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Neezar
10-07-2011, 03:03 PM
Here's the Riddle-of-the-Day




You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off. On your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.




What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?




See answer below.















Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

Bonnie
10-07-2011, 06:41 PM
Here's the Riddle-of-the-Day




You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off. On your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.




What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?




See answer below.















Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

:laugh: :laugh:

You always have some of the best jokes, Neezy! :laugh:

VCURamFan
10-07-2011, 06:46 PM
and the bartenders says "I'm sorry, we don't serve fater-than-light particles around here!"
let's find the nerds around here, shall we?
So a nuetrino walks into a bar,

flo
10-08-2011, 05:48 AM
:laugh: :laugh:

You always have some of the best jokes, Neezy! :laugh:

Seconded! :laugh::laugh::laugh:

Bonnie
10-08-2011, 04:04 PM
and the bartenders says "I'm sorry, we don't serve fater-than-light particles around here!"
let's find the nerds around here, shall we?
So a nuetrino walks into a bar,

Oh...oh...oh...I see one...I see one! :tongue0011:

:laugh:

That Pena looks so darn cute! Brings a :) to my face everytime I see your sig.

flo
10-08-2011, 06:20 PM
Oh...oh...oh...I see one...I see one! :tongue0011:

:laugh:



Dang, I missed it completely! I didn't get that at all and figured Ben was just having a...erm...celebratory Friday night. :wink:

Why can't I figure out the inviso-text? :dunce:

VCURamFan
10-08-2011, 09:42 PM
The joke is a very nerdy one based on a shocking recent discovery at the CERN Large Hadron Reactor that could very well revolutionize physics.

Neezar
10-09-2011, 02:10 AM
:laugh: :laugh:

You always have some of the best jokes, Neezy! :laugh:

Thanks. My mom sends them to me. :)

Bonnie
10-09-2011, 04:03 AM
The joke is a very nerdy one based on a shocking recent discovery at the CERN Large Hadron Reactor that could very well revolutionize physics.

I admit I had to look nuetrino up. :laugh:

Neezar
10-27-2011, 02:57 PM
:laugh:

http://terrisfp.com/hallo1/ghost1.swf

Neezar
10-27-2011, 02:58 PM
Al & THE BLONDE:

http://us.mg5.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f3719%5fAI5VimIAADH%2fTqGWAwKccFWf O5Y&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

Al
walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.


The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.
http://us.mg5.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f3719%5fAI5VimIAADH%2fTqGWAwKccFWf O5Y&pid=2.3&fid=Inbox&inline=1


The blonde looked at Aland said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"

Al said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."


The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."


Al placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

http://us.mg5.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f3719%5fAI5VimIAADH%2fTqGWAwKccFWf O5Y&pid=2.4&fid=Inbox&inline=1


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.


The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Al. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

http://us.mg5.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f3719%5fAI5VimIAADH%2fTqGWAwKccFWf O5Y&pid=2.5&fid=Inbox&inline=1


Al replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."


The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."


Al took the money. http://us.mg5.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f3719%5fAI5VimIAADH%2fTqGWAwKccFWf O5Y&pid=2.6&fid=Inbox&inline=1

Neezar
10-27-2011, 03:06 PM
Subject: Fwd: The Proposal


A young girl came home from a date looking sad.



She told her mother, “Charles proposed to me a few minutes

ago.”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

“Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom, he

doesn’t believe there’s hell!”

Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of

us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

Neezar
10-27-2011, 03:08 PM
> > While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
> condom all the time he is there.
> A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find
> his penis covered with bright purple spots.
> Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
> The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests
> and
> tells the man to return in two days for the results.
> The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad
> news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
> unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.."
> The man looks a little perplexed and says,
> "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
> The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to
> have to amputate your penis."
> The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"
> The doctor replies, "Well, that's your choice. Go ahead, if you want,
> but surgery is your only option."
> The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
> know more about the disease.
> The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian
> VD. Vewy ware disease."
> The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can
> we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
> The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
> "Stupid American docttah,always want opawate. Make more money dat
> way. No need amputate!"
> Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
> Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "Wait two week ... Faw off by itself!"

rearnakedchoke
10-28-2011, 01:04 PM
> > While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
> condom all the time he is there.
> A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find
> his penis covered with bright purple spots.
> Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
> The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests
> and
> tells the man to return in two days for the results.
> The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad
> news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
> unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.."
> The man looks a little perplexed and says,
> "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
> The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to
> have to amputate your penis."
> The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"
> The doctor replies, "Well, that's your choice. Go ahead, if you want,
> but surgery is your only option."
> The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
> know more about the disease.
> The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian
> VD. Vewy ware disease."
> The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can
> we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
> The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
> "Stupid American docttah,always want opawate. Make more money dat
> way. No need amputate!"
> Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
> Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "Wait two week ... Faw off by itself!"

reminds me of a great joke i heard on The Sopranos (told by Junior)

A man goes to his Chinese eye doctor because he is having trouble with his sight;
After a few minutes of looking him over the doctor says, "I know what the problem is, you have a cataract";
The man says "What are you talking about, I drive a Lincoln"

Neezar
11-03-2011, 12:38 PM
New way to lose weight. I love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEH4Yum4nN4&feature=player_embedded

MattHughesRocks
11-03-2011, 02:59 PM
:w00t:

:laugh:
:happy0198:

:ashamed:



New way to lose weight. I love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEH4Yum4nN4&feature=player_embedded

flo
11-03-2011, 11:41 PM
New way to lose weight. I love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEH4Yum4nN4&feature=player_embedded

Nice find, loved it!!

:happydancing:

Tyburn
11-04-2011, 06:40 PM
I was going to offer Georges Saint Pierre a sandwhich.... :w00t:


...But I just knew he wouldnt be able to finish it :mellow:

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

VCURamFan
11-06-2011, 01:37 AM
New way to lose weight. I love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEH4Yum4nN4&feature=player_embedded

Hahahaha, love it! :laugh:

VCURamFan
12-29-2011, 11:14 AM
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

County Mike
12-29-2011, 11:59 AM
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Iron my shirt!

