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flo
02-19-2010, 05:18 PM
> >
> > HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE
> > AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS
> > ONE;
> >
> >
> >
> > MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR
> > MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
> >
> > I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL
> > NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE
> > SAME
> > NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
> >
> > COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY
> > BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH
> > THOUGHT.
> > THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD
> > TO
> > HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
> >
> > AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED
> > MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
> >
> > 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
> >
> > 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
> >
> > HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
> >
> > 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
> >
> > HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD,
> > WRINKLED
> > FACED, FAT, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, MAN ASKED,
> >
> > 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???'
> >
> >

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh: I'm definitely passing this one on :-)

surveyorshawn
02-19-2010, 11:00 PM
:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh: I'm definitely passing this one on :-)

Yeah, I had to put that one on facebook myself, lol!

surveyorshawn
02-21-2010, 04:16 PM
A couple gets a divorce and are in court fighting for the custody of the children. The judge asks each of them to defend their reasoning for their right to sole custody.
The woman begins, "The children are mine! I carried them for 9 months in MY body and spent hours in labor birthing them! He didn't really do anything!" The judge nods thoughtfully, recognizing the validity of her reasoning, and asks for the man's defense.
The man thinks for a minute and replies, "Your honor, if you put a dollar into a drink machine and out pops a coke, who does that coke belong to, you or the machine?"
:Whistle:

VCURamFan
02-21-2010, 04:33 PM
A couple gets a divorce and are in court fighting for the custody of the children. The judge asks each of them to defend their reasoning for their right to sole custody.
The woman begins, "The children are mine! I carried them for 9 months in MY body and spent hours in labor birthing them! He didn't really do anything!" The judge nods thoughtfully, recognizing the validity of her reasoning, and asks for the man's defense.
The man thinks for a minute and replies, "Your honor, if you put a dollar into a drink machine and out pops a coke, who does that coke belong to, you or the machine?"
:Whistle:

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

surveyorshawn
02-21-2010, 08:01 PM
http://i634.photobucket.com/albums/uu62/akshunter70/RedneckTimeOut.jpg

Redneck Time Out

surveyorshawn
02-21-2010, 10:17 PM
Hey guys, I'm considering shaving my back, what do you think?

http://i634.photobucket.com/albums/uu62/akshunter70/hairy_back.jpg

County Mike
02-21-2010, 11:12 PM
Hey guys, I'm considering shaving my back, what do you think?

http://i634.photobucket.com/albums/uu62/akshunter70/hairy_back.jpg

You should shave your name into your back. The girls would go crazy for that!

surveyorshawn
02-21-2010, 11:29 PM
You should shave your name into your back. The girls would go crazy for that!

Cool!! "D-A-V-E" That would be awesome!!:happydancing::laugh::laugh::laugh:

Silverback
02-22-2010, 12:48 AM
[/SIZE]You should shave your name into your back. The girls would go crazy for that!

You got a weed eater:Whistle::Whistle::Whistle:

surveyorshawn
02-22-2010, 12:52 AM
[/SIZE]

You got a weed eater:Whistle::Whistle::Whistle:

No, but I have a bush hog! :wink:

Silverback
02-22-2010, 01:01 AM
No, but I have a bush hog! :wink:

That will do, start it up:laugh::laugh::laugh:

VCURamFan
02-22-2010, 03:17 AM
http://i634.photobucket.com/albums/uu62/akshunter70/RedneckTimeOut.jpg

Redneck Time Out

Strange...that's not the pic that used to be here! :Whistle:

surveyorshawn
02-22-2010, 03:20 AM
Strange...that's not the pic that used to be here! :Whistle:

I dont know what you're talking about.....:ninja:

VCURamFan
02-22-2010, 03:23 AM
I dont know what you're talking about.....:ninja:

You're lucky I hadn't thought of anything witty yet, otherwise I would have quoted it &...:frantics:

surveyorshawn
02-22-2010, 03:30 AM
You're lucky I hadn't thought of anything witty yet, otherwise I would have quoted it &...:frantics:

Yeah, I know I was almost not fast enough on the draw getting that one down! After I thought about it, I figured it was one thing to tell a joke that had sexual connotations in it, but it was quite another thing to post an illustrated one....:doh:

VCURamFan
02-22-2010, 03:36 AM
Yeah, I know I was almost not fast enough on the draw getting that one down! After I thought about it, I figured it was one thing to tell a joke that had sexual connotations in it, but it was quite another thing to post an illustrated one....:doh:

Yeah, good call. Glad you took it down, then, before I took it too far! :scared0011:

surveyorshawn
02-22-2010, 03:43 AM
Yeah, good call. Glad you took it down, then, before I took it too far! :scared0011:

Well, I could send it to you and you could put it up, lololol!! .....of course I would have to edit out this post and deny all knowledge of it:ninja:

County Mike
02-22-2010, 12:20 PM
You mean I missed something? Dang!

surveyorshawn
02-22-2010, 01:36 PM
You mean I missed something? Dang!

Not a thing......:Whistle:

surveyorshawn
02-22-2010, 10:45 PM
Red Neck Fire Alarm

http://i634.photobucket.com/albums/uu62/akshunter70/Redneckfirealarm.jpg

surveyorshawn
02-22-2010, 10:53 PM
A couple of naughty ones....

http://i634.photobucket.com/albums/uu62/akshunter70/Cameltoe.jpg

http://i634.photobucket.com/albums/uu62/akshunter70/Plug.gif

VCURamFan
02-22-2010, 11:04 PM
Red Neck Fire Alarm

http://i634.photobucket.com/albums/uu62/akshunter70/Redneckfirealarm.jpg

Now that's hilarious!!! :laugh::laugh::laugh:

Twinsmama
02-24-2010, 02:06 PM
A teenage boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father as
to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a
C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll
talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and
they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and
I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you
haven't gotten your hair cut.'

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in
my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long
hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long
hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they
went?'

County Mike
02-24-2010, 02:47 PM
To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they
went?'

:laugh:

Twinsmama
02-25-2010, 04:46 PM
Mac....weren't you cold
http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv40/twinsmamaMILF/download.jpg

Silverback
02-25-2010, 04:50 PM
Mac....weren't you cold
http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv40/twinsmamaMILF/download.jpg

Mac, Samon does swim up stream. Headline,'MAC WINS THE GOLD":Whistle::Whistle::Whistle:

MattHughesRocks
02-25-2010, 04:51 PM
That picture cracks me up to no end:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Silverback
02-25-2010, 04:52 PM
Mac, Samon does swim up stream. Headline,'MAC WINS THE GOLD":Whistle::Whistle::Whistle:

Next headline, "Mac loses something for a week".:tongue0011::tongue0011::tongue0011:

MattHughesRocks
02-25-2010, 04:52 PM
:laugh:

Blade
02-25-2010, 05:03 PM
NEWSFLASH : Two homosexual muslims have exploded whilst having sex. Police think they were suicide bummers.

Mac
02-26-2010, 02:26 AM
Mac....weren't you cold
http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv40/twinsmamaMILF/download.jpg

Hey by golly , I was just tryin to get into the winter Olympics spirit.

Dont Hate on me , Next week i plan on medaling in the Nude Bobsled run , only we dont use a bob sled , Got the hood offun a 63 volkswagen bug.

Silverback
02-26-2010, 03:18 AM
Hey by golly , I was just tryin to get into the winter Olympics spirit.

Dont Hate on me , Next week i plan on medaling in the Nude Bobsled run , only we dont use a bob sled , Got the hood offun a 63 volkswagen bug.

War Mac:punch::punch::punch:

Twinsmama
03-01-2010, 03:50 PM
A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted
A refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her
That he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started
Screaming,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
In front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her
That he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'
Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying
That?' ! ;
In a huff, the woman says,
'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!'
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

County Mike
03-01-2010, 04:01 PM
I think I know that woman. ;)

County Mike
03-02-2010, 01:10 PM
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing
on the sidewalk in front of her home.. Next to her was a basket containing
a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up
beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there, little girl, I'm President Obama.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes
aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned
to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and
the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men
agreed that the president should return the next day, and, in front of the
assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on
the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade
pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set
up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you
would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving
away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered,
"But... but... yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But
today, they have their eyes open."

Tyburn
03-02-2010, 05:58 PM
:laugh: ahahahahahahahahaha :laugh:

Twinsmama
03-04-2010, 05:12 PM
Are you a Democrat, Republican or a Southerner?


Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?



THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:


Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
This is all so confusing!



Republican's Answer:

BANG!


Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

Silverback
03-06-2010, 08:25 PM
Man of the House
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe... Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.'
:tongue0011::tongue0011::tongue0011:

Twinsmama
03-08-2010, 03:39 PM
A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats.

MattHughesRocks
03-08-2010, 03:52 PM
See? The woman wears the diamonds...and the pants :mischievous:

Man of the House
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe... Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.'
:tongue0011::tongue0011::tongue0011:

VCURamFan
03-08-2010, 04:00 PM
A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Mac raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Mac, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Mac replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats.

Fixed.

