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View Full Version : He Should've Put A Ring On It


BamaGrits84
08-27-2010, 03:37 PM
Ladies how long would you wait for a ring?

My friend's been with this guy for around 7 years and first started dating him over 10 years ago. She constantly fusses about how he won't marry her. She's been very clear with him that she wants to get married. The live together. They have kids together. In Alabama we have common law marriage so legally it's not like he's getting himself in any deeper than he already is. I don't know what to tell her. Part of me wants to say hand him a CD with single ladies on it and move on. Part of me wants to kick his butt because it hurts my friend. She feels like he doesn't see her as good enough to marry. Every time one of our friends get married I can tell it hurts her to participate or go to their weddings. The poor girl watches wedding shows on WE and cries. It's so sad.

VCURamFan
08-27-2010, 04:39 PM
What an effing pansy. :punch:

(the dude, not your friend :ninja:)

TexasRN
08-27-2010, 04:55 PM
It's hard to say she should dump him because you say they have kids together. He might need to be told how much it means to her and she may have to move out and say, "We aren't married so we aren't going to live together anymore. I'll date you and you are free to see the kids but we need to get it together and decide on the future on way or the other." Then she'll have to be firm and follow through on it. I dunno. I certainly am no saint so I don't feel free to just tell others how to live. I am sorry your friend is in the situation she is in since it hurts her so much.


~Amy

Miss Foxy
08-27-2010, 04:56 PM
She needs to move on. Or even if she physically doesn't move on with another man she needs to cut the ties with him..If it's been 10yrs and he can't value her enough to make her his wife then peace out!! I could see if it's been only 2-3 years, however that's 10yrs she will never get back.
She should enjoy her life and even if she is single it doesn't make her less of a woman.. To me she would be stronger most people are comfortable in bad situations for the sake of keeping a man/woman.. The strong ones get out and learn to know their worth..

Vizion
08-27-2010, 05:21 PM
Ladies how long would you wait for a ring?

My friend's been with this guy for around 7 years and first started dating him over 10 years ago. She constantly fusses about how he won't marry her. She's been very clear with him that she wants to get married. The live together. They have kids together. In Alabama we have common law marriage so legally it's not like he's getting himself in any deeper than he already is. I don't know what to tell her. Part of me wants to say hand him a CD with single ladies on it and move on. Part of me wants to kick his butt because it hurts my friend. She feels like he doesn't see her as good enough to marry. Every time one of our friends get married I can tell it hurts her to participate or go to their weddings. The poor girl watches wedding shows on WE and cries. It's so sad. Does she communicate this desire to him directly?

adamt
08-27-2010, 05:39 PM
Ladies how long would you wait for a ring?

My friend's been with this guy for around 7 years and first started dating him over 10 years ago. She constantly fusses about how he won't marry her. She's been very clear with him that she wants to get married. The live together. They have kids together. In Alabama we have common law marriage so legally it's not like he's getting himself in any deeper than he already is. I don't know what to tell her. Part of me wants to say hand him a CD with single ladies on it and move on. Part of me wants to kick his butt because it hurts my friend. She feels like he doesn't see her as good enough to marry. Every time one of our friends get married I can tell it hurts her to participate or go to their weddings. The poor girl watches wedding shows on WE and cries. It's so sad.

well, not to be mean, but it's her own fault, she is the one who gave him her "goods" before he gave her his goods, i.e the ring

she is shacking up so what can you expect

miss foxy is exactly right, she should move on

don't mean to beat her with the massive amount of stupid stuff she has done thus far, but there is no point in continuing it

you say there is common law marriage so it shouldn't matter to him, well the same goes for her as well, it shouldn't matter to her, if he is a good provider and a good father, she might be better off leaving well enough alone, it's not like she can undo the fornication

i know it is harsh and i wouldn't be so callous to your friend, but since we are just discussing a scenario, i just think it is better to be blunt

she is not being treated like she isn't "good enough", she is acting like she isn't good enough, she doesn't value her own self enough to dump the loser, if in fact he is a loser, and she's not just being over snickety.