VCURamFan
12-29-2011, 12:57 PM
Iron my shirt!
Mike, go away, I'm waiting for Michelle! :laugh:

surveyorshawn
12-29-2011, 02:08 PM
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing. You quietly hide and wait for the exorcist to arrive...

MattHughesRocks
12-29-2011, 02:15 PM
HEY! :angry:


:laugh::laugh::laugh:


What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Primadawn
12-29-2011, 02:35 PM
How do you turn your dishwasher into a snowplow?











Give him a shovel! :happydancing:

VCURamFan
12-29-2011, 02:51 PM
Why shouldn't women drive?








There's no road between the laundry room & the kitchen.

VCURamFan
01-18-2012, 01:06 AM
For Mike:

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/dating-fails-dating-fails-the-test.jpg

County Mike
01-18-2012, 12:42 PM
Winner!

Neezar
02-08-2012, 08:13 PM
Clever Jury...




In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to
get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:


A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse.


In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client
would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.


"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked
toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on
eagerly.


A minute passed. Nothing happened.


Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you
have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and
I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."


The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned
and pronounced a verdict of guilty.


"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all
of you stare at the door."


The jury foreman replied:


"Yes, we did look,



but your client didn't."

flo
02-08-2012, 08:17 PM
Clever Jury...




In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to
get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:


A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse.


In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client
would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.


"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked
toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on
eagerly.


A minute passed. Nothing happened.


Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you
have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and
I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."


The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned
and pronounced a verdict of guilty.


"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all
of you stare at the door."


The jury foreman replied:


"Yes, we did look,



but your client didn't."

Oh, sweet justice! :happy0159:

Buc Nasty
02-08-2012, 08:53 PM
I had to defrost the freezer tonight before bed.

Or foreplay as she calls it.

MattHughesRocks
02-09-2012, 02:22 AM
:laugh:

I had to defrost the freezer tonight before bed.

Or foreplay as she calls it.

Bonnie
02-09-2012, 03:00 AM
I had to defrost the freezer tonight before bed.

Or foreplay as she calls it.

:laugh::laugh:

flo
02-09-2012, 04:26 AM
I had to defrost the freezer tonight before bed.

Or foreplay as she calls it.

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

County Mike
02-09-2012, 10:53 AM
I had to defrost the freezer tonight before bed.

Or foreplay as she calls it.

KY

Buc Nasty
02-11-2012, 07:20 AM
KY

:Whistle:

Neezar
02-15-2012, 10:53 PM
ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM. RIDDLE #5 IS AMAZING. IT
SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMER'S FOR
YEARS!!
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose
between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires,
the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and
the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?


2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water
for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they
both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?


3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and
grey when you throw it away ?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the
words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how
quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It
looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was
wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly
unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still
may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you
might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

**THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

1 The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years
are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her
husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held
under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday,
today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in
the English language, does not appear even once in the
paragraph.

Neezar
02-15-2012, 10:54 PM
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
>
>
>
> The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
>
> Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
>
> However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
>
> She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
>
> The bartender replied,
>
> 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
>
>
>
> 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
>
> So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
>
> After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !
>
> She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
>
> 'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
>
> 'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
>
>
>
> 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

flo
02-16-2012, 12:07 AM
ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM. RIDDLE #5 IS AMAZING. IT
SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMER'S FOR
YEARS!!
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose
between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires,
the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and
the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?


2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water
for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they
both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?


3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and
grey when you throw it away ?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the
words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how
quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It
looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was
wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly
unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still
may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you
might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

**THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

1 The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years
are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her
husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held
under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday,
today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in
the English language, does not appear even once in the
paragraph.


I love these! I only got part of #2 and I got #4 but that's it!

flo
02-16-2012, 12:08 AM
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
>
>
>
> The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
>
> Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
>
> However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
>
> She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
>
> The bartender replied,
>
> 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
>
>
>
> 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
>
> So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
>
> After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !
>
> She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
>
> 'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
>
> 'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
>
>
>
> 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.


PWNED!!! :laugh::laugh::laugh:

Bonnie
02-16-2012, 01:24 AM
I love these! I only got part of #2 and I got #4 but that's it!

I only got #1. :laugh:

PWNED!!! :laugh::laugh::laugh:

:laugh:

VCURamFan
02-16-2012, 03:31 AM
ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM. RIDDLE #5 IS AMAZING. IT
SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMER'S FOR
YEARS!!
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose
between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires,
the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and
the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?


2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water
for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they
both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?


3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and
grey when you throw it away ?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the
words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how
quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It
looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was
wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly
unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still
may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you
might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

**THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

1 The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years
are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her
husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held
under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday,
today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in
the English language, does not appear even once in the
paragraph.

I got 1, 2, 4 & 5, but couldn't figure out 3. My only shot in the dark was maybe "lipstick" 'cause the case is black (when you buy it), it's red when you use it, but then I didn't know what color the interior was when empty (grey?).
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
>
>
>
> The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
>
> Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
>
> However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
>
> She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
>
> The bartender replied,
>
> 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
>
>
>
> 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
>
> So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
>
> After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !
>
> She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
>
> 'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
>
> 'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
>
>
>
> 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.


Hahahahaha, awesome!!! :laugh:

County Mike
02-16-2012, 11:08 AM
1 The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years
are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her
husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held
under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday,
today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in
the English language, does not appear even once in the
paragraph.
[/FONT]

Nice. I didn't get number 5. Not sure I ever would have noticed the missing "e".

VCURamFan
02-22-2012, 01:21 PM
Y'all can thank my dad for this one:


An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, some Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant ...

"I'm sorry," said the manager, as he scrutinized the group one by one, and then barred their entrance saying, "Sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai."

County Mike
02-22-2012, 01:44 PM
:groan:

flo
02-22-2012, 07:02 PM
Y'all can thank my dad for this one:

G-R-O-A-N








Loved it! :laugh::laugh::laugh:

flo
02-22-2012, 07:02 PM
Okay, I honestly did not see Mike's comment until after I posted mine.