Twinsmama
03-09-2010, 04:31 PM
http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv40/twinsmamaMILF/emails/monkey.jpg

Silverback
03-09-2010, 10:16 PM
http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv40/twinsmamaMILF/emails/monkey.jpg

Mac's best side:tongue0011::tongue0011::tongue0011:

MattHughesRocks
03-12-2010, 02:23 AM
What do you call a man with one black eye?

Silverback!:laugh:

:happydancing:

rearnakedchoke
03-18-2010, 03:39 PM
Since the topic of healthcare is a hot topic, I figured I will post this ... it may have been posted, but I am not going to go through and find it .......

So Who Has the best Doctors in the World????

A Russian doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced
we can take half a heart out of one person put it in another and have
them both looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out
of one person put it in another and have him looking for work in
four weeks."

An Israeli doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced
that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have
him looking for work in two weeks".

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are
way behind. We just took a man with no brains out of Chicago, put
him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work!"

rockdawg21
03-23-2010, 12:43 PM
I don't really consider this a "joke" but here goes...

A Short Spelling Lesson

The last four letters in American............I CAN
The last four letters in Republican..........I CAN
The last four letters in Democrats..........RATS

End of Lesson!

Neezar
03-25-2010, 04:41 AM
Mark decided to put a flag pole up at his place. One day he was showing off his flag pole to his friends, Mac and Nate. About that time a county inspector pulled up, got out of his truck and walked up to the men admiring this flag pole.

Inspector clears throat, pulls up pants which makes them about 3 inches too short

Inspector Silverback: Sir, I hate to tell you this but the county passed an ordinance that states that you can't have any signs or objects above 40 feet this close to the road because it distracts drivers. It would be a safety hazzard. Soooo, you are going to have to take that flag down or I will have to write you a citation.

Mark who still hasn't looked away from the flag or even acknowledged the man's presence pushes a curl back out of his eyes and slowly turns to face the man. His arms are loosely hanging at his sides and all outward appearances would say that Mark is calm without a worry in the world. Nate knows better. Mac leans back and there is a slight movement in his belly. He may just be snickering. No one knows for sure.

Mark: (cool, even tone) This flag pole isn't 40 feet tall.

Inspector: Well now, you are just going to have to prove that it isn't 40 foot tall. Or else I will have to write you a citation and the courts will force you to remove your flag.

Nate spots the red creeping up Mark's neck.

Nate: Mark, do you still have the paperwork that came with the pole.
Mark: No.
Nate: (rolls eyes and sighs) How many times have I told you to keep the paperwork for everything for a while and electronics at least 2 years or until the warranty runs out.
Mac: Hell no! You always keep the paperwork as long as you have it. Keep the box it came in, too. That way if you sell it on Ebay you will get more money. Doesn't matter what kind of shape it's in, people just pay more if you have the papers and the box it came in. It's the damnedest thing.

Mac puts hands in front pockets, smiling and rocking back and forth on heels. Obviously proud of himself for this little gold nugget of wisdom he has just imparted.

Inspector: Looks like I will be writing that citation after all.

Inspector removes citation book and flips it open.
Nate mentally listing places he can come up with quick bond money.

Mark: Hold on just a minute here. What do you expect me to do? Shimmey (sp?) up this flag pole with a tape measure and measure it?

This gives Mac and idea.

Mac: Hang on! I have a 50' rope in the back of my truck. I will tie it to my waist, climb to the top and we will measure it that way.

Mac goes to truck. And returns with rope.

Nate: I have a bad feeling about this.

Mac starts up the pole and at about 3/4 of the way he is sweating and getting tired. He loses his grip and slides all the way to the bottom. Not to be bested, he starts up the pole again. This time he gets half way up the pole only to slide to the ground once again.

Denise who is visiting with Mark's wife comes out on front porch.

Denise: Why don't you just loosen the bolts on the base, lay the pole over on the ground and measure it?

Mark: Denise, this is men talking here. Now go on back in the kitchen and do women stuff.

Denise rolls her eyes, shakes her head and returns into house.

Mark: That is the dumbest woman that I have ever met! We are trying to see how tall this pole is, not how long it is.


......................................

Notice: The names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent. lol

County Mike
03-25-2010, 12:12 PM
That joke would have sucked if I couldn't picture the forum guys being part of it. "Keep the paperwork and box it came in" was my favorite part.

Neezar
03-25-2010, 01:32 PM
That joke would have sucked if I couldn't picture the forum guys being part of it. "Keep the paperwork and box it came in" was my favorite part.

:laugh: I know!

Tyburn
03-25-2010, 01:56 PM
Mark: That is the dumbest woman that I have ever met! We are trying to see how tall this pole is, not how long it is.



:laugh:

MattHughesRocks
03-25-2010, 05:05 PM
"pushes a curl back out of his eyes"

:happy0198:

Mac
03-29-2010, 03:19 PM
Dammer , i think i need to read in this thread more often lol.

rockdawg21
03-31-2010, 12:56 PM
G.R.I.P. - Get Rid of Incumbent Politicians.
PLEASE READ TO THE END.....

1 . Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart Every hour of every day.
2.. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private Employer, and most speak English.
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World.
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 Years ago.
11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur At a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 Billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.

You may think that I am complaining, but I am really laying the ground work for suggesting that MAYBE we should hire the guys who run Wal-Mart to Fix the economy.

This should be read and understood by all Americans

Democrats, Republicans, EVERYONE!!

To President Obama and all 535 voting members of the Legislature,
It is now official you are ALL corrupt morons:

* The U.S. Post Service was established in 1775. You have had 234 years to get it right and it is broke.
* Social Security was established in 1935. You have had 74 years to get it right and it is broke.
* Fannie Mae was established in 1938. You have had 71 years to get it right and it is broke.
* War on Poverty started in 1964. You have had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our money is confiscated each year and transferred to "the poor" and they only want more.
* Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965. You have had 44 years to get it right and they are broke.
* Freddie Mac was established in 1970. You have had 39 years to get it right and it is broke.
* The Department of Energy was created in 1977 to lessen our dependence on foreign oil. It has ballooned to 16,000 employees with a budget of $24 billion a year and we import more oil than ever before. You had 32 years to get it right and it is an abysmal failure.

You have FAILED in every "government service" you have shoved down our throats while overspending our tax dollars
AND YOU WANT AMERICANS TO BELIEVE YOU CAN BE TRUSTED WITH A GOVERNMENT-RUN HEALTH CARE SYSTEM??

Keep this circulating. It is well stated. Maybe it will end up in the e-mails of some of our "duly elected' and their staff (they never read anything) will clue them in on how Americans feel.

Tyburn
03-31-2010, 06:15 PM
Not sure point 6 is completely true.

Wal-Mart already runs a Country size economy.

billwilliams70
03-31-2010, 06:21 PM
Demetri Martin once said, “I think bears and worms are not very similiar…until you think gummi, then they’re very similiar.”

I laughed pretty hard at that one.

Later.

rearnakedchoke
04-04-2010, 11:21 PM
G.R.I.P. - Get Rid of Incumbent Politicians.
PLEASE READ TO THE END.....

1 . Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart Every hour of every day.
2.. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private Employer, and most speak English.
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World.
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 Years ago.
11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur At a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 Billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.

You may think that I am complaining, but I am really laying the ground work for suggesting that MAYBE we should hire the guys who run Wal-Mart to Fix the economy.

This should be read and understood by all Americans

Democrats, Republicans, EVERYONE!!

To President Obama and all 535 voting members of the Legislature,
It is now official you are ALL corrupt morons:

* The U.S. Post Service was established in 1775. You have had 234 years to get it right and it is broke.
* Social Security was established in 1935. You have had 74 years to get it right and it is broke.
* Fannie Mae was established in 1938. You have had 71 years to get it right and it is broke.
* War on Poverty started in 1964. You have had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our money is confiscated each year and transferred to "the poor" and they only want more.
* Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965. You have had 44 years to get it right and they are broke.
* Freddie Mac was established in 1970. You have had 39 years to get it right and it is broke.
* The Department of Energy was created in 1977 to lessen our dependence on foreign oil. It has ballooned to 16,000 employees with a budget of $24 billion a year and we import more oil than ever before. You had 32 years to get it right and it is an abysmal failure.

You have FAILED in every "government service" you have shoved down our throats while overspending our tax dollars
AND YOU WANT AMERICANS TO BELIEVE YOU CAN BE TRUSTED WITH A GOVERNMENT-RUN HEALTH CARE SYSTEM??

Keep this circulating. It is well stated. Maybe it will end up in the e-mails of some of our "duly elected' and their staff (they never read anything) will clue them in on how Americans feel.

You forgot the US military that is gov't run and a disaster also ... oh wait, the US military is the greatest in the world and also government run??? no, can't be ...

Neezar
04-05-2010, 01:59 AM
You forgot the US military that is gov't run and a disaster also ... oh wait, the US military is the greatest in the world and also government run??? no, can't be ...
If you only knew.....:rolleyes:

rockdawg21
04-07-2010, 03:01 AM
WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY


Don't forget to mark your calendars.


As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide. So next Saturday at 1 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.


Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America !


P.S.. It is your patriotic duty to inform others. If you don't send to at least 1 person, you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are possible aiding and abetting terrorists.

