whistle:

MattHughesRocks
07-16-2009, 05:51 AM
Twice a year or so...can't be too safe :laugh:

Michelle does tend to re-locate a lot...:Whistle:

VCURamFan
07-16-2009, 07:02 AM
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise?"

The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!

mikthehick
07-16-2009, 07:21 PM
Engineering Jokes! :laugh: (I work with them)


Top 25 Engineering Terms and Expressions (What they say and what they really
mean)

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)

Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)

The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)

We're trying a number of different approaches. (We still guessing, at this point.)

We're following the standard. (We've always done it this way.)

Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)

Years of development. (It finally worked.)

Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)

We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)

We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)

We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)

Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)

Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)

Please read and initial. (We want to spread around the responsibility.)

Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)

Tell us your interpretation. (Let's hear your bull.)

We'll look into it. (Forget it! We've got so many other problems already, we'll never get to it.)

No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)

Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're no likely able to fix it.)

All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)

Robust. (More than rugged.)

Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)

Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

I haven't gotten your email. (It's been days since I've checked my email.)
What was that again? Humor and Jokes
# To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


# A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]

"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


# There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

# What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

# Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

# An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

MattHughesRocks
08-10-2009, 03:26 PM
Believe it or not ,
These are Memphis , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Call er: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: & nbsp; No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is............

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

MattHughesRocks
08-17-2009, 07:19 AM
Q: How many blonde jokes are there?

A: One. The rest are all true stories.

Bonnie
08-17-2009, 08:32 AM
Believe it or not ,
These are Memphis , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!

And the winner is............

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

:laugh:

On the news the other day they showed a 911 call from a lady (unfortunately from Texas) who called because she asked for extra shrimp in her fried rice and the guy didn't put her any extra! :rolleyes:

Bonnie
08-17-2009, 08:37 AM
Q: How many blonde jokes are there?

A: One. The rest are all true stories.

Do tell Blondie...:Whistle:

:laugh:

VCURamFan
08-17-2009, 01:58 PM
Believe it or not ,
These are Memphis , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Call er: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: & nbsp; No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is............

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.Best 9-1-1 call ever:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wr8y9BVP2e0

Neezar
08-17-2009, 03:39 PM
Best 9-1-1 call ever:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wr8y9BVP2e0


:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Through that, I found this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkpsNw3oM0Q&NR=1&feature=fvwp


:laugh: :laugh:

Neezar
08-17-2009, 03:59 PM
You have GOT to listen to this.....this reminded me of Mac for some reason

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u75yOQlrQ8s&NR=1

Oh! My sides are hurting. :cry: :laugh:

MattHughesRocks
08-17-2009, 04:14 PM
What? I'd have done the same thing :unsure-1:


:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:


You have GOT to listen to this.....this reminded me of Mac for some reason

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u75yOQlrQ8s&NR=1

Oh! My sides are hurting. :cry: :laugh:

VCURamFan
08-17-2009, 07:44 PM
This one is hilarious!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_T2nj-sczo&NR=1

VCURamFan
08-17-2009, 10:01 PM
OK, so I basically wasted my whole afternoon waiting for new tenants to show & watching Fail blog videos. Here's the best ones. :laugh:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1V8VcT9R2AI&feature=channel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Lj1zeAiYWw&feature=channel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmJEXe8gXNo&feature=channel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRJBgIO--rE&feature=channel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8h3sRoa5W2M&feature=channel

And my 2 absolute favorites!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHn1n0JJiFc&feature=channel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8FhCZBSksY&feature=channel

MattHughesRocks
08-30-2009, 04:25 PM
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere. Finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Tyburn
08-30-2009, 05:24 PM
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere. Finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

MattHughesRocks
09-07-2009, 04:27 AM
What happened to the man who died on an overdose of Viagra?

They couldn't close the coffin.

http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e292/skysrock/Smileys/Laughgiggle.gif

MattHughesRocks
09-11-2009, 02:31 AM
You might be a redneck if your jack-o lantern on your porch has more teeth than you do.

bradwright
09-11-2009, 03:01 AM
You might be a redneck if your jack-o lantern on your porch has more teeth than you do.

what do you mean might be ?:wink:

MattHughesRocks
09-18-2009, 07:27 AM
Q: How can you tell that a blonde's been baking chocolate chip cookies?

A: There's M&M shells all over the floor.