GMTA, apparently. :)

VCURamFan
02-22-2012, 07:27 PM
:groan:

G-R-O-A-N


Loved it! :laugh::laugh::laugh:
Yup! It's a classic Dad joke! :laugh:

MattHughesRocks
02-22-2012, 08:34 PM
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? :laugh::laugh::happy0198:

VCURamFan
02-22-2012, 08:42 PM
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? :laugh::laugh::happy0198:
THERE IT IS!!! :laugh:

County Mike
02-23-2012, 11:10 AM
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? :laugh::laugh::happy0198:

Call your hot friend and make me a sandwich.

MattHughesRocks
02-23-2012, 02:49 PM
I have a better one but I can't post it. PM me if you want to hear it.:ninja:

flo
02-23-2012, 05:49 PM
Call your hot friend and make me a sammich.

Fixed!

VCURamFan
02-23-2012, 06:12 PM
Fixed!
:laugh:

Neezar
02-27-2012, 10:12 AM
Norman and his wife live in Michigan. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
>You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."



Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.


>A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."


>Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.


>The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out, and Norman's wife is
>very upset.


>With a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"


>With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says,
>Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

County Mike
02-27-2012, 12:54 PM
:)

Neezar
02-27-2012, 11:06 PM
:biggrin-1:

Neezar
03-07-2012, 12:40 PM
Cowboy:
GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

CASHIER:
DO YOU NEED A BAG?

Cowboy:
NAH.. SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!:

County Mike
03-07-2012, 12:52 PM
If she has an ugly face but a hot body, put a flag over her face and do it for the glory.

Neezar
03-09-2012, 12:18 PM
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the
creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration . . .
"Son of a bitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

County Mike
03-09-2012, 12:45 PM
Barefoot! Hahahahaha.

Girls are dumb.

Buc Nasty
03-16-2012, 11:45 AM
Arguing with a Christian is like playing chess with a pigeon.

You could be the greatest player in the world, but the pigeon will still knock over all the pieces, •••• on the board and strut around triumphantly.

**Awaits ban**

VCURamFan
03-16-2012, 11:56 AM
Arguing with a Christian is like playing chess with a pigeon.

You could be the greatest player in the world, but the pigeon will still knock over all the pieces, •••• on the board and strut around triumphantly.

**Awaits ban**
:laugh: I love jokes like this that can easily be twisted to $h!t on whoever you're arguing with! :laugh:

PRShrek
03-16-2012, 01:28 PM
Arguing with a Christian is like playing chess with a pigeon.

You could be the greatest player in the world, but the pigeon will still knock over all the pieces, •••• on the board and strut around triumphantly.

**Awaits ban**

It actually says this in the Bible:
1 Corinthians 1:19
For it is written: “I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.”

In other words, ‘You could be the greatest player in the world’ and it won’t mean nothin’ to The Player.

VCURamFan
03-26-2012, 03:04 PM
A blind man was eating dinner with his wife when the family dog wandered over & started peeing on the man’s leg. Once he realized what was going on, the man grabbed a hunk of the wife’s pot roast off his plate & started offering it to the dog. His wife was livid. “I spent hours slaving over that pot roast for you & you use it to reward the dog that JUST PEED ON YOU????” The man calmly replied, “Honey, I’ve got to find his mouth so I can whup his @$$.”

Did you know that doctors have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary? Turns out it runs in your jeans…

God originally created Woman with 3 breasts, but the middle one kept getting in the way, so God put her back to sleep & removed it. When she woke up, Woman held up the leftovers & asked “What are we gonna do with the useless boob?” And then God created Man.

How can you tell if your wife has passed away? The sex is about the same, but the dished are stacking up…

Jed went to the town dance & was lucky enough to win the door prize. Unfortunately, the town wasn’t the most affluent, so his “big get” was just a toilet brush. Later that week, at poker night, his buddies were giving him a hard time about his great luck. “How’s that amazing toilet brush treating you?” Jed just rolled his eyes & said “It works pretty well, fellas, thank. But I gotta be honest, I still like toilet paper better.”

A large shipment of Viagra was hijacked last night. Though they don’t have many leads, law enforcement officers are keeping an eye out for hardened criminals…

Earl was bragging to his buddies one night about his prize stud bull, Durham. “Yezzir, boys, Durham got it done 200 times last year!” Edith, Earl’s wife, happened to be wandering by & heard him. She snickered & shot back, “Gee, Earl, 200 times in a year? Bet you didn’t know that was possible! Maybe you should pay a little better attention, Durham might be able to teach you something!” As his buddies started laughing, Earl nodded & said, “Yeah, it mighta been 200 times, Edith, but it wasn’t all with the same cow!”

What do you get when you combine Holy Water with Caster Oil? A religious movement…

Like most early cultures, the aborigines originally saw no need for clothing. They were born naked, lived naked & would die naked. It seemed the most natural thing in the world. One day, though, a hunter met an elephant during his Walk About. The elephant glanced down at him with a quizzical look on his face & asked “Well, yeah, it’s cute, but can you really breathe through it?” The aborigines have worn loincloths ever since.

MattHughesRocks
03-31-2012, 07:55 PM
Not really a joke but more of a funny....my mom is turning 78 and I'm making the cake.
Me: Mom, there's no way I can get 78 candles on a cake. I'll just get the numbered ones. How old do you want to be then?
Mom: 50!
Happy 50th Birthday Mom! :laugh:

Bonnie
03-31-2012, 10:58 PM
Not really a joke but more of a funny....my mom is turning 78 and I'm making the cake.
Me: Mom, there's no way I can get 78 candles on a cake. I'll just get the numbered ones. How old do you want to be then?
Mom: 50!
Happy 50th Birthday Mom! :laugh:

:laugh:

Bonnie
03-31-2012, 11:02 PM
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the
creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration . . .
"Son of a bitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Neezar
04-04-2012, 09:35 PM
One day my housework-challenged husband decidedto wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,he shouted to me, 'What
setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'
And they say blondes are dumb....