Black Mamba
04-11-2010, 09:13 PM
I am so passing that on. :laugh::laugh:

Some college humor links...

http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/collegejokes/chemlab.shtml

http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/collegejokes/gradechange.shtml

http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/collegejokes/sexsurvey.shtml

http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/collegejokes/collegetoolong.shtml

http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/collegejokes/collegedrinkers.shtml

http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/collegejokes/profkiss.shtml

http://www.humorbin.com/showitem.asp?item=656

Girls are like finals because...
-you'd rather get an easy one.
-you get in a lot of trouble if you get caught cheating on one.
-if you are drunk when you do one, it takes a lot longer to finish.
-the less they have on them the better.
-if you have more than one scheduled at the same time, you have a problem.
-nothing about them makes any ****ing sense.
-they just lie there & you have to do all the work.
-when you are done you get up & leave.

rockdawg21
05-15-2010, 12:45 AM
Children begin to identify LifeSavers candy flavors by color…

Red-Cherry
Yellow-Lemon
Green-Lime
Orange-Orange

Finally the teacher gave all the students a honey flavor one. They all could not identify the flavor….

The teacher said I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mom calls your dad sometimes.
One little girl spat the candy in horror! Oh my gosh!!! They’re ASSHOLES!!!

surveyorshawn
05-27-2010, 01:03 AM
Need a hired hand

---if you happen to know some one------hee hee hee


The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he
was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true..
Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the
sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an
eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker
tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to
help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued,
'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.

Don't ever underestimate old Guys

flo
05-27-2010, 03:36 AM
Need a hired hand

---if you happen to know some one------hee hee hee


The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he
was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true..
Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the
sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an
eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker
tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to
help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued,
'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.

Don't ever underestimate old Guys

Shawn, :laugh: :laugh:

flo
05-27-2010, 03:40 AM
OK, here's one back at ya...

The spoon:


A lesson on how consultants can make a Difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.


It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.


Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'


'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.

After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.

It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.


If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'


As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.


I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.


Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,

'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'


"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.


By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.


I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'


'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

MattHughesRocks
05-27-2010, 06:30 AM
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing! You've already told her twice!:w00t:

:laugh::laugh::happy0198:

County Mike
05-27-2010, 11:52 AM
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing! You've already told her twice!:w00t:

:laugh::laugh::happy0198:

That one never gets old. :Whistle:

The "hired hand" joke was a good one. I think we need a hired hand to help take care of the baby and the house. Maybe a "hand that rocks the cradle" type of hottie.

(without the insanity)

Silverback
05-27-2010, 12:32 PM
[QUOTE=County Mike

The "hired hand" joke was a good one. I think we need a hired hand to help take care of the baby and the house. Maybe a "hand that rocks the cradle" type of hottie.

(without the insanity)[/QUOTE]

Careful, what you wish for!!!! Dont always turn out the way you intended...:ninja::ninja::ninja:

VCURamFan
05-27-2010, 02:47 PM
Hahahahaha, those are all hilarious!! :laugh:

Spiritwalker
06-03-2010, 12:19 PM
Warning: This could be offensive if you choose to take it that way. It is meant to be funny, so relax....

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon

Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a....


Ees a ham bush...."


"SO SORRY - I know there is something wrong with me for sending you this. Just couldn't help it! The little voices made me do it !!! And I bet you tried to do the accent, didn't you? I know you did!"

Neezar
06-03-2010, 12:29 PM
That one never gets old. :Whistle:

The "hired hand" joke was a good one. I think we need a hired hand to help take care of the baby and the house. Maybe a "hand that rocks the cradle" type of hottie.

(without the insanity)

Careful, what you wish for!!!! Dont always turn out the way you intended...:ninja::ninja::ninja:

Yeah, sometimes the dish runs away with the spoon! :laugh:

Neezar
06-03-2010, 12:29 PM
What did the fish say when he ran into a concrete wall?

"Dam!"

rockdawg21
06-03-2010, 12:42 PM
California vs. Texas

Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.

A coyote jumps out and attacks dog.

California:

#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.

#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.

#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.

#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.

#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.

#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.

#8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene.

#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.

#10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.


Texas:

#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.

Any wonder why California is broke????

Tyburn
06-05-2010, 04:36 PM
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A
friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.
Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is
how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is with my neighbours.
They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have
a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does
my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

VCURamFan
07-09-2010, 09:23 PM
Now that I work in the corporate world & have a few "special friends" who daily make my life harder because they refuse to follow the simple steps everyone else seems to have easily mastered, I have a greater appreciation for this man's methods!! :laugh:


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster
Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.
http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/39/2010/07/340x_image1.jpg
This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster
Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news.
Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster
yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Dear Shannon,
I never said I don't like cats. Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David.
http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/39/2010/07/340x_image2.jpg


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Dear Shannon,
It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.
http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/39/2010/07/340x_image3.jpg



From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/39/2010/07/340x_image4.jpg



From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww
Dear Shannon,
I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter. I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.
http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/39/2010/07/340x_image5.jpg



From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww
Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww
I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww
Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/39/2010/07/340x_image6.jpg



From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/39/2010/07/340x_image7.jpg



From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/39/2010/07/340x_image8.jpg



From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
Fine. That will have to do.

TexasRN
07-09-2010, 09:30 PM
Ben, I am almost in tears laughing at this. Of course I am the one at work playing online and looking out my window right now so the humor really hit home. :laugh:


~Amy

VCURamFan
07-09-2010, 09:37 PM
Ben, I am almost in tears laughing at this. Of course I am the one at work playing online and looking out my window right now so the humor really hit home. :laugh:


~Amy
I know, right? :laugh:

I don't feel as bad, though, because I had to chop my lunch in half to get a ridiculous amount of checks rushed out the door before the weekend. :frantics:

I'm just enjoying the 2nd half of my lunch break at the very end of my day! :happydancing:

County Mike
07-10-2010, 12:39 AM
That is great. Apparently, David Thorne wasn't really too worried about getting his real work done. It's a good trick at work to way over-estimate how long something will take.

Boss: Mike, can you get those changes in within the next couple of weeks?
Me: (Thinking it will take about a day) Yeah, I think so.

Two days later, it's already done.
Boss: How's that project coming along.
Me: I'm getting there. Hopefully can get it done in time.
(back to facebook/MHF)

flo
07-10-2010, 05:33 AM
Ben, that was wonderful, lololol!!!

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Bonnie
07-10-2010, 07:08 AM
:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

That was great, Ben! I'm like Amy...wiping my eyes. The more I scrolled, the harder I laughed. :laugh:

MattHughesRocks
07-10-2010, 07:14 AM
:laugh:

:huh:



:unsure-1:



:laugh::laugh::laugh:

What did the fish say when he ran into a concrete wall?

"Dam!"

TexasRN
07-11-2010, 01:01 PM
I know, right? :laugh:

I don't feel as bad, though, because I had to chop my lunch in half to get a ridiculous amount of checks rushed out the door before the weekend. :frantics:

I'm just enjoying the 2nd half of my lunch break at the very end of my day! :happydancing:


I actually do a lot of work, I'm just fast at it. Plus, I'm really good at time management and organization. But I do spend time playing online and looking out the window. I look out over a dangerous intersection and cars are constantly almost hitting each other and honking and squealing brakes and yelling and every now and then they wreck! :laugh:


~Amy

Bonnie
07-11-2010, 05:13 PM
Ben, I just had my husband read the "poster"; he was laughing so hard I thought he was going to fall out of the chair. :laugh:

I'm wiping my eyes again (he was too!) :laugh:

Tyburn
07-11-2010, 11:43 PM
"Human beings are sufficiently unequal in strengh and skill that if you put them into an unlimited contest for possessions, some will not only get more than others, but will get control of the means of labor to which the others must have access. The others then cannot be fully human even in the restricted sense of being able to get possessions, let alone in the original sense of being able to use their faculties in purposive creative activity. So in choosing to make the essence of man the striving for possessions, we make it impossible for many men to be fully human."

:laugh:

County Mike
07-12-2010, 12:00 PM
"Human beings are sufficiently unequal in strengh and skill that if you put them into an unlimited contest for possessions, some will not only get more than others, but will get control of the means of labor to which the others must have access. The others then cannot be fully human even in the restricted sense of being able to get possessions, let alone in the original sense of being able to use their faculties in purposive creative activity. So in choosing to make the essence of man the striving for possessions, we make it impossible for many men to be fully human."

:laugh:

Was that supposed to be in the joke thread?

TexasRN
07-12-2010, 04:29 PM
Was that supposed to be in the joke thread?



I think that's an example of "British Humor".....:unsure-1:



~Amy

VCURamFan
07-12-2010, 05:07 PM
I actually do a lot of work, I'm just fast at it. Plus, I'm really good at time management and organization. But I do spend time playing online and looking out the window. I look out over a dangerous intersection and cars are constantly almost hitting each other and honking and squealing brakes and yelling and every now and then they wreck! :laugh:


~Amy
Yeah, me too. I've got check runs at 8:30am, 10am, lunch at 11:30am, another run at 1pm, & need to get them all authorized, signed, stuffed & in the mail by 3pm. :frantics:

After that, things slow down a lot, so usually, I'm able to get on here during my lunch hour & after about 3:30ish.