if she valued herself, she wouldn't shack up

if she valued herself she wouldn't get strung along

kick him out and make him pay child support/custody, or shut up and be happy you have a man that loves you and your children and provides for yall, regardless of the accessories you get to sport, like you said, common law marriage, it's not like it matters,

if he's a good man, set aside the pride and desire to have/impress with a big wedding and enjoy your family,

if he's not a good man then you shoulda kicked him out long ago



i hate to say it, as it might step on some toes here, but anyone who consecrates the marriage before the wedding, doesn't deserve a wedding, that's like shutting the barn door after the cow is already loose, ......and bred


and don't get me started on ladies wearing white on their wedding day, when there is nothing pure about them

rearnakedchoke
08-27-2010, 05:45 PM
if he is a good guy and takes care of her and their kids, big deal ... they are pretty much married anyways ... if she was very religious and wanted her union to be recognized by God, she should have stated that from the start and refused to move in together and live as a married couple from the get go ... a marriage now isn't going to change a thing but make them have less money for other things ... i say tell her that she should forget about the fairy tale wedding and look at the brightside that they are still together and happy .... wedding are very stressful and it might just throw a wrench into things, you never know ... just my two cents though

County Mike
08-27-2010, 05:47 PM
Tell her to quit complaining. Nobody wants to marry a nag.

adamt
08-27-2010, 05:49 PM
Tell her to quit complaining. Nobody wants to marry a nag.

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Miss Foxy
08-27-2010, 05:50 PM
if he is a good guy and takes care of her and their kids, big deal ... they are pretty much married anyways ... if she was very religious and wanted her union to be recognized by God, she should have stated that from the start and refused to move in together and live as a married couple from the get go ... a marriage now isn't going to change a thing but make them have less money for other things ... i say tell her that she should forget about the fairy tale wedding and look at the brightside that they are still together and happy .... wedding are very stressful and it might just throw a wrench into things, you never know ... just my two cents though

Why wipe your a** if your gonna take a sh*t tomorrow theory!! No it's not the same thing your either married or not. I don't think you even have to be religious to see that this is just kinda messed up. He's having his cake and eating it too.. :punch:

BamaGrits84
08-27-2010, 05:52 PM
Tell her to quit complaining. Nobody wants to marry a nag.

Hum...that's what he says sometimes when she brings it up.:rolleyes:

IDK what to tell her. Everything you all have said is stuff I've said to her at one point or another. Guess it just bothers me to see my friend allowing her to her to her the way it does. She allows it to impact how she values herself.

Miss Foxy
08-27-2010, 05:53 PM
well, not to be mean, but it's her own fault, she is the one who gave him her "goods" before he gave her his goods, i.e the ring

she is shacking up so what can you expect

miss foxy is exactly right, she should move on

don't mean to beat her with the massive amount of stupid stuff she has done thus far, but there is no point in continuing it

you say there is common law marriage so it shouldn't matter to him, well the same goes for her as well, it shouldn't matter to her, if he is a good provider and a good father, she might be better off leaving well enough alone, it's not like she can undo the fornication

i know it is harsh and i wouldn't be so callous to your friend, but since we are just discussing a scenario, i just think it is better to be blunt

she is not being treated like she isn't "good enough", she is acting like she isn't good enough, she doesn't value her own self enough to dump the loser, if in fact he is a loser, and she's not just being over snickety.

if she valued herself, she wouldn't shack up

if she valued herself she wouldn't get strung along

kick him out and make him pay child support/custody, or shut up and be happy you have a man that loves you and your children and provides for yall, regardless of the accessories you get to sport, like you said, common law marriage, it's not like it matters,

if he's a good man, set aside the pride and desire to have/impress with a big wedding and enjoy your family,

if he's not a good man then you shoulda kicked him out long ago



i hate to say it, as it might step on some toes here, but anyone who consecrates the marriage before the wedding, doesn't deserve a wedding, that's like shutting the barn door after the cow is already loose, ......and bred


and don't get me started on ladies wearing white on their wedding day, when there is nothing pure about them
Lol!! Don't even get me started on when men give you "promise rings." Grrrrr :muttering::bigmouth: For all the weak ladies: girlfriend all that is he's buying time!!!!

Miss Foxy
08-27-2010, 05:55 PM
Hum...that's what he says sometimes when she brings it up.:rolleyes:

IDK what to tell her. Everything you all have said is stuff I've said to her at one point or another. Guess it just bothers me to see my friend allowing her to her to her the way it does. She allows it to impact how she values herself.
I can see how it bothers you as a friend, but no ring or marriage can correct someone who doesn't value themself...That will only buy temporary happiness then it will be something else. She needs to find inner peace then let herself shine..Good luck to her.