MattHughesRocks
09-18-2009, 07:31 AM
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, youve already told here twice :rolleyes:

VCURamFan
09-18-2009, 02:24 PM
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. She hauled herself from the wreckage as the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that got stomped by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began, "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Chuck
09-18-2009, 03:05 PM
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. She hauled herself from the wreckage as the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that got stomped by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began, "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

I'm glad Michelle is ok.... :cool:

VCURamFan
09-18-2009, 03:10 PM
I'm glad Michelle is ok.... :cool:
Yeah, me too.:laugh:

MattHughesRocks
09-18-2009, 03:47 PM
:o

MattHughesRocks
09-26-2009, 07:17 AM
The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder,followed by even more thunder, a bolt of lightening accompanied by even more thunder."Well" said her husband to the shaken Pastor when it ended,"she's there".

:laugh:

NateR
09-26-2009, 07:24 AM
The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder,followed by even more thunder, a bolt of lightening accompanied by even more thunder."Well" said her husband to the shaken Pastor when it ended,"she's there".

:laugh:

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Neezar
09-30-2009, 03:37 PM
Only in Texas my friends...Only in Texas ....

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer..

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'


The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket..'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

Bonnie
09-30-2009, 03:49 PM
....and he's still gonna get a ticket. :laugh:

MattHughesRocks
09-30-2009, 05:20 PM
:happy0198:

Primadawn
09-30-2009, 07:17 PM
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the
most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in
the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50
percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her
that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in
critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and
that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be
her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of
more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with
a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of
the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her
husband's condition.


The lady doctor glared at her and shouted 'You went ahead and finished
your shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While
you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your
husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as
well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be
the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will
require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your
career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

VCURamFan
09-30-2009, 07:20 PM
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the
most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in
the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50
percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her
that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in
critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and
that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be
her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of
more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with
a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of
the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her
husband's condition.


The lady doctor glared at her and shouted 'You went ahead and finished
your shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While
you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your
husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as
well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be
the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will
require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your
career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
Hahahahahahaha. :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

Neezar
09-30-2009, 07:24 PM
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the
most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in
the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50
percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her
that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in
critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and
that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be
her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of
more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with
a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of
the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her
husband's condition.


The lady doctor glared at her and shouted 'You went ahead and finished
your shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While
you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your
husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as
well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be
the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will
require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your
career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

:happydancing::laugh:

MattHughesRocks
09-30-2009, 07:26 PM
:laugh::laugh::laugh:

:happydancing::laugh:

MattHughesRocks
10-01-2009, 07:02 PM
BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the server, "Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you're blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blond girl.

3. I'm a 6 f oot tall, 175 lb. blond woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do y ou still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head,and mutters,

"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

bradwright
10-01-2009, 07:38 PM
A dog walks into a bar and says..."I'm looking for the man that shot my Paw"!!

MattHughesRocks
10-06-2009, 04:51 PM
Putting Your Affairs in Order!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've
got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best
put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself
and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been
waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are
good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this
case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to
the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less
somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They
were eventually approached by some of the woman's old
friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking
to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The
friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and
beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned
over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were
dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were
dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping
with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting
Your Affairs In Order.'

Neezar
10-07-2009, 04:19 PM
A Police officer (http://www.ajokeaday.com/ChisteDelDia.asp#) approached a blond stopped in the middle of the road before the river overpass holding up traffic. The officer noticed the driver jotting on a notebook frantically. He asked the blond, what in the world are you doing? She replied, "The sign says Draw Bridge".

Conrad
10-10-2009, 01:34 AM
This IM chat just happened.....

-----
Mike: I'm waiting for a download

Andrew: Okay

...

Mike: ok. We can meet by 6 probably.
download started (rapidshare)

Andrew: Sound's good
and I was wondering, what's with conspiracy theorists and bad web design?

Mike: lol
which one this time? xxxxxxx.xxx?

Andrew: yes
Not the worst I've ever seen, but it's pretty bad.
-----

Spiritwalker
10-14-2009, 04:20 PM
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California
When suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust..

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you
Give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility inHamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.


Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."


"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.


He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.


Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"


The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"


"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"


"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and You don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ....

Now give me back my dog..

Josh
10-14-2009, 07:17 PM
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California
When suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust..

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you
Give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility inHamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.


Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."


"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.


He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.


Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"


The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"


"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"


"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and You don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ....

Now give me back my dog..

I love it. That one is great.

Chuck
10-14-2009, 07:23 PM
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California
When suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.........

We should give the Cowboy the Nobel Peace Prize.... :D

Neezar
10-22-2009, 03:23 PM
From Dave in another thread


Works are about Earth. They are possibly about earning rewards in Heaven if thats what motivates you. But I personally have no desperate need to be rewarded at all in Heaven, just being their with GOD is quite sufficient for me...and besides...you dont know what works equate to what crowns GOD may give you in the Spiritual Realm.

Reward for goodness

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife (http://www.ahajokes.com/hea05.html#)?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband (http://www.ahajokes.com/hea05.html#). I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"

Neezar
10-23-2009, 04:38 PM
FISHING TRIP WITH JACK DANIELS

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth,
I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Neezar
10-23-2009, 04:39 PM
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female
neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again,
opened it, slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than
ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"


My stupid computer keeps saying, " YOU'VE GOT MAIL! "


:duh:

Neezar
10-23-2009, 04:40 PM
Subject: Blonde Journal


January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels.....Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4
years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit
into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers
cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I
weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh"..... there's no "eleven" Button on the stupid
phone!!!

Mac
10-23-2009, 04:54 PM
Subject: Blonde Journal


January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels.....Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4
years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit
into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers
cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I
weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh"..... there's no "eleven" Button on the stupid
phone!!!

What color is your hair ???????????

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

Neezar
10-23-2009, 04:55 PM
What color is your hair ???????????

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

:angry:



My real color? I don't know anymore. :laugh:

MattHughesRocks
10-26-2009, 07:12 AM
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing.Youve already told her twice :laugh:

flo
10-26-2009, 07:30 AM
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4
years!"

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Mark
11-02-2009, 02:38 AM
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men &women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do" FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get
a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.

Neezar
11-02-2009, 02:57 AM
That is the best joke ever.

NateR
11-02-2009, 03:11 AM
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men &women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do" FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get
a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.

:happy0198::happy0198::happy0198:

Bonnie
11-02-2009, 08:03 PM
That is the best joke ever.

What makes it so good is it's got so much truth in it (on both sides). :laugh:

Mark
11-03-2009, 03:07 AM
What makes it so good is it's got so much truth in it (on both sides). :laugh:

The best part.
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

MattHughesRocks
11-07-2009, 04:29 AM
PSYCHOPATH TEST

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads... No one I know has gotten it right. Few people do.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]





















Answer:


She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to determine if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know.

VCURamFan
11-07-2009, 04:40 AM
I bet Nate gets it right!:laugh:

VCURamFan
11-07-2009, 04:46 AM
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"
"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.
"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -
"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"

MattHughesRocks
11-07-2009, 03:37 PM
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt ! !! !! !





'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

............ ............ ..............


Sounds to me like she's ....... !
......been ....sweeping around!!!

MattHughesRocks
11-19-2009, 06:39 PM
MOM'S IN GROUP THERAPY


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers
and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even
named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows
itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Janet quietly got up and took her little boy
by the hand, and whispered,

"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick
up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

County Mike
11-19-2009, 06:46 PM
Good one!

Bonnie
11-19-2009, 10:26 PM
MOM'S IN GROUP THERAPY


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers
and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even
named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows
itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Janet quietly got up and took her little boy
by the hand, and whispered,

"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick
up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

:laugh:

You, know, I've never really thought about that--people's pyche aka "obsession" in naming their kids.

I can't wait to see what Mike comes up with. :Whistle:

:laugh:

County Mike
11-20-2009, 02:11 AM
:laugh:

You, know, I've never really thought about that--people's pyche aka "obsession" in naming their kids.

I can't wait to see what Mike comes up with. :Whistle:

:laugh:

I don't think you'll find much to analyze.

If it's a boy: Dalton Michael
If it's a girl: Haley Jean

We should find out December 11th.

Bonnie
11-20-2009, 04:52 PM
I don't think you'll find much to analyze.

If it's a boy: Dalton Michael
If it's a girl: Haley Jean

We should find out December 11th.

Haley Jean it is. :laugh: I'm just teasing you Mike. Those are both good names.

You know little girls are really nice; my mom had five of them. :w00t:

Although, she did tell us we better not have any girls 'cause she was sick of girls. So, my sister had a boy and my mom kept him when he was little. All she kept saying then was, "My God, he's so different than ya'll were!" :scared0011: :laugh:

When I found out she was having a boy all I said was, "Boy! What are we going to do with a boy? We don't know nothing 'bout boys!" :laugh: His birthday is tomorrow the 21st; he'll be nine. He was born on my anniversary. :cool:

Neezar
11-23-2009, 08:10 PM
Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I
saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

County Mike
11-23-2009, 08:14 PM
LOL

Bonnie
11-25-2009, 12:27 AM
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.

He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes," was his reply.

She said, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

:ninja:

Mac
11-25-2009, 01:20 AM
a little Poem.


There once was a man from carass
Whos balls were made out of brass
when they clanked together
they played stormy weather
and lightning shot out of his ass.



There once was a woman from Nizas
who had boobs of two different sizes
one was small , it was nothing at all
But the other was large and won prizes.

MattHughesRocks
11-25-2009, 05:38 AM
Mac :laugh::laugh::happy0198:

Blade
12-22-2009, 03:20 PM
Did you hear the one about the Englishman with the inferiority complex?

He thought he was the same as everyone else.

Neezar
12-22-2009, 03:37 PM
Did you hear the one about the Englishman with the inferiority complex?

He thought he was the same as everyone else.

:laugh:

Primadawn
12-22-2009, 05:06 PM
Did you hear the one about the Englishman with the inferiority complex?

He thought he was the same as everyone else.

BAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I nearly spit soda all over my monitor! :laugh::laugh:

Primadawn
12-22-2009, 05:13 PM
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All
the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm
smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Bonnie
12-22-2009, 06:27 PM
:laugh:

You know THAT'S what he really wanted to say in his blog. :laugh:

CAMPO
12-22-2009, 07:14 PM
Thanks to all of yas!! these have made me LOL!!!!! :laugh:

Silverback
12-25-2009, 07:07 PM
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker
are
all walking together one day.





They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.





'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says
the Genie.





The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want
the
land to be forever fertile in Canada '





POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was
forever
fertile for farming.





Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan,

Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can
come into our precious land.'





POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall

around those countries.







The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this
wall.'




The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick
and
completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's

virtually impenetrable.'







The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,
smiles
and says,

'Fill it with water.'

:tongue0011::tongue0011::tongue0011:

Robertboxerboy
01-02-2010, 03:34 AM
George Bush, Pres. Obama, on old woman, and a young women were all riding in the same cab on a train, when they went into a black tunnel. in the tunnel they heard a loud SMACK:punch:, and as they exited the tunnel obama had a red mark on his face. The old woman thought, 'well he must have tried to grope that young woman and she smacked him'. The young woman thought 'well he must have tried to grope me and missed and touched the old women and she slapped him'.

Bush thought, 'I can't wait untill another dark tunnell so i can smack him again!'

Chuck
01-11-2010, 07:22 PM
A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk

VCURamFan
01-12-2010, 07:11 AM
A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk
I still don't get why that guy was so pissed. I mean, how was I supposed to break my jumping-distance record without a little help??

MattHughesRocks
01-17-2010, 02:41 AM
WARNING!:LONG!


WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING



After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get

in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she

loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from

the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our

store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both

of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel,

are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other

people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute

intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,

then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of

the clerks passed out.

Bonnie
01-17-2010, 03:14 AM
OMGosh! :rotfl:

I better not show this one to my hubby. Might give him some ideas! :scared0011:

:laugh:

MattHughesRocks
01-17-2010, 03:22 AM
For some reason the putting the bag of m&m's on layaway made me LOL the most :laugh:

Black Mamba
01-17-2010, 03:52 AM
What's the dirtiest place in the world?

Inside a girl's mouth


How is a girl and guitar similar?

You hold the top and play the bottom



What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese

VCURamFan
01-20-2010, 05:25 AM
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other

people's carts when they weren't looking.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

I literally laughed out loud at these, which especially dangerous, considering everyone around here is asleep right now!! :laugh:

MattHughesRocks
01-22-2010, 04:56 AM
An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.

She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her host to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years , you still call your husband all those loving pet names'.