VCURamFan
07-12-2010, 05:08 PM
I think that's an example of "British Humor".....:unsure-1:



~Amy
O, so it was an oxymoron, like "academic fraternity". :laugh:

Dethbob
07-12-2010, 05:47 PM
I think that's an example of "British Humor".....:unsure-1:



~Amy

It’s a quote from an anti-American communist think tank. I think posting it on a joke thread is actually pretty funny!

MattHughesRocks
07-13-2010, 03:52 AM
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing! Youve already told her twice!

:mellow:






:laugh:





:duck:

County Mike
07-13-2010, 11:50 AM
I think I've heard that one before. :)

surveyorshawn
07-14-2010, 04:03 PM
Joke of the year:

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business......

Neezar
07-15-2010, 02:21 PM
Here is my 5 year old's joke of the day:

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence!

:laugh: (Sorry but you have to laugh. It is from a 5 year old. lol)


My 7 year old's (:unsure-1:have no idea where he got it) (read it out loud, lol)

"You must be from Tennessee 'cause you are the only ten I see".

:laugh:

MattHughesRocks
07-15-2010, 04:39 PM
:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Here is my 5 year old's joke of the day:

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence!

:laugh: (Sorry but you have to laugh. It is from a 5 year old. lol)


My 7 year old's (:unsure-1:have no idea where he got it) (read it out loud, lol)

"You must be from Tennessee 'cause you are the only ten I see".

:laugh:

Twinsmama
07-15-2010, 04:49 PM
Joke of the year:

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business......

:laugh::laugh::laugh: That would NEVER happen!!:laugh:

philips4
07-16-2010, 05:37 AM
The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.


http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz165/philips4/cid_1_477893102web36703_mail_mud_ya.jpg



It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

And the Laundromat - three minutes after entering I had my
choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's, the whole crew got up and left and l never got my order.

philips4
07-16-2010, 05:40 AM
One of my favorites! :laugh:

http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz165/philips4/qTDYK0gLnDEAoVasas.jpg

TexasRN
07-16-2010, 12:10 PM
The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.


http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz165/philips4/cid_1_477893102web36703_mail_mud_ya.jpg



It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

And the Laundromat - three minutes after entering I had my
choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's, the whole crew got up and left and l never got my order.


:happy0198:

Christie!!!! :laugh::laugh::laugh:


~Amy

County Mike
07-16-2010, 12:30 PM
The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.


http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz165/philips4/cid_1_477893102web36703_mail_mud_ya.jpg



It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

And the Laundromat - three minutes after entering I had my
choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's, the whole crew got up and left and l never got my order.

That one's awesome. I might have to re-post on facebook or something.

philips4
07-17-2010, 12:39 AM
That one's awesome. I might have to re-post on facebook or something.

hee hee, well I wasn't sure how sensitive people are on here but I LOVED it, I really want to try it! ha ha! Amy, maybe you should have your boyfriend come visit you at work one day with that and see if you suddenly have a lot of free time! :) Especially after reading your uninsured patients stories!! :banghead:

rockdawg21
07-17-2010, 02:57 PM
Full View
Doctors
...
From:
Jeff <jeffrey40@yahoo.com> [Chat now]
...
View Contact
To:
An ISRAELI doctor says,
"Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A GERMAN doctor says,
"That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A RUSSIAN doctor says.
"In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

An ILLINOIS doctor, says.
"You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of ILLINOIS , put him in the White House and within SIX MONTHS, half the COUNTRY is looking for work."

VCURamFan
07-19-2010, 09:41 PM
The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.


http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz165/philips4/cid_1_477893102web36703_mail_mud_ya.jpg



It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

And the Laundromat - three minutes after entering I had my
choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's, the whole crew got up and left and l never got my order.

One of my favorites! :laugh:

http://i824.photobucket.com/albums/zz165/philips4/qTDYK0gLnDEAoVasas.jpg
:happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198:

Tyburn
08-10-2010, 08:09 PM
its not a joke, but it did make me giggle. Jens is sneezing a bit this evening, I think its because I've just cleaned out the finch cage and its a bit dusty for want of a better word, feathers and husks and the likes. Anyway, I thought I'd just look up on the internet what to look out for with sneezes, thankfully with Jens its nothing I'm sure...but I came across the following that made me laugh...at the thought of it. Coz sometimes it sounds like I have hundreds of finches because the finches beep so often the budgies are begining to make finch noises as well as their own :laugh:


With 9 parrots in my house, if someone has a cold, it sounds like a hospital ward with all of them "coughing, sneezing and clearing their throats".

Twinsmama
08-11-2010, 03:45 PM
Two Great White sharks, were swimming around in the ocean and they spied the survivors of a sunken ship in the water.


"Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all right at the first? Why did we swim around and around them before we ate them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the **** inside …"

County Mike
08-11-2010, 04:58 PM
Good one. As the son was asking the question, I was thinking that might be the answer. Makes perfect sense to me. :)

Play The Man
08-11-2010, 10:39 PM
its not a joke, but it did make me giggle. Jens is sneezing a bit this evening, I think its because I've just cleaned out the finch cage and its a bit dusty for want of a better word, feathers and husks and the likes. Anyway, I thought I'd just look up on the internet what to look out for with sneezes, thankfully with Jens its nothing I'm sure...but I came across the following that made me laugh...at the thought of it. Coz sometimes it sounds like I have hundreds of finches because the finches beep so often the budgies are begining to make finch noises as well as their own :laugh:


With 9 parrots in my house, if someone has a cold, it sounds like a hospital ward with all of them "coughing, sneezing and clearing their throats".

Do you wear a mask when cleaning the cage? Please be careful! You are at risk for "Bird Fancier's Lung":scared0011: Unfortunately, I am not kidding.


I watch a lot of "House". :ninja:

Tyburn
08-11-2010, 10:49 PM
Do you wear a mask when cleaning the cage? Please be careful! You are at risk for "Bird Fancier's Lung":scared0011: Unfortunately, I am not kidding.


I watch a lot of "House". :ninja:

:blink: I think im more likely to die of a heart attack before anything like that becomes anything like the sort of severity you see portrayed in "House"

My parents watch it also :rolleyes:

Play The Man
08-11-2010, 10:55 PM
:blink: I think im more likely to die of a heart attack before anything like that becomes anything like the sort of severity you see portrayed in "House"

My parents watch it also :rolleyes:

You should do a little Internet research on it. I would hate to see you come down with it.

Tyburn
08-12-2010, 12:19 AM
You should do a little Internet research on it. I would hate to see you come down with it.

:unsure-1: I have enough worries about my health without thinking about that :unsure-1:

I keep my birds well ventilated and as clean as possible, course during molting thats impossible without a hoover on permanently next to the cage...honnest to GOD...I could stuff whole douvets with the amount of down that comes off Jens and Wyman sometimes :laugh:

rockdawg21
08-12-2010, 09:48 PM
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.







And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world

Blade
08-12-2010, 10:57 PM
Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?

Paddy: Seven, Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples & another 2 apples & another 2, how many will you have?

Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?

Paddy: Seven!

Exasperated Teacher: Where the f*ck do you get seven from you stupid tw*t?

Paddy: Because I've f*cking got 1 at home ya stupid pr*ck!

Chuck
08-13-2010, 04:06 AM
Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?

Paddy: Seven, Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples & another 2 apples & another 2, how many will you have?

Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?

Paddy: Seven!

Exasperated Teacher: Where the f*ck do you get seven from you stupid tw*t?

Paddy: Because I've f*cking got 1 at home ya stupid pr*ck!

That is easily the funniest joke I've heard in a very, very long time!!! :laugh::laugh:

County Mike
08-13-2010, 12:15 PM
Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?

Paddy: Seven, Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples & another 2 apples & another 2, how many will you have?

Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?

Paddy: Seven!

Exasperated Teacher: Where the f*ck do you get seven from you stupid tw*t?

Paddy: Because I've f*cking got 1 at home ya stupid pr*ck!

Hahahahaha. Love that one. So simple and so funny at the same time.

County Mike
08-13-2010, 12:16 PM
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.







And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world

I saw that one coming, but it's still funny (and true). We loves dem boobies.

Neezar
08-13-2010, 05:08 PM
A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never
let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad
day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live
without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most
intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman
in the room and will

enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.





No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

Never mind!

Twinsmama
08-13-2010, 05:25 PM
:laugh::laugh::laugh: i kept waiting for the joke!