BamaGrits84
08-27-2010, 05:58 PM
My overall theory is this - if someone else isn't giving you want you want just do it yourself (and no don't go perv with that anyone). I kind of feel like she should just go buy herself a rock and flaunt it. Or maybe she should do an experiment. Take him to the club with her but make him sit back and watch to see how many times she gets hit on sans ring.

rearnakedchoke
08-27-2010, 05:59 PM
Why wipe your a** if your gonna take a sh*t tomorrow theory!! No it's not the same thing your either married or not. I don't think you even have to be religious to see that this is just kinda messed up. He's having his cake and eating it too.. :punch:

yeah, but she put herself in that situation .. no where did it say he treats her or their kids bad ... to him they are already married ... can he man up and have the wedding to make her happy, sure, but if the doesn't, it doesn't mean he loves her any less

Miss Foxy
08-27-2010, 06:06 PM
I am deathly scared of marriage/commitment!! I am scared of a failed marriage. I took my divorce way hard.. Ugg. I need Dr.Phil's advice..:ninja:

County Mike
08-27-2010, 06:23 PM
I am deathly scared of marriage/commitment!! I am scared of a failed marriage. I took my divorce way hard.. Ugg. I need Dr.Phil's advice..:ninja:

Dr. Phil's a hypocrite. I wouldn't listen to any advice from that fat head.

BamaGrits84
08-27-2010, 06:36 PM
Dr. Phil's a hypocrite. I wouldn't listen to any advice from that fat head.

Maybe he is but his wife has a pretty good book out.

County Mike
08-27-2010, 06:45 PM
Maybe he is but his wife has a pretty good book out.

Is it called "How NOT to marry a fathead like I did."?

Miss Foxy
08-27-2010, 06:47 PM
Dr. Phil's a hypocrite. I wouldn't listen to any advice from that fat head.

lol.. I love Dr. Phil.. His advice helped me a lot.. Well his website...:ashamed:

BamaGrits84
08-27-2010, 06:58 PM
Is it called "How NOT to marry a fathead like I did."?

No. She does talk about what's it's like to be married to someone who wants to analyze everything. What I really liked that she stated was about what we take from our parents. She basiclaly said as we become adults we can decide what parts of our parents we want to care in who we are. We can pick the good or back and when we pick the good and build on it leaving the bad behind we can actively keep those bad features we saw growing up from being a part of who we are.

Neezar
08-27-2010, 07:04 PM
Ladies how long would you wait for a ring?

My friend's been with this guy for around 7 years and first started dating him over 10 years ago. She constantly fusses about how he won't marry her. She's been very clear with him that she wants to get married. The live together. They have kids together. In Alabama we have common law marriage so legally it's not like he's getting himself in any deeper than he already is. I don't know what to tell her. Part of me wants to say hand him a CD with single ladies on it and move on. Part of me wants to kick his butt because it hurts my friend. She feels like he doesn't see her as good enough to marry. Every time one of our friends get married I can tell it hurts her to participate or go to their weddings. The poor girl watches wedding shows on WE and cries. It's so sad.


It would probaly depend on 'why' it is so important to her to get married now.

BamaGrits84
08-27-2010, 07:10 PM
It would probaly depend on 'why' it is so important to her to get married now.

Oh it's not just now. She's really always wanted to. I think over the past 3 years she's come to realize what she really wants in life and wonders if a marital commitment from him will bring her the comfort in knowing he desires the same thing. She was young when they met. Heck she's only 27 now.

Miss Foxy
08-27-2010, 07:20 PM
No. She does talk about what's it's like to be married to someone who wants to analyze everything. What I really liked that she stated was about what we take from our parents. She basiclaly said as we become adults we can decide what parts of our parents we want to care in who we are. We can pick the good or back and when we pick the good and build on it leaving the bad behind we can actively keep those bad features we saw growing up from being a part of who we are.

I believe that's true.. I am NOTHING like my mother..

Vizion
08-27-2010, 07:36 PM
There are 2 sides to this story..


WHAT'S HIS?

Twinsmama
08-27-2010, 07:54 PM
What is his reason for not wanting to get married? She needs to know what would be the right time for him.

Were their children planned?

Is he thinking she trapped him w/ kids and isn't going to get pushed into getting married?

I do believe that if he doesn't want to get married and she does that she should move on. That's something that is too important to compromise on. She can't use it as leverage though. She needs to either be in or out and not threaten to leave if they don't get married.