The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'

MattHughesRocks
01-22-2010, 05:03 PM
Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one
chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch butt
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get
good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house
should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

matthughesfan21
01-22-2010, 11:36 PM
Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
:laugh::laugh: those are my favorites

Tyburn
01-23-2010, 12:31 PM
Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one
chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch butt
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get
good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house
should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

thats sooo my sense of humour

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

Mark
01-26-2010, 03:45 PM
From A Mother With Love
Dear Mac,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Mark was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Boomer and Nate were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Mac
01-26-2010, 03:51 PM
you cant help but laugh at that..

billwilliams70
01-26-2010, 03:56 PM
One day, a Jewish man became frustrated with his son, so he talked with the young man and told him, “I’m going to send you to the Holy Land, so you’ll come back a good Jew.” The young men went off and came back a few years later a Christian. The older man was surprised and didn’t know what to do, so he went to his friend and told him. His friend said, “funny you should mention that. I had the same problem with my son and the same thing happened.” They didn’t know what to do, so they went to a Rabbi and they explained the situation to the Rabbi, the Rabbi responded with, “funny you should mention that. I had the same thing happen with my son and he came back a Christian as well, what can we do?”

So, all three men went before God in prayer, they prayed together, “Lord, years ago, we sent our sons to the Holy Land to become better Jews and they came back Christians, what do we do?” The Lord replied, “funny you should mention that….”

Later.

NateR
01-26-2010, 04:05 PM
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

I lol'd. :laugh::laugh::laugh:

MattHughesRocks
01-26-2010, 04:10 PM
:laugh:

One day, a Jewish man became frustrated with his son, so he talked with the young man and told him, “I’m going to send you to the Holy Land, so you’ll come back a good Jew.” The young men went off and came back a few years later a Christian. The older man was surprised and didn’t know what to do, so he went to his friend and told him. His friend said, “funny you should mention that. I had the same problem with my son and the same thing happened.” They didn’t know what to do, so they went to a Rabbi and they explained the situation to the Rabbi, the Rabbi responded with, “funny you should mention that. I had the same thing happen with my son and he came back a Christian as well, what can we do?”

So, all three men went before God in prayer, they prayed together, “Lord, years ago, we sent our sons to the Holy Land to become better Jews and they came back Christians, what do we do?” The Lord replied, “funny you should mention that….”

Later.

Mark
01-26-2010, 04:16 PM
A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Mac, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Mac, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.

So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.

Mac was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Mac showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mac announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her.

Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mac, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

billwilliams70
01-26-2010, 04:25 PM
^Oh my, that's funny!

Later.

Mac
01-26-2010, 05:11 PM
Marks Driver's Application

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.


Last name: ___Hughes_____________

First name:
[x_] Mark [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: _eleventeen___ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_X]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: __10__ Left _8.5___ Right
Occupation:
[X_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: _______Rachel___________________
2nd Spouse's Name: ___Jennifer_______________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _____Holly_____________________
Lover's Name: _________Blake_________________
2nd Lover's Name: _______Jeffrey___________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_X] Sister [_X] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: _8__
Number of children living in shed: __3_
Number of children that are yours: _0__

Mother's Name: ___________Flo____________
Father's Name: ____________Uncle Dad___________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_X] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [X_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
__22_ Total number of vehicles you own
_3__ Number of vehicles that still crank
__9_ Number of vehicles in front yard
__8_ Number of vehicles in back yard
__5_ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin __6____ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_x] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
__x__ truck __x__ kitchen
__x__ bedroom ___x_ bathroom/outhouse
__x__ shed __x__ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: ___ford______ 1942_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_x] No; If no, please explain: Boy needed it for his big wheel

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_x] Bassmasters

__36_ Number of times you've seen a UFO
_48__ Number of times you've seen Elvis
__13_ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_x] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? depends on if its my week to wear em
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[x_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[x_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_x] whats a paved road

Oddtodd76
01-26-2010, 05:40 PM
hahahahahaahha! I am stealing that one!

Twinsmama
01-26-2010, 07:43 PM
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Twinsmama
01-26-2010, 07:47 PM
From A Mother With Love

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

County Mike
01-26-2010, 08:00 PM
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Hahahahahahahahah

NateR
01-26-2010, 08:03 PM
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

Silverback
01-26-2010, 11:04 PM
Mac its not nice to pick on Mark, you know how quirky he is, and you must not forget how many times he was droped on his head, now take all them bad things you said back!!!:tongue0011::tongue0011::tongue0011:Marks Driver's Application

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.