VCURamFan
08-13-2010, 05:26 PM
How flame wars get started:

http://bp1.blogger.com/_EmOwFaFOLU8/R-63RqSfyII/AAAAAAAAAKc/QMbOzn04WN0/s400/internet-joke.gif

Neezar
08-13-2010, 07:18 PM
How flame wars get started:

http://bp1.blogger.com/_EmOwFaFOLU8/R-63RqSfyII/AAAAAAAAAKc/QMbOzn04WN0/s400/internet-joke.gif


:laugh::laugh::laugh:

J.B.
08-13-2010, 08:52 PM
http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQv0sz-oCM2DxveJJ3wf_pZQb6DOGQTNja9vu93A51msObdg3M&t=1&usg=__T3g3io6txYg5srLI3zuz0IDgNHc=

+

http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRecaH-fCB69MyNO1BqUqZaDVBMJozWGo9Man9s06cKRsc7qns&t=1&usg=__fJHpcHJ-XD_a-Bl9zF9Q4YpVSNk=

=

http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQHs2eX0ve0y_rA50M2HpQYxqUDfwrl5 jdsURJ6uNW8beBg-4M&t=1&usg=__4wCKMLuVzpgDi1x4kf5c1CIlMK0=

Neezar
08-13-2010, 08:54 PM
:laugh:


:huh: I don't get it. :huh:

J.B.
08-13-2010, 10:02 PM
:laugh:


:huh: I don't get it. :huh:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Music/06/22/chris.brown.hearing/index.html

MattHughesRocks
08-19-2010, 06:40 AM
I was not thrilled with the idea of letting my clueless 13-year-old son babysit his younger sisters, even though he begged me to.

"What about a fire?"

I asked, referring to my No. 1 concern.

"Mom," he said, rolling his eyes, "I'm a Boy Scout. I know how to start a fire."

:laugh:




A customer at a coffee shop was clearly peeved by the text message he'd just received. "You ever have that ex-girlfriend who just won't go away?" he asked his friend.

"Yeah," came the reply. "My wife."

:laugh:

VCURamFan
08-19-2010, 04:56 PM
http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQv0sz-oCM2DxveJJ3wf_pZQb6DOGQTNja9vu93A51msObdg3M&t=1&usg=__T3g3io6txYg5srLI3zuz0IDgNHc=

+

http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRecaH-fCB69MyNO1BqUqZaDVBMJozWGo9Man9s06cKRsc7qns&t=1&usg=__fJHpcHJ-XD_a-Bl9zF9Q4YpVSNk=

=

http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQHs2eX0ve0y_rA50M2HpQYxqUDfwrl5 jdsURJ6uNW8beBg-4M&t=1&usg=__4wCKMLuVzpgDi1x4kf5c1CIlMK0=
:happydancing: :happydancing: :happydancing:

Twinsmama
08-26-2010, 02:41 PM
Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand.

Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1.Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folk think.

surveyorshawn
08-26-2010, 02:50 PM
I am copying and pasting a note one of my friends posted on FB.


GUILTY


POWER OUTAGE

At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an
explanation." The judge asked me what my explanation was,
so I told my story.

"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment,
which I actually kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!'
This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted
her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is
step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip
on this gown. Everything clear?'

I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.'

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to
the left and said, 'Hmmmm..Can you stand on your tippy
toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air,
so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and
neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern
that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between
those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when
we heard, then felt a zap!

Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh,
maintenance is working... Bet they hit a snag.'
Belinda said, and headed for the door. 'Excuse me!

You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?'
I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's
wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights.
I'll be right back.' Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
Extraordinaire, found me ... Half-naked with part of me dangling
from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba
(or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power
was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much
calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.'
'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though
I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish
grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said,
'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back
on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to
lunch. Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up
between the clamps....."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said
'Case Dismissed!!'

surveyorshawn
08-28-2010, 03:06 AM
Why Men Are Never Depressed:

Men Are Just Happier People—
Our last name stays put. The garage is all ours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. We can be President. We can never be pregnant. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
We can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell us the truth. The world is our urinal. We never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at our chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. We know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. We can open all our own jars. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. We almost never have strap problems in public. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes. Everything on our face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. We only have to shave our face and neck. We can play with toys all our life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. We can wear shorts no matter how our legs look. We can 'do' our nails with a pocket knife. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

County Mike
09-17-2010, 12:24 PM
Why I'm divorced . . .

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner..'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,



' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....

On the couch.....

Naked.

Tyburn
09-17-2010, 12:28 PM
:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

VCURamFan
09-17-2010, 12:38 PM
Why Men Are Never Depressed:

Men Are Just Happier People—
Our last name stays put. The garage is all ours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. We can be President. We can never be pregnant. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
We can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell us the truth. The world is our urinal. We never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at our chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. We know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. We can open all our own jars. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. We almost never have strap problems in public. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes. Everything on our face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. We only have to shave our face and neck. We can play with toys all our life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. We can wear shorts no matter how our legs look. We can 'do' our nails with a pocket knife. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.Good stuff! :laugh:

Why I'm divorced . . .

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner..'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,



' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....

On the couch.....

Naked.Hilarious!!! :happy0198:

surveyorshawn
09-25-2010, 03:19 AM
Next time someone gets offended, this is the new form to fill out. Just fill out & send in to an administrator....

http://i634.photobucket.com/albums/uu62/akshunter70/Butthurtform.jpg

County Mike
10-01-2010, 05:18 PM
This guy meets a girl at the bar and convinces her to come back to his place.

They make out on the couch for a while and he eventually convinces her to join him in the bedroom.

On the way to the bed, she trips and stubs her toe.

He comforts her. "Awww. Poor baby. Let me kiss that and make it better." kiss kiss, etc.

They get to business and he knocks it down a couple times. By the end, he's feeling very satisfied.

The girl gets up to use the bathroom. On the way, she trips and stubs her toe again.

The guy says "You stupid clumsy tart! Get out of my house!".

VCURamFan
10-05-2010, 02:33 PM
Three nurses working in the doctor's office of a small town were all in the break room one afternoon getting some coffe and making small talk. As often happens in any working environment, the talk naturally led to gossip & griping about their boss.

"Well I'll tell you one thing," the first nurse said, "Dr. Jones is nearly the pillar of the community everyone seems to think he is!"

The other two nurses gasped & leaned in closer to hear the juicy details.

"That's right!" Nurse One said, "A few nights last week I had to work late to finish up some patient files. Dr. Jones must have thought everyone else had gone home, because I as I was packing up, I heard noises coming from his office."

"O my goodness!" cried the other two nurses.

"When I put my ear against the door, I could tell he was sleeping with someone, and she certainly didn't sound anything like Mrs. Jones! The stones he must have, cheating on his poor wife here at his place of business! The next morning, I did some snooping & even found a jumbo box of condoms in his desk drawer!"

"O, I saw those, too!" said Nurse Two, "I took a pin & punched a hole through each & every one of them!"

Nurse Three promptly fainted.

Neezar
10-27-2010, 11:40 AM
Classifieds



These classifieds actually ran in a
>Minneapolis newspaper -
a smile for your day....




>FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
>8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
>
>FREE PUPPIES
>1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog...
>
>FREE PUPPIES
>Mother, AKC German Shepherd
>Father, Super Dog. Able to leap tall fences in
a single bound.
>
>FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG
>Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
>Better be a big reward.
>
>COWS: NEVER BRED
>Also 1 gay bull for sale..
>
>NORDIC TRACK
>$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
>
>GEORGIA PEACHES
>California grown - 89 cents/lb.
>
>JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
>Must sell washer and dryer $300.
>
>WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
>Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
>
>And the best one?
>
>FOR SALE BY OWNER:
>Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000
>or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last
>month. Wife knows everything.

Twinsmama
11-09-2010, 04:41 PM
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.



She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied:

" I didn't recognize you."

County Mike
11-09-2010, 06:14 PM
Good one. :)

Bonnie
11-09-2010, 07:38 PM
Classifieds



These classifieds actually ran in a
>Minneapolis newspaper -
a smile for your day....




[SIZE=6]>>

>And the best one?
>
>FOR SALE BY OWNER:[/B][/FONT]
>Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000
>or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last
>month. Wife knows everything.


She must not have know'd enough...she married him. :wink:

:laugh:

flo
11-10-2010, 03:01 AM
Those are wonderful, Neez!! :laugh::laugh::laugh:

My favorite:

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

flo
11-10-2010, 03:03 AM
Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand.

Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1.Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folk think.

Loved it, Tracy!! How did I miss these?

:rotfl:

flo
11-10-2010, 03:09 AM
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.



She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied:

" I didn't recognize you."

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y117/floranista/ROFLOL.png

Twinsmama
11-10-2010, 01:59 PM
Lesson for the Day


Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grass.

In the process, we end up in trouble.

And when you find yourself in trouble...

And you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of...


http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv40/twinsmamaMILF/emails/cow.jpg

there is one thing you should always remember...
Not everyone who shows up
Is there to help you.


http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv40/twinsmamaMILF/emails/cow2.jpg

Bonnie
11-10-2010, 05:19 PM
Lesson for the Day


Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grass.

In the process, we end up in trouble.

And when you find yourself in trouble...

And you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of...


http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv40/twinsmamaMILF/emails/cow.jpg

there is one thing you should always remember...
Not everyone who shows up
Is there to help you.


http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv40/twinsmamaMILF/emails/cow2.jpg

I can just imagine how this went down:

"Don't worry, I'll cover your flank." :rolleyes:

VCURamFan
11-10-2010, 05:19 PM
I can just imagine how this went down. :rolleyes:

"Don't worry, I'll cover your flank."
"No sweat, baby, I got your back. Mmmmmm-Hmmmm". :devil:

Bonnie
11-10-2010, 05:23 PM
"No sweat, baby, I got your back. Mmmmmm-Hmmmm". :devil:

:laugh: Baby definitely has back! :laugh:

VCURamFan
11-10-2010, 05:28 PM
She's switched her tactics from "hard to get" to "hard to get away". :laugh:

County Mike
11-10-2010, 06:05 PM
http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv40/twinsmamaMILF/emails/cow2.jpg

She wanted it.

