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rockdawg21
03-02-2011, 06:01 PM
The South Declares War on the GOVERNMENT. .

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama? a heavily accented southern voice said. "This isA rchie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Charleston , and I am callin' to tell ya?ll that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over pecan pie and sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners."

Southern CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
If you are a REAL Southerner, you won't even need to be told to pass this on.

GOD BLESS THE SOUTH!

County Mike
03-02-2011, 06:08 PM
Cute. The southerner even got the math wrong. Very good story.

VCURamFan
03-02-2011, 07:32 PM
Cute. The southerner even got the math wrong. Very good story.
No, he just took for granted that about 400k Frenchies would surrender out of habit as soon as the war started. :laugh:

Rev
03-02-2011, 08:37 PM
No, he just took for granted that about 400k Frenchies would surrender out of habit as soon as the war started. :laugh::laugh::laugh: lol NICE!!!!!:happydancing:

TENNESSEAN
03-02-2011, 10:32 PM
Cute. The southerner even got the math wrong. Very good story.

i just realized another difference in northern and southern men.

a southern man would NEVER call something cute:laugh:

County Mike
03-02-2011, 11:25 PM
i just realized another difference in northern and southern men.

a southern man would NEVER call something cute:laugh:

Should I have said "purdy"?

I like Ben's Frenchie's surrendering comment too. Just didn't multi-quote.

rockdawg21
03-02-2011, 11:37 PM
No, he just took for granted that about 400k Frenchies would surrender out of habit as soon as the war started. :laugh:
:rotfl:

VCURamFan
03-03-2011, 03:04 PM
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_YJ5At1CvB2g/TIwEgslUXyI/AAAAAAAAAlY/WO2pLN0N5ys/s1600/french+surrender.jpg

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_YJ5At1CvB2g/TIwEs1cNLnI/AAAAAAAAAlo/oH551QTXklQ/s1600/surrender.jpg

http://www.moodleitandme.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/french.gif

County Mike
03-03-2011, 03:24 PM
LOL

The French are sissies.

flo
03-03-2011, 07:41 PM
Why does everyone pick on France?

French military victories (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/victories.html)




BTW, great graphics, Ben, lol!!

Miss Foxy
03-03-2011, 07:44 PM
Why does everyone pick on France?

French military victories (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/victories.html)




BTW, great graphics, Ben, lol!!

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html

VCURamFan
03-03-2011, 07:44 PM
Why does everyone pick on France?

French military victories (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/victories.html)




BTW, great graphics, Ben, lol!!
O man, I loved taht article on ABS!! Man, I made a blog post like 5yrs ago about this, now I'm gonna have to go dig it up! :laugh:

flo
03-03-2011, 07:50 PM
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html

lol!!

flo
03-03-2011, 07:52 PM
O man, I loved taht article on ABS!! Man, I made a blog post like 5yrs ago about this, now I'm gonna have to go dig it up! :laugh:

Yeah, it's an oldie but goodie...

:)

Like the Maya Hee guy...

VCURamFan
03-03-2011, 08:06 PM
French Military History:

French-on-Foreigner Conflicts:

Gallic Wars (mid-1st Century BC) - Lost

In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at this time in history, a Roman -ed.]

War with Spanish Moors (late 700s-early 800s) - Lost

Even with Charlemagne leading them, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.

Norse invasions (841-911) - Tied

After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by French King Charles the Simple who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans become about the only positive military bonus in France's favor for the next 13 centuries.

Third Crusade (1189-1192) - Lost

Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

Albigenses Crusade (1208) - Won

Due to the fact that the French massacred…more French. When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Gives us the Fourth Rule of French Warfare: “French are sweet when fighting unarmed men, women and children.”

Seventh Crusade (1248-1253) - Lost

St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed

Eighth Crusade (1270) - Lost

St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

Hundred Years War (1337-1453) - Mostly lost

Saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." She was sainted.

Italian Wars (1494-1559) - Lost

France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Barbary Wars (Middle Ages-1830) - Tied
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kill them so they leave us alone ("the Shores of Tripoli").
Thirty Years War (1618-1648) - Lost

France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

Wars of Religion (2nd half of the 16th Century)- Lost

France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Mexico (1863-1864) - Lost

France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness after its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier. The only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen).

The Dutch War (1672-1678) - Tied
India (1673-1813) - Lost

The British were far more charming than French. Makes the British well known for their tea and the French for their w(h)ine. Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England

War of the Spanish Succession (1701-1714) - Lost

The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

French and Indian War (1754-1763) - Lost

Claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

Seven Year War (1756-1763) - Lost

After getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. This war also saw France kicked out of Canada and India.

American Revolution (1775-1783)

In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

Haitian Revolution (1791-1804) - Lost

French defeated after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Leads to the Third Rule of French Warfare : “When in doubt, send an ally.”

Quasi-War with U.S. (1798-1801) - Lost

French privateers attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years and France eventually caves. Sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

The Napoleonic Wars (1799-1815) - Lost

Temporary victories (remember the [B]First Rule) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War (1870-1871) - Lost

Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

Panama jungles (1881-1890) - Lost

No one but nature to fight, France still loses. The canal is eventually built by the U.S.

World War I (1914-1918) - Tied

On the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II (1939-1945) - Lost

Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France: entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.).

War in Indochina (1946-1954) - Lost

French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion (1954-1962) - Lost

Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism (2000-____) - Losing

France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.


French-on-French Conflicts:

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre (1572) - Won

Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

French Revolution (1789-1799) - Won

Primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.


Any questions?

flo
03-03-2011, 08:19 PM
Loved it! The last 2 are gems!

:rotfl:

Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

flo
03-03-2011, 08:22 PM
Algerian Rebellion (1954-1962) - Lost
Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

:laugh::laugh:

rockdawg21
03-05-2011, 06:42 AM
I was on eBay the other day and was looking at a WWII French Rifle - the description read:

"Shot none, dropped once"

KENTUCKYREDBONE
03-05-2011, 10:34 PM
From what I've read the French Foreign Legion is probably the only good Military unit they have!

Tyburn
03-06-2011, 01:03 AM
The do say "The South Will Rise Again" :ninja:

But I rather think when it does, it will be Texas rising...and rising not to fight, but more devistatingly...to walk away. :ninja:

rockdawg21
03-06-2011, 01:26 AM
The do say "The South Will Rise Again" :ninja:

But I rather think when it does, it will be Texas rising...and rising not to fight, but more devistatingly...to walk away. :ninja:
It would definitely be devastating if we walked the other way as other states would follow suit - Arizona may even beat us to it.