Last name: ___Hughes_____________

First name:
[x_] Mark [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: _eleventeen___ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_X]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: __10__ Left _8.5___ Right
Occupation:
[X_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: _______Rachel___________________
2nd Spouse's Name: ___Jennifer_______________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _____Holly_____________________
Lover's Name: _________Blake_________________
2nd Lover's Name: _______Jeffrey___________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_X] Sister [_X] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: _8__
Number of children living in shed: __3_
Number of children that are yours: _0__

Mother's Name: ___________Flo____________
Father's Name: ____________Uncle Dad___________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_X] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [X_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
__22_ Total number of vehicles you own
_3__ Number of vehicles that still crank
__9_ Number of vehicles in front yard
__8_ Number of vehicles in back yard
__5_ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin __6____ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_x] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
__x__ truck __x__ kitchen
__x__ bedroom ___x_ bathroom/outhouse
__x__ shed __x__ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: ___ford______ 1942_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_x] No; If no, please explain: Boy needed it for his big wheel

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_x] Bassmasters

__36_ Number of times you've seen a UFO
_48__ Number of times you've seen Elvis
__13_ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_x] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? depends on if its my week to wear em
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[x_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[x_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_x] whats a paved road

Silverback
01-27-2010, 04:37 AM
Mark and Mac if you two don't start getting along I am turning the truck around and we will be going back home, so whats it going to be??:blink::blink::blink:A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Mac, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Mac, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.

So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.

Mac was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Mac showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mac announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her.

Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mac, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

County Mike
01-27-2010, 12:03 PM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....



' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

billwilliams70
01-27-2010, 07:05 PM
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

Later.

billwilliams70
01-27-2010, 07:27 PM
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”

The bartender says, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”

Later.

VCURamFan
01-28-2010, 05:29 AM
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”

The bartender says, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”

Later.
Hahahahahahaha!!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Twinsmama
01-28-2010, 07:06 PM
3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do




Don't be mean to me I really don't think Jesus is a woman:laugh:

Mark
01-30-2010, 05:31 PM
Booooooooooooooooo
Booooooooooooooooo
You get Boooooooooooood off the stage!

Twinsmama
01-30-2010, 06:34 PM
Booooooooooooooooo
Booooooooooooooooo
You get Boooooooooooood off the stage!

:laugh::laugh:

Silverback
02-01-2010, 02:29 AM
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". :cool::cool::cool:

VCURamFan
02-01-2010, 02:37 AM
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". :cool::cool::cool:

Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Mac
02-01-2010, 04:04 AM
THis man walks into a bar with his monkey and takes a seat.

While the man is drinking his beer , the monkey jumps up , runs over to the pool table where a game is in progress.

The monkey jumps up on the table , grabs the cue ball and swallows it down .

The bartender is fuming and hollers at the guy " Hey your monkey just ate the cue ball , get him out of here and dont come back until he has learned better"

about a week later here comes the guy and his Monkey , Fella sits down at the bar and starts drinking his beer.

The bartender is watching the monkey very close . About this time , the monkey runs down the bar , grabs a cherry out of this girls drink , sticks it up his butt and then pulls it back out and eats it.

Again , the bartender is fuming , he hollers at the man " Hey i thought i told you not to bring him back until he had learned better , he just stuck a cherry in his butt and then ate it "

They guy calmly looks at the bartender and says " He did learn better , After he had tp crap that cue ball he learned to gauge things first"

Twinsmama
02-01-2010, 01:39 PM
EEEwwww!!!:laugh::laugh:

VCURamFan
02-01-2010, 05:17 PM
THis man walks into a bar with his monkey and takes a seat.

While the man is drinking his beer , the monkey jumps up , runs over to the pool table where a game is in progress.

The monkey jumps up on the table , grabs the cue ball and swallows it down .

The bartender is fuming and hollers at the guy " Hey your monkey just ate the cue ball , get him out of here and dont come back until he has learned better"

about a week later here comes the guy and his Monkey , Fella sits down at the bar and starts drinking his beer.

The bartender is watching the monkey very close . About this time , the monkey runs down the bar , grabs a cherry out of this girls drink , sticks it up his butt and then pulls it back out and eats it.

Again , the bartender is fuming , he hollers at the man " Hey i thought i told you not to bring him back until he had learned better , he just stuck a cherry in his butt and then ate it "

They guy calmly looks at the bartender and says " He did learn better , After he had tp crap that cue ball he learned to gauge things first"

Hahahahahahaha!!!!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Silverback
02-02-2010, 11:31 AM
Not a joke but thought it was funny A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment...





After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,


I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a snow shovel.

Mrs. Harrington



Sorry Mac I know one of them with money in his hand had to be you!!:tongue0011::tongue0011::tongue0011:

MattHughesRocks
02-02-2010, 04:37 PM
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing.Youve already told her twice :laugh::laugh::laugh:

Mark
02-07-2010, 06:27 PM
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?

























Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

Mark
02-07-2010, 06:29 PM
Why was the frog happy?



















Because he ate everything that bugged him.

Primadawn
02-07-2010, 06:45 PM
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing.Youve already told her twice :laugh::laugh::laugh:

Bwahahahahaha! Funniest joke EVER! Did you make that up Michele? :laugh::happydancing::laugh:

Primadawn
02-07-2010, 06:52 PM
Mac pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed his friend where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Mac recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said his friend.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."
:laugh:

Silverback
02-07-2010, 06:53 PM
Just wait till I get home mine will out do that one and your other joke,:laugh::laugh::laugh:Why was the frog happy?



















Because he ate everything that bugged him.

Mac
02-07-2010, 07:04 PM
Not a joke but thought it was funny A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment...





After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,


I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a snow shovel.

Mrs. Harrington



Sorry Mac I know one of them with money in his hand had to be you!!:tongue0011::tongue0011::tongue0011:

HA HA HA ,

"Shake it fast , show me whatcha workin with" :laugh::laugh::laugh:

Mark
02-07-2010, 07:49 PM
Mac pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed his friend where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Mac recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said his friend.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."
:laugh:

Funny.
The tree was in my pasture!

Llamafighter
02-07-2010, 08:08 PM
a farmer was milking his cow one day when a fly flew into the barn, right past his nose and directly into the cows ear. The farmer didn't think which of it until a few moments later when the same fly suddenly shot out of the teet and into the milk pail.
"Huh" said the farmer.
"that went in one ear and out the udder"

Bonnie
02-07-2010, 08:37 PM
Okay, this one has a "little" bad language, but still funny:

WHEN TO START CUSSING

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in the bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nodded his approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say somethin with hell and you say somethin with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair and tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs cry'n his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit slappin his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

Bonnie
02-07-2010, 08:57 PM
This is one I think the ladies will appreciate. I've "edited" for strong language.

After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks in to a house to look for money and guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up and goes into the bathroom. The husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to have sex with you, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You."

The wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I LOVE YOU TOO!!!

Mark
02-07-2010, 09:23 PM
Both are good one's.

Twinsmama
02-17-2010, 03:43 PM
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room reading the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know),
"'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

County Mike
02-17-2010, 03:47 PM
Hahaha. Poor daddy. I'll have to remember that if my soon-to-be daughter ever brings me a cup of "tea".

Neezar
02-19-2010, 02:53 PM
> >
> > HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE
> > AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS
> > ONE;
> >
> >
> >
> > MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR
> > MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
> >
> > I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL
> > NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE
> > SAME
> > NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
> >
> > COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY
> > BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH
> > THOUGHT.
> > THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD
> > TO
> > HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
> >
> > AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED
> > MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
> >
> > 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
> >
> > 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
> >
> > HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
> >
> > 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
> >
> > HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD,
> > WRINKLED
> > FACED, FAT, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, MAN ASKED,
> >
> > 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???'
> >
> >

County Mike
02-19-2010, 03:12 PM
A hahahahahaahha.

Other people my age do look older to me. I guess they think the same when they look at me. We all want to think of ourselves as much younger.

Mark
02-19-2010, 03:15 PM
> >
> > HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE
> > AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS
> > ONE;
> >
> >
> >
> > MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR
> > MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
> >
> > I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL
> > NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE
> > SAME
> > NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
> >
> > COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY
> > BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH
> > THOUGHT.
> > THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD
> > TO
> > HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
> >
> > AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED
> > MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
> >
> > 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
> >
> > 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
> >
> > HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
> >
> > 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
> >
> > HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD,
> > WRINKLED
> > FACED, FAT, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, MAN ASKED,
> >
> > 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???'
> >
> >

Funny haha