Neezar
11-11-2010, 04:31 AM
She wanted it.

:laugh:

Twinsmama
11-17-2010, 10:13 PM
The Lecture


An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am.
and is asked where he is going at this time of night.


The man relies,
"I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".

The officer then asks,"Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"


The man replies, "My wife."



Just for the record I don't b!tch that night. I wait until his head is pounding the next morning and he can't drag himself outta bed to run. That's payback for making me drive home at 3am!! :laugh: I'm just joking I don't b!tch much. If I did next time he'll say "If I'm gonna hear about it I'm gonna make it worth it" :laugh:

Twinsmama
12-10-2010, 05:32 PM
A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but true to his wife goes home. When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth.

Of course, she chokes and spits them out. Then she asks "What did you put in my mouth??"

He says, "Two aspirin".

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!!

He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."

County Mike
12-10-2010, 06:08 PM
When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open.

I think he missed a better opportunity.

Twinsmama
12-16-2010, 04:56 PM
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Neezar
12-17-2010, 11:42 AM
:laugh:

County Mike
12-17-2010, 12:04 PM
Good one TM. :)

surveyorshawn
12-17-2010, 01:46 PM
:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Tyburn
12-23-2010, 08:35 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEBLt6Kd9EY

:laugh::laugh:

Chuck
12-28-2010, 08:33 PM
In a Washington State University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.


However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.


The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating:

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kind of 21-year-olds that just voted in our last election! *

*They breed and they walk among us...

VCURamFan
12-28-2010, 09:35 PM
In a Washington State University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating:

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kind of 21-year-olds that just voted in our last election! *

*They breed and they walk among us...
Why you gotta call out Christie like that? :laugh:

rockdawg21
01-13-2011, 01:17 PM
Got this in an e-mail, just HAD to share it, ENJOY! :laugh:

=============================

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, and better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in this. Making decisions together will help you through this tough time."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So,' says the doctor, have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man..

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"Yes, she has," says the man.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor

"We're getting granite countertops."

County Mike
01-13-2011, 03:59 PM
Granite countertops. LOL

Twinsmama
01-14-2011, 02:29 PM
:laugh::laugh:

i wasn't expecting that

Twinsmama
01-27-2011, 04:07 PM
New Year’s Prayer


Dear GOD, My Wish for 2011 is a big, fat bank account & a slim body.
Please don't mix these two up like you did last year!

VCURamFan
01-27-2011, 04:56 PM
(in honor of Michelle)

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's already been told twice!! :punch: :laugh:

County Mike
01-27-2011, 06:00 PM
(in honor of Michelle)

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's already been told twice!! :punch: :laugh:

Never gets old.

County Mike
01-27-2011, 06:03 PM
This one might get deleted. Read it while you can.


A man celebrates his 70th birthday by getting some Viagra. He's so excited about finding his long lost buddy so he decides to get wild and TF his wife.
He gets into it for a bit and is feeling super until he realizes he was TF'ing his own balls.

Heard it on "Funny People".

Twinsmama
01-27-2011, 06:56 PM
(in honor of Michelle)

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's already been told twice!! :punch: :laugh:


my dad always says him and my mom got in a fight once and he didn't see her for a week....that's when his eye started to open up a little:laugh:

VCURamFan
01-27-2011, 07:10 PM
my dad always says him and my mom got in a fight once and he didn't see her for a week....that's when his eye started to open up a little:laugh:
Hahaha, Momma's got a mean right hook! :ninja:

Twinsmama
01-31-2011, 08:35 PM
A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was
pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK,
you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

County Mike
01-31-2011, 09:22 PM
I was going to write a joke about my piece, but changed my mind. It's too long.

Neezar
02-01-2011, 03:36 PM
:laugh:

Twinsmama
02-07-2011, 07:39 PM
i got an email that had a couple cute stories.


While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.





Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

County Mike
02-07-2011, 07:44 PM
It's just farts!

Bonnie
02-07-2011, 08:24 PM
:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Kids are so great! :laugh:

Twinsmama
02-09-2011, 09:48 PM
The Boss

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work so how would she know they went home early?


The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.


The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.


The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.


The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.


"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!

Twinsmama
02-09-2011, 09:49 PM
NOTE Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don 't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow

VCURamFan
02-09-2011, 09:54 PM
The Boss

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work so how would she know they went home early?


The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.


The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.


The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.


The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.


"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!
:happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198:
NOTE Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don 't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow
BOOM!!!! :happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198:

flo
02-09-2011, 09:55 PM
Tracy, LMAO!!!

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Twinsmama
02-10-2011, 01:37 PM
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
2. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?:laugh:

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.:laugh::laugh:

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine..

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.:laugh:

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head. (my kids are sure i have them too....thank goodness for all the reflective surfaces around my house i've got them fooled):laugh:

Twinsmama
02-15-2011, 03:33 PM
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

VCURamFan
02-15-2011, 03:57 PM
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
:happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198:

County Mike
02-15-2011, 04:04 PM
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'


Zing!

adamt
02-15-2011, 06:01 PM
heard this one yesterday at a seed corn meeting....

It was a sad day for the entire world. George W. Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all died suddenly within the same hour. The world was shocked.

George W. Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin awoke and to their dismay they found themselves in hell. As the three looked around they spied a red phone and they asked Satan what the phone was for. Satan told the three leaders that the red phone was for calling back to earth. Mr. Putin then asked if he could make a phone call to Russia. Satan handed him the phone and Putin talked to Russia for five minutes. When Putin handed the phone back to Satan, the devil informed him that the cost of the call was one million rubies. Mr. Putin, very unhappy, wrote Satan a check for the call.

Next, Queen Elizabeth asks if she could make a phone call to England. Satan obliges and hands the queen the phone. She talks for thirty minutes and then gives the phone back to the devil. Satan informs her that the cost of the call is five million pounds. Queen Elizabeth, very unnerved, writes a check and hands it to Satan.

After observing the other two make phone calls, George W. Bush then asks if he could make a call to the USA. Satan gladly hands W the phone and Bush talks to the USA for six hours. When Bush finished, Satan informed him that there would be no charge for the call and to feel free to call the USA anytime.

Upon hearing this, Putin and Queen Elizabeth were outraged. They asked Satan why Bush got to call the USA for free. The Devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

adamt
02-15-2011, 06:04 PM
while searching for the above joke so i wouldn't have to type it out i ran across these....

WHY I AM DEPRESSED
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel " pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the promised land! (Barrack is the same name of the Ass that Muhammed allegedly rode to Jerusalem)

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called Lifeline. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...




The USPS
The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it.
The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

BamaGrits84
02-22-2011, 09:21 PM
I just read YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter are merging. The new social networking site will be YouTwitFace.com.

VCURamFan
02-22-2011, 09:34 PM
I just read YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter are merging. The new social networking site will be YouTwitFace.com.
Classic! :laugh:

VCURamFan
02-23-2011, 04:43 PM
Boss: What time did this get here this morning?
Employee: Jesus!
Boss: Uh... What time is the exterminator going to be here tonight, and are you staying?
Employee: Jesus!
Boss: Why are you answering all my questions with "Jesus"?
Employee: A woman on the train this morning was holding a sign that said "Jesus is the only answer." I thought I'd try to prove that. From your response, I'm assuming that isn't true.

rockdawg21
02-23-2011, 05:59 PM
Jesus! Hahaha!!!

VCURamFan
03-23-2011, 02:14 AM
Rick Astley asked to borrow my Pixar collection. I said " Rick, you can have Toy Story, Cars & Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up.

County Mike
03-23-2011, 02:45 AM
Rick Astley asked to borrow my Pixar collection. I said " Rick, you can have Toy Story, Cars & Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up.

Groan!

VCURamFan
03-25-2011, 03:19 PM
Got these from my sister:

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Spiritwalker
03-25-2011, 03:53 PM
A simple and hungry Zen monk walks into a busy pizza restaurant and places his order: "Make me one with everything."

Spiritwalker
04-14-2011, 06:24 PM
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premoni...tion, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Earl and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Earl said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Earl taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Earl can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

flo
04-15-2011, 03:13 AM
Got these from my sister:

Those are the best groaners I've ever seen! My two favorites:


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


:laugh::laugh::laugh:

A simple and hungry Zen monk walks into a busy pizza restaurant and places his order: "Make me one with everything."

Another good groaner!

flo
04-15-2011, 03:16 AM
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premoni...tion, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Earl and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Earl said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Earl taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Earl can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

I couldn't imagine how that was going to come out! :laugh::laugh:

Neezar
05-02-2011, 03:13 PM
When Love Fades...
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV




when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef or Lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."


She replied "You're having soup, Ass hole. I was talking to the dog ! "

Neezar
05-02-2011, 03:22 PM
A woman is sitting at home drinking a glass of wine on the porch with her husband, and she says, "I love you."

He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me............. talking to the wine."