I did not have kids until after marriage though. This is proof they complicate things:laugh:

Nagging doesn't make someone want to do anything.

My last thought is for whatever reason he doesn't want to marry her or he would have already done it. that should tell her something....

BamaGrits84
08-27-2010, 08:08 PM
What is his reason for not wanting to get married? She needs to know what would be the right time for him.

Were their children planned? No.

Is he thinking she trapped him w/ kids and isn't going to get pushed into getting married? I definately don't think he feels she trapped him, but I wonder often if the kids are the only reason he stays. Her too for that matter.

My last thought is for whatever reason he doesn't want to marry her or he would have already done it. that should tell her something....

He's not really the man I would pick for her to be with. Yes she's a little OCD about somethings but she takes dang good care of him, their house, and thier kids.

Vizion
08-27-2010, 08:13 PM
So Bamagrits, what is HIS side of the story?

Twinsmama
08-27-2010, 08:23 PM
He's not really the man I would pick for her to be with. Yes she's a little OCD about somethings but she takes dang good care of him, their house, and thier kids.


She would make someone a good wife. I bet he just knows not him. I hope she makes a decision soon before to much more time is wasted. It sucks seeing people stay together for kids. My parents are still married and we were the excuse for years... i don't agree with that approach...

It's hard to do what is right when it feels so wrong. (yes i say that alot:laugh:)

BamaGrits84
08-27-2010, 08:32 PM
So Bamagrits, what is HIS side of the story?

Have you ever seen those plastic toys that kind of look like wibble wabbles and make the "wwwhhhhaaa" sound when you shake them? That's him to me. That sound and "I'm an ass" are all I hear when he talks.

Seriously his side is she's mean. Uh not mean enough for you to sleep with and have babies with and for her to take care of you but too mean to marry? My thing is he knows how badly she wants to get married but knows she loves him and won't leave. Basically I see her doing everything for him he ask and for the most part treating him way better than he deserves based on how he treats her and since they are common law married I think the jerk could at least let her have a dang wedding. Plus I really think with the hell she's been through with him she deserves a commitment before God.

When I randomly stop by her house and she's sitting on the bed crying watching bridal shows or on theknot.com it's like looking at a person riding on a train that you know is going to crash but is too scared to try to jump off to safety.

Vizion
08-27-2010, 08:41 PM
Have you ever seen those plastic toys that kind of look like wibble wabbles and make the "wwwhhhhaaa" sound when you shake them? That's him to me. That sound and "I'm an ass" are all I hear when he talks.

Seriously his side is she's mean. Uh not mean enough for you to sleep with and have babies with and for her to take care of you but too mean to marry? My thing is he knows how badly she wants to get married but knows she loves him and won't leave. Basically I see her doing everything for him he ask and for the most part treating him way better than he deserves based on how he treats her and since they are common law married I think the jerk could at least let her have a dang wedding. Plus I really think with the hell she's been through with him she deserves a commitment before God.

When I randomly stop by her house and she's sitting on the bed crying watching bridal shows or on theknot.com it's like looking at a person riding on a train that you know is going to crash but is too scared to try to jump off to safety.
You have spoken to her and gotten her take, which is all negative about him. Alot of "he doesn'ts" and you also have seen a lot of stuff he has done, not done etc...

Have you spoken to him and gotten his side of the story? Seems to be rather one-sided.

BamaGrits84
08-27-2010, 09:06 PM
You have spoken to her and gotten her take, which is all negative about him. Alot of "he doesn'ts" and you also have seen a lot of stuff he has done, not done etc...

Have you spoken to him and gotten his side of the story? Seems to be rather one-sided.

It's not a he said she said thing. I've seen how they are. Yes I know she can be a b sometimes. And he's an a sometimes. I really don't even know if I think they should be married. I think she should leave really, but since they have kids I wouldn't encourage it. And I kind of think since they live as husband & wife God expects them to remain that way. I'm a bit torn on that issue.

Maybe there is a his side that he doesn't really want to fess up to because he knows it'll be a breaking point for her. I wonder if he really is just along for the ride until something better comes along. I really breaks my heart for her.

BamaGrits84
08-27-2010, 09:09 PM
You have spoken to her and gotten her take, which is all negative about him. Alot of "he doesn'ts" and you also have seen a lot of stuff he has done, not done etc...

Have you spoken to him and gotten his side of the story? Seems to be rather one-sided.

Do you think it's right for him to deprive her of something she has basically begged for? She certainly doesn't do him that way.

Miss Foxy
08-27-2010, 09:15 PM
Do you think it's right for him to deprive her of something she has basically begged for? She certainly doesn't do him that way.

+1...

flo
08-27-2010, 10:11 PM
It would probaly depend on 'why' it is so important to her to get married now.

I agree. Maybe they should have discussed marriage before living together and having kids. He probably figures, "what's the point?".

I'm not trying to be harsh, that's just my take on it.

Vizion
08-27-2010, 10:55 PM
Do you think it's right for him to deprive her of something she has basically begged for? She certainly doesn't do him that way. Maybe, maybe not. I would have to talk to both of them. You can see all you can see, but I think there is more to the story than you could possibly know.

He maybe is an a, I can agree there, but he also maybe grossly misunderstood too, or he may be a lot of both. Just my .02

adamt
08-27-2010, 11:14 PM
I can see how it bothers you as a friend, but no ring or marriage can correct someone who doesn't value themself...That will only buy temporary happiness then it will be something else. She needs to find inner peace then let herself shine..Good luck to her.


+1

if she ain't happy now, she won't never be.... that's the foundation of contentment


she prolly isn't feeling valued cuz frankly she ain't pricing herself high enough.....if he's a loser, then a ring still doesn't mean nothing, she'll just be married to a loser instead of just shackin up with one, if he's a good man, she should leave it be, she sold her self out and coulda got more if she held out... i had a deer head like that once, sold it for 450 when i shoulda held on to it for 550

Lol!! Don't even get me started on when men give you "promise rings." Grrrrr :muttering::bigmouth: For all the weak ladies: girlfriend all that is he's buying time!!!!
+1!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you ever seen those plastic toys that kind of look like wibble wabbles and make the "wwwhhhhaaa" sound when you shake them? That's him to me. That sound and "I'm an ass" are all I hear when he talks.

Seriously his side is she's mean. Uh not mean enough for you to sleep with and have babies with and for her to take care of you but too mean to marry? My thing is he knows how badly she wants to get married but knows she loves him and won't leave. Basically I see her doing everything for him he ask and for the most part treating him way better than he deserves based on how he treats her and since they are common law married I think the jerk could at least let her have a dang wedding. Plus I really think with the hell she's been through with him she deserves a commitment before God.

When I randomly stop by her house and she's sitting on the bed crying watching bridal shows or on theknot.com it's like looking at a person riding on a train that you know is going to crash but is too scared to try to jump off to safety.

sounds like she's only trying to perpetuate the matter , tell her to stop watching that stuff..... currently i feel the same way she does about a .50 cal bmg and a whitetail hunt in saskatchewan, but when i stopped oggling over it every night on the net, i am not nearly as obsessed

3dlee
08-28-2010, 01:16 AM
Problem is a lot of women talk way tough around their friends and then back down to their guy. Theyll tell their friends "I told him I wanted this" and she never really said that out loud. That or I've been in relationships where I really could care less if we stayed together or broke up. Thats bad. Because then I (the guy) just spent time with the girl when I felt like it, returned calls when I felt like it and would leave at any sign of a serious conversation. Did the girl dump me? Nope. She changed. Stifled her opinions and let me do what I wanted. This was all when I was younger and I wouldnt treat a girl like that now, but my point is a lot of times one person in the relationship becomes a doormat just because they fear losing the other person. Then the relationship is just taking a long time to end. The doormat ends up dumped bc the dominant person loses interest.

surveyorshawn
08-28-2010, 01:57 AM
Unfortunately, the person who cares the least in a relationship has the most power. Unfortunately, the other person usually measures their worth by how the other person treats them, etc. If she could see her true value (as a child of God, ultimately), then she would hopefully be able to rise above the situation that has held her down & decide what to do based on that, instead of selling herself cheap like she has been. You can tell how much you're worth to someone by what they're willing to give for you. If he's not willing to give her his life (marriage), then she isn't worth all that much to him, & she should move on, imo.

BTW, what's the point in having your cake if you can't eat it? :laugh: I wonder what genius comes up with those sayings? I've heard it all my life, and it still makes absolutely no sense, unless we're talking about fruit cake, then you just give it to someone else next year!:laugh: