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BamaGrits84
07-26-2010, 07:03 PM
I've mentioned on here before that on November of last year my sister passed away. She was married and had 2 boys ages 10 & 11. Well Saturday her husband is getting remarried. Less than 9 months after my sister's death in the same church my sister was married in and where her funeral was held.

The lady my brother-in-law is marrying is okay. She's never been married and has no children. She's good to my nephews and brother-in-law. I don't have an issue with her as a person for him to marry. And until the past few days I haven't had issue with them getting married but now I feel like I just cannot go to their wedding. It's just too hard on me.

When I first saw my brother-in-law with his wife to be within a few weeks of my sisters death I wasn't really suprised or angry. My sister questioned my brother-in-laws faithfulness but she wasn't mrs. perfect so how could i hold anything he may have done against him? After all he was there everyday for 24 days, 4 times a day for visiting hours while my sister was in the icu even when he hadn't slept in over 24 hours.

So anyways, I want him to be happy and my nephews to be well cared for and loved. I think she will is going to be a good step-mom. But in the past few days I've had this drop in desire to attend their wedding. I've been missing my sister a lot. And I wonder if anyone else does. I think going would just be unfair to them & me because I'd likely sit in the back of the church and cry half the time. :cry:

Am I being selfish?

Miss Foxy
07-26-2010, 07:17 PM
I personally do not think you are being selfish. I know when a spouse passes life goes on, but to me 9months is way too soon for all parties involved. It might be his way of trying to cope with his wifes death.
I don't think I would be able to attend. I think a good idea would be to offer him your blessing in person and try to explain your feelings a little more depending on your relationship. It's not like you have ill feelings it's just a very emotional event and your also still grieving the loss of your dear sister.

County Mike
07-26-2010, 07:46 PM
You do what feels right to you. Don't worry about the other people right now.

Twinsmama
07-26-2010, 08:30 PM
Are you really close to your nephews?

My brother and his 1st wife got divorced when my nephew was 5. My brother wasn't a great dad so my whole family tried to make up for it. We are very close to him and have always been there for him. Whether it made us feel uncomfortable or not. If it was a birthday party at his mom's and her family we would go for a little bit so that he didn't think it was her family or ours. We've always wanted him to know we were there for him and nothing would change that. My brother would get mad we were "hanging out" w/ his exwife so it was ackward but it was never about my brother or his exwife. My nephew is 16 now and still comes over all the time. We are still very close. He would call Rich for something before his own dad.

If you are close w/ your nephews I think you should go. I would bet you were invited just to be polite. They probably feel weird with the whole situation too. They probably just didn't want the kids to think you are not part of their family anymore. Try to hold the tears in because your nephews are probably already going to be stressing that day anyway. Can you imagine being in their shoes? I definately think when there are kids involved a little more waiting would have been beneficial.

I still think if you are close to them it would be good for them to see you are still their family. Sorry to go on and on but I've been through all the ackwardness. definately know the feeling.

You are not being selfish, you are being a human.

It's so hard to do what is right when it feels so wrong! (I try to remember that when I am making an important decision)

Silverback
07-26-2010, 11:22 PM
I will tell you something you may not want to here, but here goes, its hard but put it behind you and go, if not for anyone else, but for your sisters boys. She is watching them and she wants you to watch them too. I have lost a nephew, do not lose yours.

flo
07-27-2010, 12:28 AM
I agree with Tracy and Danny. When I'm in a quandary, I pray on it and sometimes the answer just seems clear. That might also help you..

adamt
07-27-2010, 03:51 AM
when is long enough?


not being snide at all, but ask yourself when is long enough.


then why? how did you come at that number?

i have an opinion but would like to hear what your answer is....

Play The Man
07-27-2010, 04:27 AM
I have a book in my library which documents the geneology of my family from 1630, when our first ancestor arrived in the New World, until 1890, when the book was published. It is striking to see how many husbands had 2 or 3 wives during their lifetime. It wasn't due to divorce. It was due to the death of the wife following childbirth from puerperal fever due to Streptococcus pyogenes. Prior to the work of Semmelweis in the mid-1800's, obstetricians would not wash their hands before delivering a baby, even if they had just finished dissecting a cadaver.:scared0011: My point is, in prior generations, marriage following the death of a wife was a very common experience. It must feel to you like your sister is being "replaced". I think as long as the new wife is a good woman and will be a good wife and mother, you should accept it as best as you can, even though it might be painful. I was teaching my daughter from The New England Primer and came across this maxim: Our weakness and inabilities break not the bond of our duties.

BamaGrits84
07-27-2010, 02:26 PM
when is long enough?


not being snide at all, but ask yourself when is long enough.


then why? how did you come at that number?

i have an opinion but would like to hear what your answer is....

I don't know. I don't think there is a majic number. And I've stood up for them when other people have made comments about it being "too soon". I don't think that's what bothers me. Men and more likely to move on quickly because they often feel the need a woman to run their home or keep the family together. So it's really not the timing to me. It's hard for me to even be in my sister's house. Much less her church seeing her husband get remarried.

I probably will go just so my nephew's don't think I'm one of those people who thinks this is wrong. I want them to respect their stepmother so I think it's important they see me - the person closet to their mom - being supportive.

Twinsmama
07-27-2010, 02:35 PM
I don't know. I don't think there is a majic number. And I've stood up for them when other people have made comments about it being "too soon". I don't think that's what bothers me. Men and more likely to move on quickly because they often feel the need a woman to run their home or keep the family together. So it's really not the timing to me. It's hard for me to even be in my sister's house. Much less her church seeing her husband get remarried.

I probably will go just so my nephew's don't think I'm one of those people who thinks this is wrong. I want them to respect their stepmother so I think it's important they see me - the person closet to their mom - being supportive.


I think that is a good decision. It's gonna hurt you very bad to be watching them get married and thinking about your sister. I think the boys will remember it forever though. It may even ease their minds a little knowing you are there. Kids need stability and their world is going to be crazy that day. Good Luck!

adamt
07-27-2010, 10:48 PM
I don't know. I don't think there is a majic number. And I've stood up for them when other people have made comments about it being "too soon". I don't think that's what bothers me. Men and more likely to move on quickly because they often feel the need a woman to run their home or keep the family together. So it's really not the timing to me. It's hard for me to even be in my sister's house. Much less her church seeing her husband get remarried.

I probably will go just so my nephew's don't think I'm one of those people who thinks this is wrong. I want them to respect their stepmother so I think it's important they see me - the person closet to their mom - being supportive.

that's a good thought and all, but i don't think it is gonna happen,

imho----- he's being a stupid, greedy, self centered moron

he's is only setting his family up for heartache and hardship

he needs to focus 100% on his boys and get married when they are 18 and mature self sufficient adults and no longer need him, they need him now more than ever and he is worried about getting married!!!!?!?!?!!

i know it sucks that his wife died, but he has no excuse whatsoever to worry about his needs before his boys' needs, and they need 200% of their daddy, not the 50% leftover from his new marriage, and those boys will NEVER respect that woman, they may treat her with respect, but they won't respect her, but i'll bet they won't even treat her respect when the newness wears off and they get a little hormones from adolescence pulsing through their already traumatized systems

wish him good luck, tell him he'll need it, and i hope the sex is worth putting his boys emotional needs on the back burner

Miss Foxy
07-28-2010, 12:02 AM
that's a good thought and all, but i don't think it is gonna happen,

imho----- he's being a stupid, greedy, self centered moron

he's is only setting his family up for heartache and hardship

he needs to focus 100% on his boys and get married when they are 18 and mature self sufficient adults and no longer need him, they need him now more than ever and he is worried about getting married!!!!?!?!?!!

i know it sucks that his wife died, but he has no excuse whatsoever to worry about his needs before his boys' needs, and they need 200% of their daddy, not the 50% leftover from his new marriage, and those boys will NEVER respect that woman, they may treat her with respect, but they won't respect her, but i'll bet they won't even treat her respect when the newness wears off and they get a little hormones from adolescence pulsing through their already traumatized systems

wish him good luck, tell him he'll need it, and i hope the sex is worth putting his boys emotional needs on the back burner

+1!!

BoneDoc
07-28-2010, 06:36 AM
Went through a lot of counseling after my divorce. My pastor, my Christian counselor, my brother who is a pastor and my best buddy who is an evangelist - all agreed that there should be 2 years of no dating so you can seek Gods will and gaining strength and stability for kids and youself after a spouse dies. 3 years after a divorce if you can imagine.

The time helps the wounds heal and prevents the rebound and % of 2nd divorces. Obviously easier said than done. Be there for your nephews. I have a feeling you will be the rock they need.

Twinsmama
07-28-2010, 02:58 PM
that's a good thought and all, but i don't think it is gonna happen,

imho----- he's being a stupid, greedy, self centered moron

he's is only setting his family up for heartache and hardship

he needs to focus 100% on his boys and get married when they are 18 and mature self sufficient adults and no longer need him, they need him now more than ever and he is worried about getting married!!!!?!?!?!!

i know it sucks that his wife died, but he has no excuse whatsoever to worry about his needs before his boys' needs, and they need 200% of their daddy, not the 50% leftover from his new marriage, and those boys will NEVER respect that woman, they may treat her with respect, but they won't respect her, but i'll bet they won't even treat her respect when the newness wears off and they get a little hormones from adolescence pulsing through their already traumatized systems

wish him good luck, tell him he'll need it, and i hope the sex is worth putting his boys emotional needs on the back burner

I totally agree...but he's still getting married and she should put his stupidness aside and be their for the boys. I was telling you about my nephew yesterday and last night he came over and was eating supper w/ us. I didn't say anything about this but just out of no where he told me his mom broke up with her boyfriend. He she was on a date with someone else. He told me he didn't want her to bring any more guys home. He is a tough boy and doesn't talk about feelings much so I know it really bothers him. Like I said he is 16. He's old enough to see what she is doing isn't right. He wouldn't tell just anyone that. Since we have always been there for him he knows he can talk to us about his moms stupid behavior and we don't let that affect how we act towards them.

I'm positive this will not be the last stupid thing he does. At least it sounds like they have you thinking about their best interests.