Neezar
05-02-2011, 03:23 PM
Jumping On the Bed

Gotta love women~

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"


"Your name never came up," she replied.

(Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?)

Mark
05-02-2011, 03:34 PM
A woman is sitting at home drinking a glass of wine on the porch with her husband, and she says, "I love you."

He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
[COLOR=#000000]
[FONT=Arial]She replies, "It's me............. talking to the wine."












A man is sitting in the pub with his wife and whispers: “I love you.”

Wife asks: “Is that you or the beer talking?”

Man replies: “It’s me talking to the beer.”

County Mike
05-02-2011, 07:26 PM
A man is sitting in the pub with his wife and whispers: “I love you.”

Wife asks: “Is that you or the beer talking?”

Man replies: “It’s me talking to the beer.”

That's good, but why was his wife there? I thought the pub was a get-away. :)

BamaGrits84
05-03-2011, 04:48 PM
Osama thought he was going to get 72 virgins but he ended up getting 24 Virginians! ~unknown SEAL

County Mike
05-03-2011, 07:13 PM
Osama thought he was going to get 72 virgins but he ended up getting 24 Virginians! ~unknown SEAL

Who would want 72 virgins? 72 sluts would be much more fun.

BamaGrits84
05-03-2011, 09:18 PM
Who would want 72 virgins? 72 sluts would be much more fun.

Sometimes I am so blown away by the things you say I know there is no response even worthy of your whit.

matthughesfan21
05-04-2011, 01:33 AM
Who would want 72 virgins? 72 sluts would be much more fun.
Have you seen the Jeff Dunham skit about it, with Walter? basically says the same thing "72 virgins? sounds like a punishment to me. You're telling me that I have to teach 72 women how to have sex?":laugh:

County Mike
05-04-2011, 12:12 PM
Never seen the Dunham skit. Just seems obvious to me.

Dethbob
05-06-2011, 09:39 PM
A Navy SEAL walks into a bar and orders a Bin Laden.

“What’s a Bin Laden,” the bartender asks.

The SEAL replies, “Two shots and a splash of water.”

rockdawg21
05-06-2011, 09:49 PM
Haha, I had a friend post that on FB on Monday. It's hilarious!

rearnakedchoke
05-10-2011, 06:33 PM
Did you hear GSP took the 72oz Steak Challenge?

But he had to pay for it, cuz he couldn't finish it ..

County Mike
05-10-2011, 06:44 PM
Did you hear GSP took the 72oz Steak Challenge?

But he had to pay for it, cuz he couldn't finish it ..

GRIN

Primadawn
05-10-2011, 06:47 PM
Did you hear GSP took the 72oz Steak Challenge?

But he had to pay for it, cuz he couldn't finish it ..

Ha! Nice!:laugh:

Neezar
05-12-2011, 04:42 AM
Did you hear GSP took the 72oz Steak Challenge?

But he had to pay for it, cuz he couldn't finish it ..

:laugh:

rockdawg21
06-08-2011, 12:59 AM
Advice to an Old Guy...


An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...
He asked the trainer that was nearby "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".......

Primadawn
06-08-2011, 02:36 PM
Advice to an Old Guy...


An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...
He asked the trainer that was nearby "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".......

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

True dat!~:ninja:

Twinsmama
06-08-2011, 05:10 PM
Advice to an Old Guy...


An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...
He asked the trainer that was nearby "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".......

:laugh:

VCURamFan
06-08-2011, 09:27 PM
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing you already told her twice!

(in honor of MHR)

Bonnie
06-09-2011, 12:34 AM
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing you already told her twice!

(in honor of MHR)

Ben, I can't believe it! :laugh: I clicked on this thread to see what you had posted and when I did, it took me to the first page, first post (Michelle's two black eyes), and I had the same thought to repost it in her honor (no lie!) and then I came to the last page and saw your post! :laugh:

I'd groan every time I'd see she had posted it yet again! :laugh:

Sure would like to see "her" post it again. :)

VCURamFan
06-09-2011, 03:22 AM
Ben, I can't believe it! :laugh: I clicked on this thread to see what you had posted and when I did, it took me to the first page, first post (Michelle's two black eyes), and I had the same thought to repost it in her honor (no lie!) and then I came to the last page and saw your post! :laugh:

I'd groan every time I'd see she had posted it yet again! :laugh:

Sure would like to see "her" post it again. :)

Yeah, it's a bummer she left. She came back for NateR's birthday, though.

Neezar
06-09-2011, 05:41 AM
Yeah, it's a bummer she left. She came back for NateR's birthday, though.

Yeah, only for a hot second. :angry:

I miss her, too. :cry:

BamaGrits84
06-17-2011, 09:52 PM
Why should you always take 2 Baptist fishing?

Becasue if you just take 1 he'll drink all your beer!

bradwright
06-19-2011, 03:18 AM
what time is it in Vancouver ?

its 26 past Luongo !

bradwright
06-19-2011, 03:21 AM
whats the difference between the Vancouver Canucks and a cigarette vending machine ?

there is actually some players in the vending machine.....

Neezar
06-20-2011, 04:43 AM
Homework:


The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'





No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,


'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'


The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,

'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said,'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued.

'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn't read your homework.

And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.

County Mike
06-20-2011, 12:43 PM
Huh? I'm a grower not a shower.
:)

rearnakedchoke
06-20-2011, 02:46 PM
whats the difference between the Vancouver Canucks and a cigarette vending machine ?

there is actually some players in the vending machine.....

yeah, only the canadians will get that .. LOL

County Mike
06-20-2011, 03:32 PM
yeah, only the canadians will get that .. LOL

I got it. Just think the Canucks played a great season so I don't really laugh at teams that make it all the way to the finals in their sport. Even if they fail to win the championship.

Now all the idiots rioting afterwards, I'll gladly laugh at them.

VCURamFan
06-20-2011, 04:11 PM
Homework:

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,

'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,

'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said,'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued.

'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn't read your homework.

And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.

Why is she going to be disappointed? That sounds about right. :Whistle: :laugh: :ninja:

rearnakedchoke
06-21-2011, 02:44 PM
I got it. Just think the Canucks played a great season so I don't really laugh at teams that make it all the way to the finals in their sport. Even if they fail to win the championship.

Now all the idiots rioting afterwards, I'll gladly laugh at them.

i hope you laughed at the Miami Heat though .. cuz that was just funny ... LOL

County Mike
06-21-2011, 03:41 PM
i hope you laughed at the Miami Heat though .. cuz that was just funny ... LOL

Don't care enough about basketball. Didn't even know who was playing until it was over. I do get the whole "super team built for dynasty" that fails to win is kinda funny. If it was any other sport, I'd probably be interested.

bradwright
06-24-2011, 05:39 AM
I got it. Just think the Canucks played a great season so I don't really laugh at teams that make it all the way to the finals in their sport. Even if they fail to win the championship.

Now all the idiots rioting afterwards, I'll gladly laugh at them.

i have always been a Canucks fan...but that doesn't stop me from laughing at them a bit when they fall to pieces like they did there...besides one of those jokes came from a player on the team....i would tell you who but then everyone would just roast him,so i wont bother.

VCURamFan
07-15-2011, 05:10 PM
Sister Agnes was teaching history at Catholic school when she over heard little Johnny proudly showing off his new "adult" vocabulary to his friends. She rapped his knuckles with her ruler, admonishing him, "Speak as jesus would". Little Johnny looked right up at her & said "Go to hell!"

Tyburn
08-02-2011, 05:49 PM
Two newly weds are travelling into town by horse and cart (He is a Farmer) Along the way the horse Stumbles, and the man says "Thats once..." they continue a little way and the horse stumbles again, and the man says "Thats twice..." they continue into town and on their way home the horse stumbles a third time and the man says "Thats Three times..." and as they are passing through their gate the horse stumbles for a fourth time and the farmer reaches for his gun and shoots the horse dead.

His Wife is shocked and horrified "there was absolutely no need to do that!! WHY did you do that"

The man turned to her and said "thats once..."

:laugh:

BamaGrits84
08-02-2011, 06:47 PM
My friend is always posting the most silly jokes on FB so I figured I would share:

I went to the doctor's. he said "What appears to be the problem?" I said "I keep having the same dream, night after night, gorgeous men running towards me and I keep pushing them away." The doctor said "How can I help?" i said "Break my arms!"

Q: What do old ladies taste like?
A: Depends

This guy comes back from the toilet when a woman says to him "Hey you left your garage door open!" As the man zipped his fly up he says with a big grin on his face "Did you see my big hummer?" The woman repl;ied "No just a mini cooper with two flat tires."

Twinsmama
08-02-2011, 06:51 PM
Sister Agnes was teaching history at Catholic school when she over heard little Johnny proudly showing off his new "adult" vocabulary to his friends. She rapped his knuckles with her ruler, admonishing him, "Speak as jesus would". Little Johnny looked right up at her & said "Go to hell!"
:laugh::laugh:

Two newly weds are travelling into town by horse and cart (He is a Farmer) Along the way the horse Stumbles, and the man says "Thats once..." they continue a little way and the horse stumbles again, and the man says "Thats twice..." they continue into town and on their way home the horse stumbles a third time and the man says "Thats Three times..." and as they are passing through their gate the horse stumbles for a fourth time and the farmer reaches for his gun and shoots the horse dead.