Neezar
04-04-2012, 09:35 PM
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower...

'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed
the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

Neezar
04-04-2012, 09:36 PM
Q: What do you callan intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor------------

County Mike
04-04-2012, 10:13 PM
Q: What do you callan intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor------------


A rumor named "Mike Everland". :)

Oh wait. Just noticed the "sensitive" part. Nevermind.

Bonnie
04-04-2012, 11:06 PM
A rumor named "Mike Everland". :)

Oh wait. Just noticed the "sensitive" part. Nevermind.

:laugh:

Women want men to be just sensitive "enough" to be in touch with our feelings. :laugh: A manly man who knows when to speak and when NOT to (intelligent), and who NEVER EVER utters the words, "I told you so". :laugh: That last part ensures a man will forever remain "good looking" in the eyes of his woman. :laugh:

County Mike
04-05-2012, 10:12 AM
:laugh:

Women want men to be just sensitive "enough" to be in touch with our feelings. :laugh: A manly man who knows when to speak and when NOT to (intelligent), and who NEVER EVER utters the words, "I told you so". :laugh: That last part ensures a man will forever remain "good looking" in the eyes of his woman. :laugh:

Whatever. Get naked.

MattHughesRocks
04-05-2012, 02:36 PM
:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Q: What do you callan intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor------------

Neezar
04-19-2012, 01:28 PM
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest
woman in the world...'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.

Neezar
04-19-2012, 01:30 PM
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --


Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy. .
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gaspingfor breath and calling
your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

Q: Why do men whistle when theyare sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..

------------ --------- --------- --------- ----


Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

MattHughesRocks
04-19-2012, 02:14 PM
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

County Mike
04-19-2012, 05:56 PM
TRUE

flo
04-19-2012, 08:01 PM
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

ROFLMAO!!!! :laugh::laugh::laugh:

flo
04-19-2012, 08:03 PM
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

:laugh::laugh: Well, you know what they say, stereotypes are based in truth...

Buc Nasty
04-19-2012, 09:09 PM
What is it, American man-hating day or something? :laugh:

So nobody is allowed to leave North Korea eh?
I'll get my wife a flight first thing tomorrow. :tongue0011:

flo
04-19-2012, 10:18 PM
What is it, American man-hating day or something? :laugh:



No, Buc, it's Global Man-Hating Day. :wink: Here are some more for your enjoyment.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

Make him wear shoes.


How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.


Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.


What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.


What's the smartest thing a man can say?

"My wife says...."



:)

County Mike
04-20-2012, 07:24 PM
I thought the female astronauts were there to nag and give the male astronauts a reason to go back home.

Buc Nasty
05-05-2012, 10:24 AM
I thought the female astronauts were there to nag and give the male astronauts a reason to go back home.

Well we know that but....



My wife came in complaining that I never lift a finger around the house.

So I did.

The middle one.

Buc Nasty
05-08-2012, 11:36 AM
I asked my jewish grandfather if I could borrow fifty quid.

"Forty quid?" he said...

''What do you need thirty quid for?"

County Mike
05-08-2012, 12:11 PM
I asked my jewish grandfather if I could borrow fifty quid.

"Forty quid?" he said...

''What do you need thirty quid for?"

I like that one. I need to start responding in similar fashion.

VCURamFan
05-11-2012, 08:54 PM
A conversation between me & my iPhone:

VCU: *press voice dial button* Call "Dad"
Siri: Multiple matches
VCU: :huh:
Siri: Did you mean Matt Helms, Matt Hughes, Matt McDowell or Matt Painter?
VCU: :rolleyes: No, "DAD"
Siri: Calling Matt Hughes.
VCU: :happy0198:

Buc Nasty
05-15-2012, 06:25 AM
Me and my mate planned to go to a fancy dress party dressed as a pair of breasts.
He didn't turn up.

I looked like a right tit.
***********************
Porn has ruined my life.

My boiler has gone and I'm scared to call the plumber.

preach
05-16-2012, 05:55 PM
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's nearly perfect.

flo
05-16-2012, 11:16 PM
A conversation between me & my iPhone:

VCU: *press voice dial button* Call "Dad"
Siri: Multiple matches
VCU: :huh:
Siri: Did you mean Matt Helms, Matt Hughes, Matt McDowell or Matt Painter?
VCU: :rolleyes: No, "DAD"
Siri: Calling Matt Hughes.
VCU: :happy0198:

:laugh::laugh::laugh:



Porn has ruined my life.

My boiler has gone and I'm scared to call the plumber.

I don't get it. :unsure:

Buc Nasty
05-17-2012, 09:46 AM
Really? Lol

County Mike
05-17-2012, 05:47 PM
I don't get it. :unsure:

In pornos, if you call the plumber, you're likely to get your pipes snaked out.


If you know what I mean. :wink:

Bonnie
05-17-2012, 06:00 PM
A conversation between me & my iPhone:

VCU: *press voice dial button* Call "Dad"
Siri: Multiple matches
VCU: :huh:
Siri: Did you mean Matt Helms, Matt Hughes, Matt McDowell or Matt Painter?
VCU: :rolleyes: No, "DAD"
Siri: Calling Matt Hughes.
VCU: :happy0198:

:laugh:

VCURamFan
05-17-2012, 06:15 PM
:laugh::laugh::laugh:

:laugh:
I hung up & then manually dialed my dad & told him the story, he couldn't stop laughing! I told him if he didn't get a Father's Day present from me, he'd know where to look! :laugh:

flo
05-17-2012, 06:50 PM
In pornos, if you call the plumber, you're likely to get your pipes snaked out.


If you know what I mean. :wink:

Oh, ok, thanks. :ashamed:

Bonnie
05-18-2012, 01:41 AM
I hung up & then manually dialed my dad & told him the story, he couldn't stop laughing! I told him if he didn't get a Father's Day present from me, he'd know where to look! :laugh:

:laugh:

You know, you could have had some fun with your mom on this one...if she didn't kill you! :laugh:

Neezar
05-18-2012, 01:46 AM
A conversation between me & my iPhone:

VCU: *press voice dial button* Call "Dad"
Siri: Multiple matches
VCU: :huh:
Siri: Did you mean Matt Helms, Matt Hughes, Matt McDowell or Matt Painter?
VCU: :rolleyes: No, "DAD"
Siri: Calling Matt Hughes.
VCU: :happy0198:

This reminds me of a joke. lol

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing
new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor
pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of
it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even
10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to
go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was
still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and
was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel
quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the
husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had
experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.

flo
05-18-2012, 03:28 AM
This reminds me of a joke. lol

LMAO!!! I wasn't expecting that! :laugh:

Neezar
06-01-2012, 12:32 AM
This is not a joke but I thought it was a good read.




Do you like to read a good murder mystery?

Not even Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess.

This is an unbelievable twist of fate!!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, (AAFS)
President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal
complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story:


On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.

Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a10-story building intending to
commit suicide.

He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun
blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been
installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building
workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the
way he had planned.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was
occupied by an elderly man and his wife.

They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun!

The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed
his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt,
one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'

When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both
adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded..

The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with
the unloaded shotgun.

He had no intention to murder her.

Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is,
assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's
son loading the shotgun about 6 weeks prior to the fatal accident.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support
and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun
threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his
mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder
even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of
Ronald Opus.
Now for the exquisite twist...

Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.

He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to
engineer his mother's murder.

This led him to jump off the 10 story building on March 23rd, only to be
killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.

The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself.

So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

PRShrek
06-02-2012, 05:36 PM
"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

“Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

“It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”

PRShrek
06-02-2012, 06:59 PM
“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Arianny”

“Arianny wh-!!*SMACK*!!”

“Arianny Celeste YOU CHEATING SON OF A ****!”

Primadawn
06-04-2012, 07:04 PM
Why are redneck murders never solved?




All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records.

flo
06-04-2012, 07:27 PM
"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

“Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

“It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Why are redneck murders never solved?


All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records.

:rotfl:

Buc Nasty
06-07-2012, 12:06 PM
Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, or is it just one of Granny's myths?
----------------------------------------
A guy with a gun enters a bar.

"Who the :censored: had sex with my wife?" he snarled.

A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets, mate!"

VCURamFan
06-07-2012, 02:02 PM
A guy with a gun enters a bar.

"Who the :censored: had sex with my wife?" he snarled.

A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets, mate!"
:happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198:

Buc Nasty
06-09-2012, 02:13 PM
I once dated a girl who owned a parrot, the bloody thing would never shut up.

The parrot was cool though.

--------------------------------

Hugh Hefner having sex without viagra must be like piercing a capri-sun with an earthworm.

Buc Nasty
06-27-2012, 07:31 AM
I was furious when I found my wife's profile on an on-line dating website.

That lying bitch isn't 'fun to be around'.

County Mike
06-27-2012, 01:27 PM
I was furious when I found my wife's profile on an on-line dating website.

That lying bitch isn't 'fun to be around'.

Hahahahahha!

Buc Nasty
06-27-2012, 02:16 PM
Making love to my wife is a bit like the state of English football. I rarely get to a semi.

VCURamFan
06-27-2012, 02:45 PM
Making love to my wife is a bit like the state of English football. I rarely get to a semi.
Ouch. :laugh:

Buc Nasty
06-28-2012, 09:47 AM
Just been stopped by the police because i was driving the wrong way down a one way street, the copper said

"Didn't you see the arrows?"

I said

"Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians."

preach
06-28-2012, 06:41 PM
An officer pulled over a young guy for speeding. Upon getting to the car the cop said I have been waiting here all day for you. The kid in the car said well I got here as fast as I could

Buc Nasty
07-07-2012, 09:42 AM
Just got home and found a note on top of the TV from my girlfriend.
"Sorry, but I don't think this will ever work, I'm leaving."
So I plugged it in, switched it on and there's nothing wrong with it.

-------------------------------------------------------

What are the first 3 words in the Mexican cookbook?
Steal a chicken.

-------------------------------------------------------

There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk.
Up.

Neezar
07-07-2012, 05:32 PM
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair
in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not

choke on his response;
I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot.
I was just wondering if you might be my kid."

Buc Nasty
07-09-2012, 11:22 AM
After Andy Murray's speech, my tearful girlfriend said to me, "Why cant you be more like HIM?".

"What", I said. "Be more sensitive and cry?"

"No", She said. "Come second".

VCURamFan
07-10-2012, 08:53 PM
My dog's stomach wasn't feeling well, so I put him in the car & took him to the vet. On the way there, I hit a cat.

My animal rights activist girlfriend broke up with me after she caught me eating veal wrapped in pita bread.

I also got her pregnant on my sterile uncle's pull-out couch.

MattHughesRocks
07-11-2012, 05:56 AM
I'm confused :unsure-1:

My dog's stomach wasn't feeling well, so I put him in the car & took him to the vet. On the way there, I hit a cat.

My animal rights activist girlfriend broke up with me after she caught me eating veal wrapped in pita bread.

I also got her pregnant on my sterile uncle's pull-out couch.

MattHughesRocks
07-11-2012, 05:58 AM
:laugh:

Just been stopped by the police because i was driving the wrong way down a one way street, the copper said

"Didn't you see the arrows?"

I said

"Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians."

Buc Nasty
07-11-2012, 07:02 AM
My wife and I were in the car, not speaking to each other for hours after a huge fight in the morning.
We passed by a farm, she saw a few pigs and asked me 'Hey, is that your family?'

'Yeah', I replied, 'in law...'

-----------------------------------------------

Women are always saying how men judge a girl based on looks. That's actually true.

Since all women are effing crazy you might as well go for the fit ones.

VCURamFan
07-11-2012, 12:20 PM
I'm confused :unsure-1:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1wbG58vY7k

MattHughesRocks
07-11-2012, 02:04 PM
Kids these days! :laugh:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1wbG58vY7k

Buc Nasty
07-12-2012, 12:48 PM
BBC New say its officially the wettest June/July since records began.

I blame Fifty Shades of Grey.

Buc Nasty
07-13-2012, 01:15 PM
"When I woke up today I was reminded of that film." I told my wife.
"Friday the 13th?" She asked.

"No." I replied, "Predator, now go and put some make up on."

--------------------------------------------------------
I had a wet dream about you last night - I pissed myself laughing when you fell off a cliff.

VCURamFan
07-13-2012, 01:40 PM
"When I woke up today I was reminded of that film." I told my wife.
"Friday the 13th?" She asked.

"No." I replied, "Predator, now go and put some make up on."

--------------------------------------------------------
I had a wet dream about you last night - I pissed myself laughing when you fell off a cliff.
:happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198:

Buc Nasty
08-05-2012, 02:50 PM
'Give it to me, give it to me!'
'I'm getting all wet!' my wife screamed.

I don't care what she says, I'm not giving her my umbrella.

Bonnie
08-05-2012, 05:40 PM
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

:laugh:

Buc Nasty
08-06-2012, 02:09 PM
After seeing how poor the Chinese are in the running events at London 2012, I'm gonna try my luck and not pay for my take-away tonight.

adamt
08-06-2012, 10:51 PM
i noticed there were no mexican athletes in any track and field or swimming events....


then i realized that any mexican that can run, junp or swim is in america

flo
08-07-2012, 01:47 AM
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

:laugh:

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Neezar
08-18-2012, 06:58 PM
George, an atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he
turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no
Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?," as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, and no life after death, when you
don't know ••••?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

flo
08-18-2012, 07:11 PM
:laugh:George, an atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he
turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no
Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?," as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, and no life after death, when you
don't know ••••?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

ROFLMAO!!!! :laugh::laugh::laugh:

Bonnie
08-18-2012, 10:37 PM
George, an atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he
turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no
Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?," as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, and no life after death, when you
don't know ••••?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

:laugh:

VCURamFan
08-19-2012, 03:21 PM
I'll let Andy Griffith handle this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?gl=US&hl=en&client=mv-google&v=oNxLxTZHKM8&nomobile=1

VCURamFan
08-20-2012, 01:57 PM
Today, my mom told me to go outside and water the plants. When I pointed out to her that it was raining, she told me to take an umbrella. FMLhttp://feeds.feedburner.com/%7Er/fmylife/%7E4/kjTN3f1NLeA

Neezar
08-28-2012, 01:29 AM
An elderly retired Game Warden, former Army Bird Dog Pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium.

After he had been there for a week, he went to Confession and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women."

The priest replied, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them Into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

"No," said the priest, "but it will wipe that •••• eatin' grin off your face

VCURamFan
08-29-2012, 01:51 PM
Each August since 1998, Beloit College has released the Beloit College
Mindset List, providing a look at the cultural touchstones that shape the
lives of students entering college this fall. Each year Mikey's Funnies
loves to share it with you:

THE MINDSET LIST FOR THE CLASS OF 2016

For this generation of entering college students, born in 1994, Kurt Cobain, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Richard Nixon and John Wayne Gacy have always been dead.

1. They should keep their eyes open for Justin Bieber or Dakota Fanning at freshman orientation.

2. They have always lived in cyberspace, addicted to a new generation of "electronic narcotics."

3. The Biblical sources of terms such as "Forbidden Fruit," "The writing on the wall," "Good Samaritan," and "The Promised Land" are unknown to most of them.

4. Michael Jackson's family, not the Kennedys, constitutes "American Royalty."

5. If they miss The Daily Show, they can always get their news on YouTube.

6. Their lives have been measured in the fundamental particles of life: bits, bytes, and bauds.

7. Robert De Niro is thought of as Greg Focker's long-suffering father-in-law, not as Vito Corleone or Jimmy Conway.

8. Bill Clinton is a senior statesman of whose presidency they have little knowledge.

9. They have never seen an airplane "ticket."

10. On TV and in films, the ditzy dumb blonde female generally has been replaced by a couple of Dumb and Dumber males.

11. The paradox "too big to fail" has been, for their generation, what "we had to destroy the village in order to save it" was for their grandparents'.

12. For most of their lives, maintaining relations between the U.S. and the rest of the world has been a woman's job in the State Department.

13. They can't picture people actually carrying luggage through airports rather than rolling it.

14. There has always been football in Jacksonville but never in Los Angeles.

15. Having grown up with MP3s and iPods, they never listen to music on the car radio and really have no use for radio at all.

16. Since they've been born, the United States has measured progress by a 2 percent jump in unemployment and a 16 cent rise in the price of a first
class postage stamp.

17. Benjamin Braddock, having given up both a career in plastics and a relationship with Mrs. Robinson, could be their grandfather.

18. Their folks have never gazed with pride on a new set of bound encyclopedias on the bookshelf.

19. The Green Bay Packers have always celebrated with the Lambeau Leap.

20. Exposed bra straps have always been a fashion statement, not a wardrobe malfunction to be corrected quietly by well-meaning friends.

21. A significant percentage of them will enter college already displaying some hearing loss.

22. The Real World has always stopped being polite and started getting real on MTV.

23. Women have always piloted war planes and space shuttles.

24. White House security has never felt it necessary to wear rubber gloves when gay groups have visited.

25. They have lived in an era of instant stardom and self-proclaimed celebrities, famous for being famous.

26. Having made the acquaintance of Furby at an early age, they have expected their toy friends to do ever more unpredictable things.

27. Outdated icons with images of floppy discs for "save," a telephone for "phone," and a snail mail envelope for "mail" have oddly decorated their tablets and smart phone screens.

28. Star Wars has always been just a film, not a defense strategy.

29. They have had to incessantly remind their parents not to refer to their CDs and DVDs as "tapes."

30. There have always been blue M&Ms, but no tan ones.

MattHughesRocks
01-08-2013, 03:57 AM
Wow, no one has been here in ages. Ok so here we go............What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Drum roll please

http://i1267.photobucket.com/albums/jj557/Miss__Priss/Music/Drums/drumroll-1.gif


Nothing! You have already told her....twice!!!!

:w00t:




:applause:


I kill myself!!!! :happy0198:

Bonnie
01-08-2013, 07:47 AM
Wow, no one has been here in ages. Ok so here we go............What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Drum roll please

http://i1267.photobucket.com/albums/jj557/Miss__Priss/Music/Drums/drumroll-1.gif


Nothing! You have already told her....twice!!!!

:w00t:




:applause:


I kill myself!!!! :happy0198:

When I saw "Joke Thread" and your name...I knew it! :laugh:

County Mike
01-08-2013, 09:03 AM
We do need to revive this thread.

Neezar
01-08-2013, 12:04 PM
Okay, here's one a doctor told me to tell my boys. It's stupid but my kids love it. :laugh:

-What's green and has wheels?

-Grass.

-I lied about the wheels.

MattHughesRocks
01-08-2013, 02:47 PM
:rolleyes:


When I saw "Joke Thread" and your name...I knew it! :laugh:

flo
01-08-2013, 08:33 PM
Okay, here's one a doctor told me to tell my boys. It's stupid but my kids love it. :laugh:

-What's green and has wheels?

-Grass.

-I lied about the wheels.

G-R-O-A-N

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

MattHughesRocks
01-09-2013, 01:56 AM
I'm using the grass one at work tomorrow :laugh:

preach
01-09-2013, 04:26 PM
Why did Sara fall out of the swing?







Cause she had no arms!!!!




Knock Knock?






















Not Sara:huh:

Neezar
01-10-2013, 01:38 AM
Why did Sara fall out of the swing?







Cause she had no arms!!!!




Knock Knock?






















Not Sara:huh:

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

MattHughesRocks
01-10-2013, 01:38 AM
Oh dear Preach :laugh:

VCURamFan
01-10-2013, 02:34 AM
Why did Sara fall out of the swing?







Cause she had no arms!!!!




Knock Knock?






















Not Sara:huh:
:happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198:

VCURamFan
01-10-2013, 02:24 PM
Corrections

The New York Times would like to issue corrections for the wedding announcement of Mr. Adam Penview to Ms. Katie Jasper that ran in yesterday’s paper.

We incorrectly identified in the announcement that Mr. Adam Penview and Ms. Katie Jasper were married at the Church of the Holy Trinity in Manhattan. They were married at St. Brigid’s.

Additionally, we inaccurately wrote that the groom “attended Cornell University and double-majored in English and Humping Other English Majors’ Girlfriends.” Mr. Penview, in fact, only majored in English. He did not major in “Humping Other English Majors’ Girlfriends,” as that is not currently an existing track of study at Cornell or any other accredited university.

We erroneously wrote yesterday that Mr. Penview was the “son of Dr. Ryan Penview, a third-generation ophthalmologist, and Mrs. Claire Penview, a Zuckerberg-a** beaver-b****.” Mrs. Penview practiced law in New York State until 2004, and is considered by many to be a friendly and beautiful member of her community, bearing no resemblance whatsoever to Mark Zuckerberg or his rear end. “Beaver-b****” is not a profession.

We mischaracterized the bride as having worn “a peace [sic] of s*** mayonnaise tent. Also, you know how sometimes people see the Virgin Mary in stuff? It was like that, except you could see Hitler in the wedding dress, but specifically because she had hand-embroidered a picture of Hitler in her dress.” In truth, Ms. Jasper wore Amsale.

We incorrectly noted yesterday that the couple met “while the bride was dating the totally devoted and now very successful Assistant New York Times Wedding Section Editor Dan Gould. Dan guesses he just wasn’t good enough for you Katie, because you had to go hump that piece of s*** Adam Penview that you met at the English major mixer while Dan left Ithaca for the weekend to go to his Nana’s 90th birthday in Needham, Mass. Dan even brought you back a hat from the birthday party that said ‘Ethel’s Doin’ It For One Night Only.’ FYI, Adam, it counts as incest if you sleep with another English major’s girlfriend, since English majors are BASICALLY BROTHERS. Nana will live forever!!!” Though factually correct, the New York Times apologizes for the way in which Mr. Penview and Ms. Jasper’s first meeting and relationship history were portrayed. Additionally, the hat actually read “Ethel’s Not 90…She’s 89.95 Plus Tax.” She has since passed.

We wrote that the couple was married by “a dildo with googly eyes, which is the kind of freaky stuff Adam is into.” They were married by Father Norman Murray. Additionally, Mr. Penview is into regular stuff.

Yesterday, we printed that “God Katie sorry I’m writing all this I’ve taken a lot of Robitussin you are so beautiful. You look like a young Nancy Kerrigan. Oh God I love you.” In fact, Mr. Gould had only taken a moderate amount of Robitussin.

We wrote yesterday that “Katie sorry you can’t f***ing deal with my Jew strength you blimp-b****.” Ms. Jasper, in truth, can deal with said Jew strength.

Yesterday, we wrote “Katie, I’m so sorry, oh God, please come back, I think you can get weddings annulled really easily, it’s like a five-second rule type thing. Also Adam, I’m really sorry about all the googly eye stuff, I actually think you’re a pretty good guy, I once had a dream that you were a creature that had your torso and face but a gay man’s body and you saved me from Gwyneth Paltrow in ‘Contagion.’ Granted, I had taken a lot of Robitussin that night, but when I woke up I did feel sincerely indebted to the top-half of you.” I don’t know where to start. The New York Times is just so sorry for this entire paragraph.

Hey just kidding about all these things that we said we retracted, we’re just the dumb ol New York Times what do we know about anything but hard candy and old wrinkly balls!!!!!

We wrote in the paragraph above that “Hey just kidding about all these things that we said we retracted, we’re just the dumb ol New York Times what do we know about anything but hard candy and old wrinkly balls!!!!!” In actuality, Dan Gould just broke back into the Corrections Department and stole the computer that I’m writing this on. He has been promptly escorted from the building and arrested. In addition, The New York Times is an extremely current print newspaper that offers breaking unbiased news and fun crossword puzzles. F*** Dan Gould.

We retract “F*** Dan Gould.”

We apologize for these mistakes.

County Mike
01-10-2013, 02:38 PM
I read that whole thing.


It was worth it.

Neezar
03-14-2013, 08:41 PM
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.


One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.


The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.


Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.


A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.


There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.


Women blink twice as often as men.


The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.


Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.


If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.


Women: will be finished reading this by now.


Men: are still busy checking their thumbs.

VCURamFan
03-14-2013, 09:27 PM
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.


One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.


The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.


Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.


A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.


There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.


Women blink twice as often as men.


The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.


Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.


If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.


Women: will be finished reading this by now.


Men: are still busy checking their thumbs.
Hehehehe :laugh:

County Mike
03-15-2013, 07:29 PM
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but
otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....

Tyburn
03-20-2013, 08:55 PM
Not a Joke...but very funny :laugh:

an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

Dear Sirs,

... I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

Do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my pension book.

It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

It is on my National Health card.

My driving licence.

My car insurance.

On the last eight damn passports I've had.

It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

All those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bull••••!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?

Look at my damn picture.

Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for •••• sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a •••• whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last ••••ing people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another ••••ing copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

You'd rather have us running all over the ••••in' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic ••••in' morons)

Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?

Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..

WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

Neezar
03-21-2013, 01:43 AM
:laugh:

Neezar
03-21-2013, 02:41 PM
http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i47/neezar086/holiday/easter_zps3f18a1ea.jpg

Neezar
03-21-2013, 02:43 PM
http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i47/neezar086/holiday/1eggslut.jpg

Silverback
03-21-2013, 03:55 PM
Sneezar you crack me up......:w00t::frantics::tongue0011:not

Tyburn
05-03-2013, 06:02 PM
Some Funny...but really naughty...slightly racist in places...and unfortunately, totally true...public statements from His Royal Highness, The Queens Consort, Prince Philip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzc02xxdNQ

Neezar
07-31-2013, 03:44 PM
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.

County Mike
08-01-2013, 01:32 PM
Hahaha Very funny!

Now show us your boobs.

VCURamFan
09-23-2013, 01:46 PM
This is from a daily newsletter my Dad gets (and occasionally forwards) called "Mikey's Funnies":

TRUE QUOTES ABOUT SCIENCE FROM KIDS
Part 1

~ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

~ You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to
getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

~ When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

~ When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.

~ While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

~ Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change
into a sun in the daytime.

~ A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

~ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to
become oil.

~ Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

~ Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have
never been able to make out the numbers.

~ We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

~ I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

~ In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

~ Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

~ Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill
the strongest man.

~ Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

~ Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live
in other places.

Bonnie
09-23-2013, 02:24 PM
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.

:laugh:

VCURamFan
09-23-2013, 02:55 PM
What do you say to a woman with two black-eyes?

County Mike
09-23-2013, 02:55 PM
A man has a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to operate one at a time.

VCURamFan
10-08-2013, 12:51 PM
This is from a daily newsletter my Dad gets (and occasionally forwards) called "Mikey's Funnies":

TRUE QUOTES ABOUT SCIENCE FROM KIDS
Part 1

~ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

~ You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to
getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

~ When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

~ When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.

~ While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

~ Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change
into a sun in the daytime.

~ A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

~ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to
become oil.

~ Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

~ Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have
never been able to make out the numbers.

~ We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

~ I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

~ In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

~ Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

~ Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill
the strongest man.

~ Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

~ Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live
in other places.
TRUE QUOTES ABOUT SCIENCE FROM KIDS
Part 2

~ H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

~ To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

~ Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water.

~ Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

~ Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

~ Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration.

~ The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.

~ Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire.

~ Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.

~ The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.

~ The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the
outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to
hitch meat to.

~ A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two
molars, and eight cuspidors.

~ The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards
the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

~ A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

~ Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

~ Liter: A nest of young puppies.

~ Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

~ Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

~ Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

~ Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

~ Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.

~ Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or
negative.

~ To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

~ For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart
stops.

~ For dog bite put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered,
then kill it.

~ For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your
throat.

~ To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Tyburn
11-12-2013, 05:44 PM
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realizing he sent the mail to a widow who has just returned from her husbsnd's funeral. The widow decided to check her mails,expecting condolences messeges from relatives and friends. After reading the first sms she fainted. Her... son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: TO my loving wife, I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send mails to our loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Expecting you soon my darling. I can't wait to see you!!!

:laugh::laugh:

MattHughesRocks
11-13-2013, 03:26 AM
Hey! That's mine! :angry:


What do you say to a woman with two black-eyes?

Neezar
06-26-2014, 05:31 PM
Where are we going? And why are we in a handbasket?

MattHughesRocks
06-27-2014, 03:37 AM
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

NOTHING! You've already told her TWICE! :fight:




:tongue0011:


:laugh:

VCURamFan
08-20-2014, 05:51 PM
What did the Daddy Bucket say when the Baby Bucket was sick?

"You're looking a little pail..."

VCURamFan
08-22-2014, 02:39 PM
One day, a teacher was trying to teach her students a new word. To test them, she asked, “Who can use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence?”

Sally eagerly raised her hand. “The sky is definitely blue,” she beamed.

“Almost right,” said the teacher, “But the sky could also be gray if there’s a storm.”

Adam tried next. “The grass is definitely green,” he ventured.

“Very close,” said the teacher, “But the grass could also be brown if there’s no water.”

Finally, Little Johnny raised his hand. Dreading what he might say, the teacher called on him.

“Teacher, do farts have lumps?”

“What? No!” she exclaimed, “Little Johnny, that’s a very inappropriate question to ask! Why would you say that??”

“Yeeaaahhh,” Little John responded, “I definitely $h!t my pants…”