His Wife is shocked and horrified "there was absolutely no need to do that!! WHY did you do that"

The man turned to her and said "thats once..."

:laugh:
:laugh::laugh:


My friend is always posting the most silly jokes on FB so I figured I would share:

I went to the doctor's. he said "What appears to be the problem?" I said "I keep having the same dream, night after night, gorgeous men running towards me and I keep pushing them away." The doctor said "How can I help?" i said "Break my arms!"

Q: What do old ladies taste like?
A: Depends

This guy comes back from the toilet when a woman says to him "Hey you left your garage door open!" As the man zipped his fly up he says with a big grin on his face "Did you see my big hummer?" The woman repl;ied "No just a mini cooper with two flat tires."

:laugh::laugh:

County Mike
08-02-2011, 07:01 PM
Two newly weds are travelling into town by horse and cart (He is a Farmer) Along the way the horse Stumbles, and the man says "Thats once..." they continue a little way and the horse stumbles again, and the man says "Thats twice..." they continue into town and on their way home the horse stumbles a third time and the man says "Thats Three times..." and as they are passing through their gate the horse stumbles for a fourth time and the farmer reaches for his gun and shoots the horse dead.

His Wife is shocked and horrified "there was absolutely no need to do that!! WHY did you do that"

The man turned to her and said "thats once..."

:laugh:

I've heard that one before, but it's a darned good one.

Tyburn
08-02-2011, 07:06 PM
I've heard that one before, but it's a darned good one.

I heard it during a Wedding Speech :laugh:

flo
08-02-2011, 08:42 PM
This guy comes back from the toilet when a woman says to him "Hey you left your garage door open!" As the man zipped his fly up he says with a big grin on his face "Did you see my big hummer?" The woman repl;ied "No just a mini cooper with two flat tires."

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Bonnie
08-03-2011, 05:37 PM
This guy comes back from the toilet when a woman says to him "Hey you left your garage door open!" As the man zipped his fly up he says with a big grin on his face "Did you see my big hummer?" The woman repl;ied "No just a mini cooper with two flat tires."

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Primadawn
08-03-2011, 08:02 PM
One morning, Little Johnny's dad catches him killing a honey bee. "No honey for you for a month!" he says.

Later that afternoon, his father catches Little Johnny pulling the wings off a butterfly, "No butter for you for a month!" his father yells.

That evening, as the family cleans up from dinner, Little Johnny's mother sees a cockroach and smashes it with her shoe. Little Johnny says, "Do you want to tell her,Dad, or shall I?". :wink:

Neezar
08-04-2011, 01:38 AM
One morning, Little Johnny's dad catches him killing a honey bee. "No honey for you for a month!" he says.

Later that afternoon, his father catches Little Johnny pulling the wings off a butterfly, "No butter for you for a month!" his father yells.

That evening, as the family cleans up from dinner, Little Johnny's mother sees a cockroach and smashes it with her shoe. Little Johnny says, "Do you want to tell her,Dad, or shall I?". :wink:

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

suntereo
08-04-2011, 01:47 AM
One morning, Little Johnny's dad catches him killing a honey bee. "No honey for you for a month!" he says.

Later that afternoon, his father catches Little Johnny pulling the wings off a butterfly, "No butter for you for a month!" his father yells.

That evening, as the family cleans up from dinner, Little Johnny's mother sees a cockroach and smashes it with her shoe. Little Johnny says, "Do you want to tell her,Dad, or shall I?". :wink:

took me a second but:laugh::wink:

Bonnie
08-04-2011, 02:24 AM
took me a second but:laugh::wink:

Me too! :laugh:

VCURamFan
08-07-2011, 01:36 AM
One morning, Little Johnny's dad catches him killing a honey bee. "No honey for you for a month!" he says.

Later that afternoon, his father catches Little Johnny pulling the wings off a butterfly, "No butter for you for a month!" his father yells.

That evening, as the family cleans up from dinner, Little Johnny's mother sees a cockroach and smashes it with her shoe. Little Johnny says, "Do you want to tell her,Dad, or shall I?". :wink:

:happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198: :happy0198:

Primadawn
08-11-2011, 05:04 PM
Barack Obama was at a dinner with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing you can do is surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned and asked, "But how do I know if they're really intelligent?".
"Oh that's easy," she answered, "you just ask them an intelligent riddle."

Former PM Tony Blair happened to be at the same table, so she turned to him and said, "Tony, your parents have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?".
Without pausing for a moment, Tony replied, "Well it would be me." "Yes! Very good!" said the Queen.

Obama went back home and asked Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, your parents have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?".
"I'm not sure." said Biden."Let me get back to you on that." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but nobody knew. Finally one day, he ran into Sarah Palin. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your parents have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"That's easy!" she said,"it's me!" Biden smiled, thanked her, and ran to the oval office.
"Mr President, I've done a lot of research and I have an answer to your question! It's Sarah Palin!".
Obama got up, stomped over and screamed in Biden's face, "No you IDIOT! It's Tony Blair!"

Twinsmama
08-18-2011, 01:47 PM
Barack Obama was at a dinner with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing you can do is surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned and asked, "But how do I know if they're really intelligent?".
"Oh that's easy," she answered, "you just ask them an intelligent riddle."

Former PM Tony Blair happened to be at the same table, so she turned to him and said, "Tony, your parents have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?".
Without pausing for a moment, Tony replied, "Well it would be me." "Yes! Very good!" said the Queen.

Obama went back home and asked Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, your parents have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?".
"I'm not sure." said Biden."Let me get back to you on that." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but nobody knew. Finally one day, he ran into Sarah Palin. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your parents have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"That's easy!" she said,"it's me!" Biden smiled, thanked her, and ran to the oval office.
"Mr President, I've done a lot of research and I have an answer to your question! It's Sarah Palin!".
Obama got up, stomped over and screamed in Biden's face, "No you IDIOT! It's Tony Blair!"

:laugh::laugh:

this morning i was at breakfast and overhead two old men talking. i almost fell over when i heard what they said to each other.

Why do men name their you know what (no sure what i'm allowed to say)?
they don't want a stranger making their decisions.

Then the other guy says "at my house we don't name things we eat"

Primadawn
08-18-2011, 05:39 PM
:laugh::laugh:

this morning i was at breakfast and overhead two old men talking. i almost fell over when i heard what they said to each other.

Why do men name their you know what (no sure what i'm allowed to say)?
they don't want a stranger making their decisions.

Then the other guy says "at my house we don't name things we eat"

Bwahahaha~!

Chris F
08-22-2011, 09:02 PM
Two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to choke. Hillbilly asks her,"kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly asks her "kin ya breathe?" Woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly walks over,lifts up her dress, yanks down britches and licks her butt cheek. The woman has a violent spasm and spits out food. The hillbillies' buddy says "ya know,I heerd of that there hind lick maneuver but I aint niver seed nobody do it".

Neezar
08-24-2011, 06:46 AM
Warning! Adult joke:


IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:
7' feet tall, 350 pounds, 10 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious lookand I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.................. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 10 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says:

'Turner Brown'?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

flo
08-24-2011, 08:00 AM
ROFLMAO!!!

Primadawn
08-25-2011, 04:37 PM
:laugh:Warning! Adult joke:


IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:
7' feet tall, 350 pounds, 10 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious lookand I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.................. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 10 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says:

'Turner Brown'?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

Llamafighter
09-01-2011, 05:08 PM
March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?



I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.




My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.




It was around then that the fight started...

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

VCURamFan
09-19-2011, 04:13 PM
Sign posted in an Army recruiting office: "Marry a veteran, girls! He can cook, make beds, sew, and is already used to taking orders."

Neezar
10-04-2011, 02:32 AM
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS



Last year I replaced all the windows in my house
with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient
kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed
them. He complained that the work had been completed a
year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't
mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him
just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last
year... that these windows would pay for themselves in
a year,,, Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're
paid for, I told him.. There was only
silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung
up.

He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot.

flo
10-04-2011, 02:46 AM
Sign posted in an Army recruiting office: "Marry a veteran, girls! He can cook, make beds, sew, and is already used to taking orders."

:laugh:

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS



Last year I replaced all the windows in my house
with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient
kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed
them. He complained that the work had been completed a
year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't
mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him
just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last
year... that these windows would pay for themselves in
a year,,, Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're
paid for, I told him.. There was only
silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung
up.

He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot.

LMAO!!! I was saying the "Hellllooooos" just like that as I was reading! :laugh::laugh::laugh:

Bonnie
10-04-2011, 04:12 AM
Warning! Adult joke:


IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:
7' feet tall, 350 pounds, 10 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious lookand I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.................. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 10 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says:

'Turner Brown'?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Bonnie
10-04-2011, 04:14 AM
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS



Last year I replaced all the windows in my house
with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient
kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed
them. He complained that the work had been completed a
year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't
mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him
just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last
year... that these windows would pay for themselves in
a year,,, Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're
paid for, I told him.. There was only
silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung
up.

He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot.

:laugh:

I've been wanting some new windows, I wonder... :laugh: